To the ‘nontraditional’ moms

Sue Clark

Now that traditional Mother’s Day has come and gone, I’d like to

honor the host of kind adults who functioned as surrogate mothers for

my daughter, as I (literally) worked my way through 18 years of

single motherhood.

The first and most deserving of respect is my publicity-shunning

ex-husband, Laura’s Dad. (He will just hate this!) Dave has been a

50% physical-custody parent for the 15 years of our divorce. Since we

lived three blocks from each other, we had it easier than some

co-parents. He attended all school functions with us; we sat as a

family. There was no pointless sniping and we both worked hard to

keep our daughter as the focus, instead of dwelling on negatives.

I still remember my first single Mother’s Day, when he sent me a

card saying, “You’re a good Mom.” He was her soccer coach for years

and helped her pursue school projects and all her personal goals in

an enthusiastic, if less dramatic manner than I did. My daughter once

observed, “I got the best of you and Dad; for example, I got Dad’s

calmness.”

There have been many other people who deserve “Nontraditional Mom”

status in our family over the years:

Dave’s sister Marilyn, who watched our child for the first scary

months as I went back to work as a school counselor, and gave me the

daily updates along the lines of, “She’s fine, don’t worry.”

Miss Chrissy at Christ Church by the Sea Preschool, who became

Laura’s idol and sent her a postcard when she moved to Arizona

Genevieve, one of Laura’s favorite baby-sitters, who not only won

her heart with her humor and joie de vivre, but sent her letters from

camp encouraging her to ‘use the potty,’ at that critical stage of

life.

Beatrice, the mother of one of my daughter’s best friends -- a

devout Christian -- who explained to her children, “We don’t believe

in divorce, but we respect Sue, Laura and Dave’s decision.” Beatrice

spent lots of time with both girls, giving them plenty of time and

stay-at-home mom fun. Laura and I still think of Beatrice, now in San

Luis Obispo, and chant, “Ooh, La, La,” as she did.

Tom, the one-of-a-kind after school teacher for the YMCA in the

1980’s, who read articles (only the silly ones) from the Star and

Enquirer to the kids, taught them guitar, and had a huge dinosaur

with a Barbie hanging out if its mouth in the trailer. He had such a

strong following of kids and parents, that when the YMCA was going to

move him, there was a parent protest. Tom was a walking example of

the need for a worthy salary for day care workers.

John Daffron, first grade teacher who taught by youth exuberance,

and by dressing as a half-man half-woman on Halloween for the

children.

Laura Holmes, a fifth-grade teacher who pulled my child out of a

mindset that she could not pass the Gifted And Talented Education

(also known more simply as “GATE”) test by telling her, “If you don’t

pass that test, there is something wrong the test, not you. This

teacher was one where, on the first day of school, my daughter and

her friends told me, “Mrs. Holmes understands kids.” She and my

daughter still correspond.

Sue Steen and her family, whose oldest daughter knew mine through

sports. Really, this mother was more of a surrogate mom for me. We

had many talks over the years about how I was doing fine as a single

mom and everything was going to be OK.

Laura’s pals, Errol and Sonny -- now retired and living in Alabama

-- functioned as doting grandpas to a little girl who didn’t have

any, and as beloved fathers to me.

I know there have been so many more teachers and coaches who have

been in loco parentis over the years. These people don’t get the

greeting cards or flowers -- at least not on the traditional day --

but I want to send them one today.

None of us said to ourselves as children, “I want to be a single

mother when I grow up”; yet circumstances and complex issues

parachuted some of us into that territory. To the guides and mentors

along the way, I say “Happy Mothers’ Day. We remember you and all you

did for our child.”

* SUE CLARK is a Newport Beach resident and a high school guidance

counselor at Creekside High School in Irvine.