Oscar picks are in the bag

PETER BUFFA

There’s no business like show business like no business I know so

let’s get busy. Are you excited? I knew you would be.

It’s Hollywood’s night of nights, the 76th Annual Academy Awards

and, as insignificant as ever, the 8th annual Buffa Picks Oscar

Picks.

Do you know how many people will be watching tonight’s show?

One and a half billion, around the globe. That’s a lot.

But as you’ll read, you’ll know what the other 1.49996 billion can

only guess at ... who’s going home with a little nude gold guy, who

won’t, and why.

Ebert & Roeper my patoot. “E.T.” ... go home. Everything you need

to know is right here. Don’t thank me. It’s my job.

Shall we? The envelopes, please....

Let’s do something different this year. Let’s start with Best

Picture. That way you won’t have to stay up late.

The nominees for Best Picture are: “The Lord of the Rings: The

Return of the King”; “Lost in Translation”; “Master and Commander:

The Far Side of the World”; “Mystic River” and “Seabiscuit.” Let us

dispense with the suspense. The winner is: “The Lord of the Rings:

The Return of the King” -- even though I think there should be

penalty points for overly long titles.

When is a film not a film? When it becomes a social phenomenon,

that’s when. Think “Psycho,” “Jaws,” “Harry Potter.” It’s happening

even as we speak with Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ.” It

opened last Wednesday but people on at least five continents have

been talking and arguing about it for months. Same thing with

“Rings.”

J.R. Tolkien’s fantasy world of elves, dwarfs, trolls and hobbits

has kept a few billion people turning pages for years, and that

translates to a lot of tix at the flix and a little gold on the

mantle.

The nominees for Best Actor in a Supporting Role are: Benicio Del

Toro, “21 Grams”; Alec Baldwin, “The Cooler”; Tim Robbins, “Mystic

River”; Djimon Hounsou, “In America” and Ken Watanabe, “The Last

Samurai.” And the winner is: Tim Robbins, “Mystic River.” This was a

tough one. Alec Baldwin made a charge at it with his performance in

“The Cooler,” but being in the uniformly despised “The Cat in the

Hat” dragged him down.

The nominees for Best Actress in a Supporting Role are: Renee

Zellwegger, “Cold Mountain”; Shohreh Aghdashloo, “House of Sand and

Fog”; Marcia Gay Harden, “Mystic River”; Patricia Clarkson, “Pieces

of April”; Holly Hunter, “Thirteen.” And the winner is: the cute girl

with the funny name, a.k.a. Ms. Zellwegger. You can’t be a genuine,

certified Hollywood star without “it” -- that elusive, enigmatic

“star quality” that lights up the screen. You either got it or you

don’t, and Zellwegger has a boatload of it. I’m not sure her Ruby

Thewes character in “Cold Mountain” is really worthy, but no matter.

When she is on the screen, she’s a Force-5 tornado, tossing other

actors aside like so many props.

By the way, in another year, Shohreh Aghdashloo, the wife and

mother in “House of Sand and Fog” might have won. Aghdashloo is a big

star in Iran and is stunning, along with Ben Kingsley, in “Sand and

Fog,” which is an excellent but really, really depressing film.

The nominees for Best Actor in a Leading Role are: Jude Law, “Cold

Mountain”; Ben Kingsley, “House of Sand and Fog”; Bill Murray, “Lost

in Translation”; Sean Penn, “Mystic River”; Johnny Depp, “Pirates of

the Caribbean.” Best Actor is this year’s toughest code to crack.

There is a large, noisy team rooting for Bill Murray in “Lost in

Translation” and a quieter but larger team rooting for Sean Penn in

“Mystic River.” Johnny Depp in “Pirates” -- who claims he based his

hilarious, always buzzed character of Jack Sparrow on The Stones’

Keith Richards -- is making a late charge, having won the Screen

Actors Guild award last Sunday.

But it’s too little too late. Some critics are lobbying for Murray

to get the nod because he may not get another chance “at his age,”

which is something I really want to hear, considering he’s 2 years

younger than I am. And the winner is, Sean Penn, “Mystic River.” Penn

suffers mightily in “Mystic River,” and Hollywood loves to see actors

suffer. My wife, incidentally, is boycotting this category because

Russell Crowe wasn’t nominated. Then again, if it were up to her,

they’d cancel the whole show and just run pictures of Russell Crowe

to music for four hours.

The nominees for Best Director are: Fernando Meirelles, “City of

God”; Peter Jackson, “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King”;

Sofia Coppola, “Lost in Translation”; Peter Weir, “Master and

Commander: The Far Side of the World”; Clint Eastwood, “Mystic

River.” If Hollywood votes its heart, they will make Clint’s day.

He loves them, they love him and he loves them for loving him.

There is also a rowdy cheering section for Sofia Coppola, daughter of

Francis, who did a fine job pulling the levers and calling the shots

for “Lost in Translation.” Not only is Coppola only the third woman

to be nominated for Best Director, but she is the first American

woman ever. In another year, either of them could have struck gold.

But this year, the winner is: Peter Jackson, “The Lord of the Rings:

The Return of the King.” (See Best Picture selection above, “movies

as social phenomenon, unstoppable, fugedaboudit.”)

We’ve saved the easiest for last. The nominees for Best Actress in

a Leading Role are: Naomi Watts, “21 Grams”; Samantha Morton, “In

America”; Charlize Theron, “Monster”; Diane Keaton, “Something’s

Gotta Give”; Keisha Castle-Hughes, “Whale Rider.” This one is

finished, kaput, over and out, stick a fork in it, it’s done. And the

winner is: Charlize Theron, “Monster.”

Not only did Theron blow the doors off with her portrayal of

serial murderer Aileen Wuornos, she did it in a way that Hollywood

really, really likes. She allowed the make-up people to turn her from

one of the world’s most beauteous beauties into an ugly, scary, grimy

low-life, with really bad teeth. Theron’s transformation takes Nicole

Kidman’s nose in “The Hours” and doubles it.

There you have it. Now you know all there is to know. You’re the

best, don’t ever change, let’s do lunch, have your people call my

people, and remember, never work with kids or animals.

I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs

Sundays. He may be reached by e-mail at ptrb4@aol.com.