The Duke would be proud

PETER BUFFA

Let’s hear it for John Wayne!

Hip, hip ... wait, stop. Not him.

The other John Wayne. The one with the airplanes.

This week, the Federal Aviation Administration gave the air

traffic controllers at John Wayne Airport two thumbs up. Way up.

Since January 2001, the JWA controllers have handled over a million

takeoffs and landings without a single error. That’s a lot.

Doing anything a million times without making a mistake is

impressive. But when it comes to making airplanes go up and down,

it’s awesome, according to Donn Walker with the FAA’s Western-Pacific

region,

“They’ve not made a mistake in the tower in three years. That’s

very significant,” he said.

You hit the head right on the nail, Donn. But it’s more than

significant. It’s personal. I spend a lot of time inside airships. I

have brought my seat and tray table back to their upright position

more times than I can count.

On many of those trips, I leave from -- and eventually return to

-- John Wayne Airport. I don’t mind if a waitress or a plumber makes

a mistake. I can deal with that. But I have a higher standard for air

traffic controllers, especially when they are controlling the plane

I’m in.

Exactly what does the FAA mean when they say “mistake?”

There are the obvious ones that most of us could conjure up, like

trying to land two planes on the same runaway at the same time.

That’s a mistake. And it lowers your score considerably. But in

reality there are very precise standards that have to be followed --

minimum distances separating aircraft in flight and minimum intervals

being takeoffs and landings, etc. That reminds me of the first lesson

in pilot’s school: Make sure the number of takeoffs you make matches

the number of landings exactly.

Are a million takeoffs and landings a lot or a little, by the way?

It’s always hard to get a handle on these things. Airports are

usually ranked by the number of passengers they serve. How many

passengers do you think went through John Wayne Airport last year?

Because JWA is one of our all-time favorite topics around here,

this is child’s play for many of you. Last year, some 8 million

passengers passed beneath the gaze of the big bronze Duke at JWA, on

their way to or from the great wherever. Is that a lot?

As June Allyson would say, “depends.”

What’s the busiest airport in the country?

New York’s JFK?

Chicago’s O’Hare?

Nope. I’ll give you a hint: “Rhett, if you go, where shall I go?

What shall I do?” “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a--” yep, Atlanta.

It’s called Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport, and

in addition to Brett, Scarlett and Ashley Wilkes, almost 80 million

passengers pass through it a year. That’s 20 million passengers a

year more than Chicago-O’Hare. So we might not get much attention in

Atlanta or Chicago, but 8 million passengers is a nice brisk pace

around these parts, thank you. And it’s nice to know that they’re

coming and going safe and sound thanks to the keen eyes and ears in

the tower of power at JWA.

There’s another development in the flying biz that I for one am

glad to see. Airlines are getting a sense of humor, something that

would have been unheard of just a few years ago. Maybe they’re trying

to relax the customers in these tumultuous times.

Southwest Airlines was the first operation to add some levity to

the levitating that I noticed, and funny boarding announcements have

become a trademark of theirs. Ironically, just this week, someone

sent me a list comments heard on Southwest and other airlines that

are definitely worth sharing.

During a pre-flight safety announcement on Southwest: “There may

be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this

airplane.”

From another pre-flight announcement: “Your seat cushion can be

used for flotation. In the event of an emergency, please take it with

you with our compliments.”

A landing announcement on Delta: “Thank you for flying Delta

Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much

as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

Another landing announcement: “As you exit the plane, please make

sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be

distributed among the flight attendants. Do not leave children or

spouses.”

As the frequent flyers out there know, hard landings are usually

followed by a long, tense pause and can produce some of the best

announcements.

From a harried flight attendant after a rough descent through a

thunderstorm and a hard landing in Memphis: “Ladies and gentlemen,

please be careful when you open the overhead compartments. After that

landing everything has shifted sure as hell.”

On American, after a hard landing in Dallas: “Welcome to Dallas,

ladies and gentlemen. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts

fastened while the captain taxis what’s left of our aircraft to the

gate.”

And from an angry senior flight attendant after a very hard

landing in Phoenix: “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your

seats with your seatbelts fastened until Captain Crash and the crew

have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt at the gate and the

smoke from the tires has cleared.”

So that’s the news from the relatively friendly skies. The next

time you fly past the tower at John Wayne -- wave, smile and give

them a big thumbs up. They deserve it.

Just don’t expect them to wave back. They’re busy. I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs

Sundays. He may be reached by e-mail at ptrb4@aol.com.