The year in preview

STEVE SMITH

They’re back!

All those newspaper and magazine “year in review” stories have

started to appear, even though we still have six days left in 2004.

A lot can happen in six days. Someone might discover a cure for

cancer, another dictator could tell the U.S. that he wants to be

friends, and Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez could get reengaged.

Heck, in six days, those two would still have time to call it off

again.

I have just one word for those who put out those year in review

stories: So what! OK, that’s two words, but you get the idea. There’s

no trick to year in review stories -- you just go through the

archives and pull out headlines. Big whoop.

The real risk-taking, the story that separates the men from the

boys, is the annual prediction story, the one written by only the

most daring writers. Or the dumbest. So, here’s my third or fourth (I

forget) year-end predictions column. Read it and then decide which

category applies.

1) Drivers caught by the red-light cameras in Costa Mesa will no

longer pay fines. Instead, they will suffer a far worse fate by being

forced to attend the first Dana Rohrabacher-Bob Dornan debate.

2) Each year, thousands of drivers struggle to get to the coast to

see the boat parade in Newport Harbor but never make it in time. In

2004, they will start to decorate their automobiles with lights,

tinsel and plastic Santas and drive up and down the Costa Mesa

Freeway from 19th Street to the Victoria Street exit, making U-turns

at each end to repeat the trip. It will be grand!

3) The Trinity Broadcasting Co. will shut down its garish light

display and use the savings to start a Christmas tradition by hosting

a soup kitchen on its property. It will also pass out blankets and

clothes to the homeless. Pigs will fly around the property.

4) Triangle Square will finally be put out of its misery and torn

down. In its place will be a series of cute one-story shops,

including a Wells Fargo Bank on the corner of Harbor Boulevard and

19th Street. There will be no parking structure in which to get

trapped for days.

5) The Newport-Mesa Unified School District will experiment with

school hours by starting high school at 9 a.m. instead of at the

crack of dawn. The almighty test scores will rise dramatically, kids

will behave better, and teacher job satisfaction will rise.

6) The school experiment will cease after a clueless parent files

a complaint that the hours discriminate against working folks who

have to drop their kids off and still be at their jobs by 9 a.m.

7) Speaking of clueless, the three people still praying for an

airport in El Toro will finally prove that they are not shills for

developers by organizing a drive to shut down John Wayne Airport. In

its place, they will recommend a park to be called the “Pretty Good

Park” because “Great Park” is already taken.

8) The HoneyBaked Ham store in Corona del Mar will offer a

revolutionary new service during the holidays: It will deliver hams

to customers for a small fee.

9) The Costa Mesa City Council will cut the size of the Bark Park

in half because only about half of it is used on the busiest days.

The other half will be the home of the city’s new skateboard park.

“Extreme Skateboarding Dogs” will be TV’s hottest new show.

10) Since they’re already occupying every corner in the area,

Starbucks and the local oil-change places will all merge into one

company. Coffee will be found to be a better engine lubricant than

motor oil. Cars with fresh oil changes will be outfitted with a giant

cardboard sleeve before they exit.

11) Coed physical education classes will be determined to be

“cruel and unusual punishment” by the U.S. Supreme Court.

12) South Coast Plaza will sign a lease with the new “Re-gifting”

chain of stores. This is the place where you take new, unwanted gifts

from any other store in exchange for store credit for anything else

in the store. The world’s only fruitcake will make a brief appearance

there before being picked up and re-gifted to someone in Tustin.

13) The Daily Pilot’s 103 list will finally include that kid with

the pasta dumped on his head on the sign in front of the Pasta

Connection restaurant in Costa Mesa.

14) Bob Dornan will announce his campaign positions in January.

He’ll come out in favor of invading Iraq to oust Saddam Hussein,

he’ll be in favor of an airport at El Toro, he’ll recommend a new

design of the U.S. currency and he’ll support George W. Bush for

president over Al Gore. Doctors will discover that Dornan has been

asleep for five years.

Have a happy, healthy, prosperous and safe new year. Go Trojans!

* STEVE SMITH is a Costa Mesa resident and a freelance writer.

Readers may leave a message for him on the Daily Pilot hotline at

(949) 642-6086.