Good stuff, cheap

WHAT’S SO FUNNY

Yard sales aren’t known for quality merchandise -- the ones I

remember in Missouri featured partial decks of cards -- but we’re

revving up to have one in our driveway in the next few weeks and

it’ll feature some very nice obsolete technology.

Oh, we’ve got some stuff that would fit in Missouri. There’s a big

old punching bag that’s been outside soaking up rainwater for years,

and a Weedwhacker that won’t whack weeds for me but might for

somebody else. We have a chair, it’s not really broken, but it’s not

... well, you’ve probably got one like that.

But we also have some near-pristine items that we’re letting go

for pocket money, just because I’ve got a problem.

If you’ve ever seen me you know I don’t overspend on clothes. I’m

also thrifty in the areas of transportation and home maintenance. I

do, however, splurge on home entertainment. I’m not proud of this;

it’s conspicuous consumption; it calls up images of Imelda Marcos.

But there it is. It hits me whenever I have money, or think I’m about

to have some. A recent attack coincided with the arrival of DVD

technology.

I resisted DVDs at first. I knew they were taking over; I could

read the writing on the shelves. But I was loyal to my videotape

collection. I had boxed sets of the “Lonesome Dove” trilogy, Wooster

and Jeeves, “Star Trek” and Lord Peter Wimsey. All the “Naked Guns.”

Class, you know?

And then I was Christmas shopping for a nephew, and they had this

Woody Allen DVD box. I remember thinking, “Nice packaging,” and then

my memory gets all swirly.

I awoke some months later with a considerable variety of DVDs,

including the Robert Culp “I Spy” collection. What’s curious is that

I also have DVDs of the “Lonesome Dove” trilogy, Jeeves and Wooster

and Lord Peter Wimsey.

Now I’m not a complete rube; I don’t fall for everything with

varnish on it. If you ever see me paying extra for “high definition”

it’ll be time to transfer power of attorney. But there’s something

about these DVDs. They’re just ... better. Whenever I play a

videotape now I think I hear this whirring noise. I can’t jump from

scene to scene. I become disconsolate and find fault with my loved

ones.

So Robert Duvall and Tommy Lee Jones, among others, will be

appearing on tape in our driveway pretty soon, along with the

punching bag and the dormant Weedwhacker. For me, it’s

audiocassettes-to-CDs all over again. I’ve crossed over. I can’t go

back. I’m the ideal American consumer.