Feeling a little alienated

Jose J. Santos

Are you ready for some news that’ll give you the heebie-jeebies?

(OK, maestro, cue the theme to “The X-Files.”)

Apparently, according to some candidates running for political

office, there are aliens running all over California. In fact -- and

I don’t mean to cause panic here -- there may even be some in

Newport-Mesa.

That’s right, Scully. Aliens.

You know, aliens, as in those Sigourney Weaver movies; as in that

tin man from “The Day the Earth Stood Still”; as in strange creepy

little guys like Marvin the Martian.

If that wasn’t horrifying enough, it turns out these aliens are

here illegally -- as in without the government’s consent.

It’s like Orson Welles’ “War of the Worlds,” except instead of

Grovers Mill, I’m in Goat Hill waiting for those three-legged

jiggamabobbers to level 1901 Newport.

According to one Assembly candidate, “Too much money is spent on

making the state hospitable to illegal aliens at a time when the

state doesn’t have money to spend” and that former Gov. Gray Davis’

administration was working to “provide in-state tuition and tuition

fee waivers to illegal aliens.”

Another Assembly candidate has said, “While the federal government

is in the driver’s seat on immigration policy, we ought to do what we

can to reduce the incentives for illegal aliens to come to

California.”

Still another said taxpayers are spending billions of dollars

every year on all sorts of things, “from providing social services to

housing illegal alien felons in our prisons.”

Suddenly, the president’s renewed interest in space makes sense.

It’s not about exploration, it’s about exportation. We gotta get all

these illegal aliens back to their home planets and fast.

They’re coming to California and California is footing the bill.

They’re in our schools, they’re taking our services and they’re even

taking up space -- they like space -- in our prisons.

I’m starting to feel like I have those special glasses that

“Rowdy” Roddy Piper wore in John Carpenter’s “They Live.” I can see

all those creepy aliens in the streets, in the supermarket and --

this is really scary -- even in our kitchens.

If there’s one place I don’t want aliens, it’s in the kitchen. I

saw that episode of “The Twilight Zone” called “To Serve Man”:

There’s no telling what (or who) aliens will put on your plate.

So, I’m guessing these aliens must have had some pioneers make

their way to California over the last 100 years or so. I’m guessing

Area 51 must be where they land and are processed -- sorta like in

“Men in Black” -- then they make the drive into Baker, stop to make

some of that famous alien fresh jerky, and filter out into our cities

and schools.

But that begs the question: what’s the difference between an

illegal alien and a legal alien? I mean, there’s gotta be a

difference, right?

Take E.T. Now that guy had to be illegal: he was hidden by a

middle-class family; he got sick while he was here, exposing a whole

bunch of people to his alien germs; and he wasted precious resources

like telecommunication services and air traffic controlling.

But then, there’s Alf, from that ‘80s TV show. He was adopted, so

I think he ceased being illegal. I feel much safer knowing that fact

since he’s working in our country now, hawking discount long-distance

service.

How about those guys in “Independence Day”? They were definitely

illegal: they wandered around from place to place draining resources

until they left a world without anything for its own citizens.

Now Worf -- that Klingon from “Star Trek: The Next Generation” --

he’s definitely legal. I mean he’s in the military, right? He proudly

serves our planet along with other humans, so I think he’s allowed to

be legal.

How about the Terminator? There’s no way he’s legal, right?

Oh yeah, that’s right, he is. Humans built the Terminator into

what he is today in order to defend themselves from imminent threats

like Gray Davis and Cruz Bustamante. Now if there was only a way to

control him.

Mork from Ork, he’s legal by marriage, so he’s cool.

Which brings me back to Orson -- as in Welles. That whole radio

thing must have not been a hoax. Why else would politicians bring up

this alien issue every two years or so? I mean, let’s really take a

loo --

Hold on, somebody’s whispering something in my ear--

Oh.

Well folks, um, there’s no need to worry. It turns out the

candidates were talking about illegal immigrants, not illegal aliens.

In the words of Gilda Radner, “Never mind.”

It’s campaign season, and while it may not be “War of the Worlds,”

it definitely is a war of words. And whether you’re for or against

the issues surrounding illegal immigration, I hope people will take

the time to consider the words they choose to describe their fellow

human beings, because words matter and voters care about what their

elected officials say.

And that’s no joke.

* JOSE J. SANTOS is the art director and news desk chief. He can

be reached at jose.santos@latimes.com.