All that work for nothing

PETER BUFFA

Some days it doesn’t pay to get out of bed. Especially if you’re a

transvestite bank robber.

Last Wednesday, Brianna Catherine Cery walked into the Bank of

America on Newport Center Drive just before closing to make a

withdrawal. Brianna -- that’s a pretty name, no? Too bad it isn’t

real.

Brianna Catherine Cery is actually Bryan Cery, a 53-year employee

of Ralphs supermarket on 17th Street. Remember that. It’s important.

But for a fleeting moment, late on a Wednesday afternoon, in a

quiet bank across the street from the most fashionable island of them

all, Bryan was Brianna, sort of -- all dolled up in a blonde wig,

jeans and a tank top. Cery walked up to a teller’s window in the most

ladylike fashion he could muster and pulled out a stainless steel

handgun, a poor choice of accessory. Cery brandished the gun in a

threatening manner and demanded all the teller’s money. According to

Sgt. Steve Shulman, a member of Newport Beach’s finest, “The teller

told him he didn’t have any money.”

Not wanting the trip to be a total waste, Brianna dropped by to

chat with some of the other tellers, grabbing whatever he or she

could. That’s when things started to get weird.

A customer -- somehow unaware that a robbery was in progress but

apparently a regular at the Ralphs on 17th Street -- recognized Cery

and tried to say “Hi.” Don’t you hate that?

You put on the wig, pull on the pantyhose and the jeans, squeeze

into the bra and the heels, drive all the way to the bank, pull out

your gun and someone says, “Oh, Bryan, hi. I thought that was you.”

It didn’t take long for the customer to realize this probably

wasn’t the best time to get caught up with good ol’ Cery from Ralphs,

who was now heading for the door.

When the police showed up, the friendly, chatty customer told them

everything they needed to know about Cery from Ralphs. It took the

cops about four minutes to get Bryan’s name and address from his

employer. Armed with a copy of Bryan’s driver’s license photo, the

police got immediate, multiple IDs of their suspect from the tellers

and customers at the bank.

When Cery showed up at his Long Beach home about 10 that night -- working two jobs makes for a long day -- he had company, lots of it.

Inside the house, police found the loot, the gun and some notes about

the robbery. Isn’t that strange? How many crimes have you read about

where the bad guy not only makes a to-do list but holds on to it?

Once you’ve made the stunningly bad decision to rob a bank, how

hard can it be? Do you really need a list? “Put on wig; bring gun;

note; get gas.” But then, not leaving your “to do” list on the

kitchen counter is just one lesson that is lost on most bank robbers.

When a reporter asked notorious bank robber Willie Sutton why he

robbed so many banks, Sutton’s legendary answer, “Because that’s

where the money is,” has probably landed more bank robbers in the

Graybar Hotel than the FBI. That was true in the 1920s when Sutton

kicked off his notorious career, but that was then and this is now.

These days, banks have surprisingly little cash on hand. According

to Sgt. Shulman, Bryan and Brianna netted very little for their

trouble and almost all of it was recovered. And Cery’s clothes

weren’t the only thing off-center about his short-lived crime spree.

According to FBI statistics, most bank robberies happen between 10

a.m. and 3 p.m., with Friday being the bank robbers’ day of choice.

The average bank artist is a 30-year old male -- considerably older

than the average age for other crimes -- and only 3% are female. The

typical robber is not armed, and if there’s a note involved, it’s

handwritten on a deposit slip then and there, which gives the robber

a chance to scope out the scene.

In fact, one of my favorite moronic bad guy stories, and they are

legion, happened not long ago, when a bank robber grabbed the cash

and ran after handing the teller a note written on one of his own

deposit slips. He didn’t run far, or for long.

So there you have it -- Bryan, Brianna and an excellent Newport

Beach adventure. Oh, almost forgot.

When Cery was hauled in, he was wearing a blue top, black sweater

and a purple and pink skirt. Geez, Bryan, if we’re going to rob banks

in Newport Beach, let’s get a color consultant, shall we? I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs

Sundays. He may be reached by e-mail at ptrb4@aol.com.