So much to say in 2004

PETER BUFFA

It is a new year -- most of you are aware of that.

I wanted to do something really important, something weighty,

something socially relevant for my first column in 2004 AD.

“Do something informed and insightful,” I told myself. “Something

about what the coming year holds for California, for America, for the

world -- that kind of thing.”

What did I come up with, other than ending a phrase with a

preposition? Nothing, niente, nada, zero, zilch, zippo and we’re not

talking about cigarette lighters. As always, at the end of the day,

the only thing I have to offer is all the news that is barely fit to

print, and even that’s a stretch.

Let others wring their hands over mad cows in Washington. I think

the real story is pooping horses in Santa Ana Heights. Someone needs

to get to the bottom of it. Santa Ana Heights is horsy country, as

you know -- lots of horses and wide open spaces where a horse can do

what a horse has to do and believe me they’re not shy.

Pursuant to a flood of state and federal clean water regulations,

the great city of Newport Beach posted signs reminding riders that

they are responsible for any mementos their ponies might leave

behind, especially those that could end up in the storm water system,

which means in the ocean with the next major storm. The signs also

mentioned the fines that could be imposed for flagrant memento

leaving.

But, for a local riding association called the Back Bay

Equestrians, both the references to water quality and potential fines

are a problem.

According to the group’s spokesperson, Jayne Jones, “We don’t

believe that horse manure is a problem for water quality.”

Hmm. I don’t know, Jayne. I keep wracking my brain for “things to

do with water and pay no attention to the horse manure,” but I am

just stumped. Negotiations between the city and the Back Bay

Equestrians are ongoing and I tell you we will follow this story

wherever it leads.

If what’s going on in Santa Ana Heights isn’t bizarre enough for

you, try Brazil.

It’s where a Sao Paulo man went to the hospital with an ear

infection and was given a vasectomy by mistake. Personally, I would

have started asking some questions about exactly what part of my ear

they were after when they gave me the local anesthetic, but things

are different in the Southern Hemisphere.

Back home, spelling remains a problem, whatever the year. The new

Marriott Newport Coast Villas at Newport Coast Drive and East Coast

Highway are a knockout. If you must hang out on a corner, that’s one

heck of a corner to be at. Both the builder and the city are proud of

the striking new resort, as well they should be. When the builder

asked that the new street leading to the villas be called “Marriott,”

the city said sure, why not, live your dream. Unfortunately, the

recently installed signs read “Marriot,” which is just one “t” short

of the truth. And they were so close. Some people might confuse

Newport Coast with Italy’s Adriatic Coast.

That’s where an Italian woman in a village near Bari beat her

husband to death with a scrub brush a few days before Christmas

because he had never given her a child. The woman is 74 years old,

and her late husband was 78, all of which leads me to ask two

questions. Couldn’t you have said something sooner? And exactly how

big is your scrub brush?

New laws are always worth a mention at this time of year. In its

on-going campaign to find small businesses wherever they pop up and

stamp them out before they spread, Sacramento did what it could to

increase the cost of doing business in California, including a

mountain of other laws that we have someone managed to live without

until now. As of July 1, there will be a new tax on televisions and

computer monitors to fund a statewide electronics recycling program.

California will become the first state to ban certain chemicals used

in fire retardants, but the law doesn’t go into effect until 2008.

Don’t ask. Until further notice, it is now illegal to farm salmon,

exotic fish and genetically altered fish off the coast of California.

Oh, OK.

We won’t.

It’s also now illegal to give medical advice over the phone in

California if you’re not a licensed medical professional. Isn’t that

always a good idea? And what does the phone have to do with anything?

If you plan to sell diet supplements with ephedra, you better find

another state to do it in, which will be tough, since the FDA just

banned them anyway.

Could anyone still be using this stuff? Is it just a death wish or

what?

Assembly Bill 196 will ban housing or job discrimination against

people whose appearance differs from that normally associated with

their sex. Umm ... let’s not go there.

As of July 1, there will be no soda sales at elementary and junior

high schools, although soda in high schools is OK. Finally!

When I think of the problems facing young people today, nothing is

more worrisome than a Dr. Pepper in the wrong hands.

Speaking of laws that are dogs, wandering packs of stray dogs in

the Cambodian capital of Phnom Penh have gotten out of control in

recent years. In the finest tradition of “we’re from Phnom Penh and

we’re here to help,” the government’s answer was to launch a new

public information program urging people to eat more dogs.

A French hunter was seriously injured as he loaded his gear and

his hunting dogs into the car when one of the dogs stepped on the

trigger of a loaded shotgun. Sacre bleu. Score one for the pheasants.

Finally, in a New Year’s ceremony, officials in Fiji apologized to

descendants of a British missionary who was killed and eaten by their

ancestors 130 years ago.

Well, OK. It’s a little late, but at least they apologized.

I think that’s everything you need to know for now. We’ll be in

touch. I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs

Sundays. He may be reached by e-mail at ptrb4@aol.com.