Parents must hold a united front

Maxine Cohen

I never cease to marvel at the multitude of real-life dramas being

played out right before our eyes, should we just pay enough attention

to notice. It is truly remarkable. Who needs reality TV, in all its

crassness, when there is so much real life right in front of us?

Maybe it’s a professional hazard or simply a sense I’ve developed

as a result of being a marriage and family therapist, but I see and

hear people in relationships everywhere I go around this gorgeous

town of ours. Usually, it happens when I’m out to eat or walking (a

euphemism for shopping, no doubt) around Fashion Island or Corona del

Mar village. This time, I didn’t even have to leave my front yard.

I moved from West Newport to Corona del Mar almost a year ago. It

was long overdue. For years, I had bucked the partying till 4 a.m.,

the hordes of college kids, and the general level of noise and

disturbance. It got to be just too much, so I got it together and got

out of Dodge.

And Corona del Mar has lived up to all my expectations. There

aren’t any all-night parties and there are no college kids yelling

and playing ball in the middle of the street. It feels calm. It’s

quiet. My dog doesn’t bark nearly as much.

Except for the other day. Yes, let’s get back on track here.

I was sitting outside on my front patio, eating lunch, when my

dog, Maggie, started to bark like she’d gone berserk. Then I heard

it. Yup, reminiscent of the old ‘hood, a skateboard was

clickity-clacking toward us.

Down the middle of the street came a young boy, maybe 10 years

old, doing switchbacks on his skateboard so that his parents, who

were walking on the sidewalk, could keep up with him. Mom and Dad

were visibly upset and it looked like they were arguing.

Mom yelled to her son, “Get off that board and get out of the

street.”

The boy didn’t budge.

“You’re gonna block traffic if a car doesn’t hit you first,” she

said.

Still nothing.

Dad piped up, “Leave him alone. It’s no big deal. Why do you

always have to be on him for something?”

At this, the boy looked up and watched his parents intently. He

kept skateboarding.

I was straining to hear more but by this time, they had moved well

past my little piece of street and all I could hear was the angry

tenor of their voices fading away.

So, Mom and Dad fight and contradict each other in front of their

son who, all the while, has no doubt learned from past experience

that all he has to do is wait out his Mom because Dad will come to

his defense. Then he can continue to do exactly what he wants.

This is a painful way to run a family, but unfortunately, it is

not uncommon. All too often, Mom and Dad do not work together as a

team to present a united front when they discipline. Dad has aligned

with his son to form a coalition and together they exert power over

Mom. This creates an imbalance in the power hierarchy and is as

unhealthy for the boy as it is for the marriage.

So how does this happen?

When two people come together to join their lives, there are many

things to work out. Merging your lives and living in close proximity

means that what one person does wholly affects the other. For

instance, she may spend more money than he thinks is prudent, he may

leave his clothing on the floor, which she doesn’t want to pick up,

she may want the chores taken care of more quickly than he likes to

do them, etc. You get the picture.

When people don’t agree on how to handle these issues, what gets

them in trouble is that they don’t know how to talk it through to the

point where each feels understood -- and understands the other -- so

that they can agree to disagree without too many hard and hurt

feelings. So the issues stay unresolved.

With the birth of the first child, the couple now has a way of

avoiding their problems by focusing on their child. Now the stage is

set for Mom and Dad to disagree about how to parent instead of

fighting over their marital issues.

In this family, Dad gets Mom by one-upping her with their son and

sabotaging her efforts to discipline. He attacks her parenting style

in front of their boy and effectively undermines her authority. He

aligns with the boy, using him as a weapon to show Mom that he is

more powerful than she is and that he will prevail. In this way, he

tries to win the fight between them. Mom also has a part in this, no

doubt, and if I take Dad’s word for it, it is that she is overly

concerned about minor infractions, making big issues out of not much

and harping on the boy unnecessarily. This naturally pushes him

toward Dad, which reinforces the very dynamic she is trying to

prevent.

Mom and Dad should be working together as a team, discussing in

private what to do with their son and how best to go about it. The

boy should not be involved. His parents should form a united front,

informing him of their unanimous decision, so that he cannot divide

and conquer.

The child should be the least powerful person in the family.

Although kids like to resist when disciplined, they feel somehow

guilty when they can get away with doing what they know they

shouldn’t and they feel responsible for causing their parents to

fight. Unfortunately, not only is the marital relationship damaged,

but their son gets hurt most in the process.

So, Mom and Dad, cease and desist. Work out your issues in private

and address what it is that you have real differences about. Do not

make your son a pawn to be played in the game of marital roulette.

The odds are terrible. If you spin the wheel over and over, you

will lose, and your most precious boy will lose, too.

* MAXINE COHEN is a Corona del Mar resident and a marriage and

family therapist in Newport Beach whose column will appear regularly.

She can be reached at maxinecohen@adelphia.net or (949) 644-6435.