‘Cat in the Hat’ a flop in the house

VAN NOVACK

During the 82 painful minutes I endured “The Cat in the Hat,” I

received minor comfort from knowing Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss) was

not alive to see this unholy mess of a movie. Apparently, Geisel’s

estate is greedily selling the rights to his popular books with no

thought of proper adaptation or his legacy.

As with 2000s “How The Grinch Stole Christmas,” also produced by

Brian Grazer, the simple Dr. Seuss children’s story had to be pumped

up into a movie-length screenplay. “Grinch” managed this feat to some

extent and was a commercial success grossing more than $240-million

domestically. Of course, “Grinch” had the enormously popular

30-minute 1966 television version wonderfully animated by Chuck Jones

and memorably narrated by Boris Karloff as a jumping-off point.

The producers of “The Cat in the Hat” had no such template and

have failed miserably in retaining the sweet tone and charm of Seuss’

book. Instead, they have created a mean-spirited hodgepodge with

mostly unfunny humor often not suited for children. The film even

stoops so low as to cruelly mock senior citizens.

The slim plot tells the story of Sally (Dakota Fanning) and Conrad

(Spencer Breslin), two children left home with an elderly baby-sitter

by their stressed-out single mother (Kelly Preston). Mom works for

the neurotically fastidious Mr. Humberfloob (Sean Hayes) and is being

courted by her smarmy neighbor Larry (Alec Baldwin). Larry reveals

himself to the children to be a total cad who is intent on sending

Conrad off to military school.

Seemingly narcoleptic, the elderly baby-sitter Mrs. Kwan (Amy

Hill), falls asleep immediately and remains unconscious throughout

the movie. Mysteriously, from parts still unknown, a giant cat

appears to teach the children how to have “fun.”

As you must know by the bombardment of advertising, the Cat in the

Hat is played by Mike Myers. The “fun” he brings consists entirely of

destructive anarchy.

The Cat is disturbing to look at and Myers is almost

unrecognizable beneath the makeup and costume. Myers seems to be

playing a community theater version of the Cowardly Lion most of the

time when not slipping into his Linda Richman character from

“Saturday Night Live.” Myers uses Bert Lahr’s wheezing laugh every

time he delivers a line apparently due to the writing being so poor

the audience wouldn’t know it was a joke otherwise. While it is true

the script gives him few funny lines, Myers’ performance is

nonetheless simply awful.

Dakota Fanning earnestly tries her best in the thankless role of

Sally, the “perfect” child. However, Conrad as played by the

unsympathetic Breslin is truly psychotic. Larry’s military school

remedy falls short of the intensive psychiatric treatment and Ritalin

therapy he probably really needs.

The credits faithfully use Dr. Seuss’ whimsical artwork to good

effect. Unfortunately, it quickly goes downhill from there. The

jarringly colorful sets don’t look like anything in Seuss’ book and

instead are more reminiscent of Disney’s Toontown. Everything is

Crayola bright and loses any novelty after five minutes.

In conclusion I offer the following:

Do not go see this new Dr. Seuss,

To sit through this mess is simply abuse

If your kids insist, just say please no,

Instead go rent “Finding Nemo!”

* VAN NOVACK, 50, is the director of institutional research at Cal

State Long Beach and lives in Huntington Beach with his wife

Elizabeth.