Cast can’t save contrived plot

JIM ERWIN

You’re a celebrity author who occasionally attracts your share of

wackos. A stranger shows up at your door, a big scary guy, who makes

accusations that you’ve done him harm. He makes threats and says this

must be settled between the two of you, no outsiders. After he

leaves, do you notify the police or go back to sleeping on the couch?

The answer is, you run back to the box office and try to get them to

refund your $9.50 admission.

The mystery in “Secret Window” relies on contrivances and

illogical behavior to keep you in suspense. Unfortunately, you can’t

be frozen in anticipation when you’re rolling your eyes in disbelief.

The story is full of characters behaving irrationally and convenient

events that aren’t consistent with the rest of the script or its

timeline. I found myself having to consciously suspend disbelief and

agree to go along with the story, only to discover that all the

stupidity was the story’s bedrock.

The final climax, when Johnny Depp’s character discovers what’s

really happening, is so ridiculous that it rivals a “Simpsons”

Halloween special. Overall, this whole project really would have

worked better as an episode of the “Simpsons” featuring Homer in

Depp’s role, and allowing the rest of the cast to fall into place.

The town police chief doesn’t behave much differently than Chief

Clancy Wiggum.

Depp is a first-rate actor and rarely, if ever, gives a bad

performance. He’s great in this movie. The supporting cast of John

Turturro, Maria Bello, Timothy Hutton and Charles Dutton -- all great

actors -- delivers great performances. Philip Glass composed the

soundtrack, and I’m planning to buy it on CD. This should have been a

great movie. People should have been cheering and applauding during

the credits. What I heard were expletives. This was not a happy

audience.

Before this movie, I would have said Depp never made a bad movie.

I can’t help but wonder if the movie on the screen is the same one

this cast thought they were making. It’s kind of hard to believe that

all of these talented performers would agree to be in a stinker.

If you’re a hardcore Depp fan, you might consider renting this on

DVD. Overall, I’m not sure I can even recommend this as a rental.

This doesn’t seem like a movie that will lose anything when it’s

shown on either USA Network or TBS.

* JIM ERWIN, 40, is a technical writer and computer trainer.