Isometrically opposed to gyms

ROBERT GARDNER

I’m trying to figure out when we all started working out. Nobody

worked out in my youth. We did sports like swimming, but those were

part of being in school. We didn’t consider swimming laps as working

out, and we certainly didn’t do any other sort of exercise to prepare

ourselves for swimming like lifting weights. I suppose the football

players did, but since I wasn’t even big enough to be water boy, I

don’t know. Certainly, the grown-ups I knew didn’t “work out.” They

just worked.

As a young man I surfed and did some skin diving, but that was

because they were fun things to do, not because of some physical

benefit I might gain from them. The same with walking. I walked

because it was a good way to see things.

At some point, however, society decided this wasn’t enough. If I

wanted to hold my head up in the neighborhood, I had to start working

out. But how? I wasn’t going to start lifting weights. I’d been a

96-pound weakling, and frankly, getting a little sand on me was

preferable to the boredom of barbells. As for jogging, everyone I saw

trotting around the streets always looked miserable. I didn’t need to

run to do that.

And then I found the solution -- isometrics. Just the name gave me

confidence. It sounded so scientific, and isometrics had a huge

advantage over other methods of exercise. Isometrics were easy. If

you wanted to strengthen your arms, you didn’t stagger around trying

to catch a heavy medicine ball. All you had to do was push your palms

together as hard as you could for 30 seconds. The same with your

stomach. If you wanted to flatten it, you didn’t have to do 100 daily

sit-ups. You just pulled in your stomach muscles as hard as you

could, again for 30 seconds.

With a regimen like that, I didn’t have to go to a gym. I could

work out any place. I could do isometrics sitting down. I could do

isometrics at work! That sold me. I could do my job and exercise at

the same time, so instead of having to go to the gym after work, I

could do something fun and worthwhile like drinking. I was sold.

I immediately put my new regime into practice. There I was,

sitting on the bench, hearing a case, and while I was listening

carefully to the evidence, I did my isometrics. I pushed my palms

together as hard as I could. One exercise down. I pulled my stomach

muscles in as hard as I could -- and noticed that the witness had

stopped talking and was staring at me, as was everyone else in court.

The bailiff hurried up to me. “Are you sick?” he whispered.

“Sick? No, never better,” I replied. “Why?”

“Well, you looked like you were in agony.”

I hadn’t realized that in performing my isometrics my face

reflected my efforts. I guess I looked like I was having a heart

attack. So much for working out, at least in the courtroom.

After that, I pretty much went back to surfing and walking.

Nowadays, it’s just walking. The dog and I circle the block once or

twice, depending on our energy level. However, I haven’t given up

entirely on those isometrics, so if you see an old man with a

dachshund and the old man’s making horrible faces, don’t worry. It’s

not a heart attack victim. It’s just me, working out.

* ROBERT GARDNER is a Corona del Mar resident and a former judge.

His column runs Tuesdays.