Jumping into parenting fray

Sue Clark

The voicemail is effusive and jolly.

“Hi, Ms. Clark, this is Shelley’s dad,” the voice says. “Just

wanted to know how she’s doing and what she needs to do to get

graduated.”

The message is the same as I receive from dozens of other parents

of seniors at my school. Graduation is not a given, especially at

continuation school. If the student has changed her ways, is working

hard and attending well, the goal is to indeed “get her graduated.”

I’m in contact almost daily with many seniors’ parents, and I’m glad

of that. The best results come from the parents, the teachers and

counselor working as a team.

The difference? I had no idea who this guy was.

I’d never spoken to him. He had not attended our new student

orientation, or any of our back-to-school functions or dinners. It

was March, and I’d never had a call from him before. I wasn’t even

sure if I could legally give him any information.

I called Shelley’s mom, whom I knew well.

“Is he a legal guardian?” I asked her.

“Unfortunately, yes,” she said. “He hasn’t done much with her the

last few years. She’s given up and doesn’t even try to plan anything

with him anymore. But yes, go ahead and give him whatever info you

have to.”

She sighed.

“It makes me so mad,” she said. “All of the sudden, he’s going to

be a big mega-dad and take credit for her graduation.”

I’ve seen it happen many times before. The absentee parent

suddenly wants to have a successful child -- a child who goes through

the cap and gown ceremony, gets the diploma and is not a dropout. The

call will be from another state, or just from across town. Often, the

implication is that the current parent needs the noncustodial one to

leap off a white horse and solve the problem. Mighty Dad is here to

save the day.

It’s not always the dads, either. And it doesn’t always pertain to

graduation. I remembered one mother who had been out of her son’s

life until his soccer team made CIF playoffs and started to get lots

of local press. He was being recruited for college soccer. Suddenly,

she appeared at the games rooting for her son.

“I won’t even talk to her,” had been the boy’s bitter comment.

“Now that I’m a so-called celebrity, she’s hanging around. Where was

she all the rest of my life?”

In a 1980s movie, “Kramer vs. Kramer,” the mother of a young boy

leaves him and the father to find herself. The father assumes all

child-rearing duties, as well as full-time work and then finds

himself in a custody battle when the mother reappears and wants to be

primary guardian. Yet, Meryl Streep is such a good actor that the

viewer leaves the movie understanding her side, too.

And there are two sides. Sometimes, there’s a good reason for a

sudden appearance of a parent. In my private practice, one mother

went into rehab for drug addiction, having lost custody of her

children. After some years of extremely hard work, she has her act

together is a part of her kids’ lives again. And the kids’ dad

supports her involvement and accomplishments. They continue to work

as a couple for the children’s success in school and in the community

at large.

Today, a neighbor asked me what I thought was the common

denominator of the kids I work with who struggle. I thought a minute.

“Often they’ve been pawns in a divorce war,” I said. “They’ve been

used as a sounding board to hear the other parent’s flaws. That

parent often drifts away, and not always by choice.”

I am not against divorce; in fact I support it as an option. My

ex-husband and I continue to co-parent our daughter after being

divorced 15 years. Furthermore, I work with students who are

absolutely wretched in intact but unhappy families.

But a parent who suddenly appears on the scene to jump back into

their teen’s life may be in for a shock. They aren’t going to

necessarily be welcomed back quickly or easily. They may not be able

to solve graduation or other problems that the custodial parent has

been struggling with. They may mean well, but will have to prove

themselves.

It’s not that easy to be a last-minute hero.

* SUE CLARK is a Newport Beach resident and a high school guidance

counselor at Creekside High School in Irvine.