Tease if you must, but don’t bully

STEVE SMITH

By the time my peers and I reached high school, the name-calling and

teasing had all but stopped. The high school environment, the

just-discovered thrill of driving an automobile, and our increased

attention and attraction to members of the opposite sex put teasing

way down on the list of priorities.

Teasing had declined steadily since junior high school, which had

declined since elementary school. I escaped my eight years of

elementary and junior high schools relatively unscathed, meaning that

only on a few occasions was I called names such as “four eyes” or

“freckle face.”

In theory, I should have been teased a lot more. I was dorky

(please hold your comments about the “was” part of that last

statement). My hair was very curly, so I tried to brush it straight

every day because curly hair was not “in.”

I wore glasses, the dorky ones you now see on they guy in the ad

for the cellular telephone company. And I was not the slickest

dresser, mostly because I didn’t care too much about my clothes,

preferring to wear what I could run and jump in instead of what was

fashionable. Fashion was for girls.

I’m reasonably certain that I escaped my share of teasing because

I was a good athlete. Not a jock, but a good athlete, and I could

hold my own in any sport.

In elementary school, I did my share of teasing. Not a lot, but

some. Amazingly, there were guys even dorkier than me and girls with

this feature or that quirk that caused me to mutter something now and

then. In those days, it was hard to make fun of a girl’s hair because

they all looked the same: long and straight, parted in the middle.

And as any parent knows, I was probably teasing the girls on whom I

had a crush.

Trying to be as objective as I can 35 years later, I’d say that I

was hardly teased, and did not tease too much in return.

The clearest memories I have of the give-and-take of teasing is

what we did not do. We did not use profanity, and we did not threaten

bodily harm.

That blanket profanity statement may be hard for some to swallow,

but it’s true.

Today, kids no longer tease. Today, it’s called “bullying”;

officially, they engage in “uncivil conduct.”

Years ago, the rules and regulations regarding uncivil behavior

were not published, nor were they spoken. We were not supposed to

tease, and we knew it.

Teasing was bad, and no one had to tell us not to tease. Between

our parents and our teachers, it was understood that we were to be

tolerant of and patient with our fellow students, just as they would

be with us. We would do unto others as we would have them do unto us.

Right.

Kids back then did not report teasing -- it simply was not done.

If you went to a grown-up about being teased, you were a “fink.”

Thirty-five years ago, reporting an incident of teasing was a gateway

to even more teasing. So, kids back then did what I have instructed

my own kids to do today: Ignore it.

I’ve explained to them that teasing -- sorry -- uncivil behavior

works only if you react negatively to it. When you do, the teaser

wins. I told them that getting that reaction, whether it’s seeing you

sad or worse, making you cry, is the teaser’s reward for teasing you.

So, it’s very important to do one of two things: either laugh or

ignore it.

An interesting thing happens when you laugh at or ignore teasing.

It makes the teaser mad, providing for the “teasee” just the type of

retaliation he or she secretly desires. Ignoring teasing takes a

little time, but once the teaser realizes that the teasee is not

going to get upset or show any reaction to the teasing, he’ll move on

to the next easy target.

Over time, the intensity of teasing has increased. Today, “four

eyes” or “freckle-face” would be a relief to some kids. Today, kids

use profanity as thought it were as common as sunshine. Today, the

teasing includes the threat of physical harm, even though most of

that is braggadocio. But, sometimes the teasing does escalate to

violence. Today, it’s no longer teasing, and a lot of it should be

reported.

Today, the level of teasing has increased to the point where it

warrants eight pages of description in the “Student and Parent

Handbook” provided by the Newport-Mesa Unified School District. The

handbook describes this uncivil behavior in great detail, including

“Taunting, jeering, inciting others to taunt or jeer at a person.” I

have an issue with this particular line, but let’s not get stuck on

it. The fact is, I agree with all of the other descriptions of

inappropriate behavior.

The larger issue her is not what is or is not appropriate but that

we have to publish these guidelines at all. What is going on in our

society that we have to document eight pages of descriptions and

penalties for bad behavior?

When did this happen? Why has it happened?

The school board is not to be faulted for having to publish these

rules. I’m sure that between things getting out of control and the

threat of lawyers ready to sue for any dirty look, the guidelines are

necessary. I’m just sorry that we have to do it at all; that we feel

the need to put kids in this bubble. I’m sorry that kids will miss

the valuable life lesson learned through the teasing process, as

painful as it may sometimes be.

Throw the book at the kids who threaten violence and use

profanity. But for the rest of it, I promise you that “four eyes” and

“freckle-face” will get over it.

* STEVE SMITH is a Costa Mesa resident and freelance writer.

Readers may leave a message for him on the Daily Pilot hotline at

(949) 642-6086.