Massage, facial and some advice

MAXINE COHEN

It was finally time for me to try the Spa and Fitness Club at South

Coast Plaza. I’d wanted to go there for years because I’d heard great

things about it but I never seemed to make it happen. So my daughters

got together during the holidays and gave me a gift certificate. That

was the push I needed.

I made an appointment for a massage and facial, anticipating a day

of rest and relaxation, thinking of nothing related to work or the

things I had to get done. Just chilling.

I arrived early. Checked in. Took my time looking around and

getting my bearings. I took a lemongrass shower (too smelly for me)

as requested before using the facilities. The steam room was out of

order so I sat in the sauna and went into the spa.

There were two women already bathing. One had on a suit and the

other was draped in a sopping wet towel, which she clasped tightly to

her. I lowered myself slowly into the hot water.

“It’s not that hot really once you get used to it,” the towel lady

said. “I’m firming up my thighs.”

“Pardon me?” I wasn’t quite sure I’d heard her right.

“This jet is real strong and it’s toning my thighs,” she repeated

with conviction.

OK, Max, I thought to myself, that’s ridiculous but say nothing.

Only exercise can make you more firm.

“That’s nice,” I managed.

It brought to mind those TV commercials from long ago that

advertised the exercise machine with the strap that you placed across

your rear-end that was supposed to vibrate your fat away as you just

stood there. Fat chance of that. Pun intended and yes, I am that old.

OK. Enough of that. Moving on.

My massage was excellent, but my facial was substandard. I took

another shower, orange vanilla scent this time and yummy.

I went into the boudoir area to dry and style my hair. I was

figuring out what toiletries the Spa provided, and how to use the

hair dryer, when I noticed the woman next to me who was talking

ardently to her friend.

(Give it a rest, girl. You’re not on duty today.)

But I couldn’t help but hear. And I couldn’t help myself.

“I distinctly remember talking about it with him and we’d agreed,

but now Mark says he didn’t agree and that I was pulling strings

again.”

“Seems to me this happens a lot,” said her friend.

“But I’m not pulling strings,” she said. “Really, I’m not.”

“Did you tell him that?” asked her friend.

“Yeah, but he said I was, which really upset me, so I told him

that if he wasn’t so good at not talking about things maybe we would

have gotten it straight.”

Never mind that all I heard was her version of the conversation.

It revealed enough for me to know why this relationship was not

working.

A relationship cannot work when each person thinks it’s the other

one’s fault and that if he or she would only change, then the

problems would disappear. There is a quote by H.L. Mencken,

newspaperman and savvy political commentator, that fits perfectly:

“You may be a fool and not know it, but not if you’re married.”

This means that each person can only see what’s wrong with the

other person and by definition, if the other person is wrong then you

must be right. And if you’re right, then you don’t have to look at

yourself or what you’re doing that’s contributing to the mess. This

is an all around losing proposition. She loses, he loses, and the

relationship loses because, for sure, both people have a part in

making the relationship hard.

So what is each of their parts, according to the other?

Mark’s perspective is that she “pulls strings.” This is a powerful

image. To me, it brings to mind a puppeteer, working the strings of

her puppet, controlling his every movement, making him dance exactly

like she wants him to. I would imagine that this means that she can

be manipulative, that she works it up one side and down the other

until she gets what she wants and that she is so afraid of being out

of control that she tries to control.

Apparently, it is not new news to her that he feels this way and

yet all she can do is to deny it. She doesn’t ask him what he saw and

what he thinks she did this time that means she’s doing it again.

Worse yet, she goes on the offensive and accuses him of being at

fault for what happened because he doesn’t tell her what he wants.

For Mark’s part, she’s probably right. He may very well be a man

who is afraid of conflict, who consequently isn’t forthcoming about

what he thinks and feels and doesn’t say what is important to him.

This allows her to take his silence for agreement and to get a false

impression of their discussions. Mark is then surprised by the end

result and feels misunderstood, manipulated, and controlled by her.

So how do these two get this relationship back on track?

What needs to happen is for each of them to recognize that they

have a part in this. To be willing to look honestly at themselves and

to acknowledge from their hearts the ways in which the other person’s

view of them has merit. She needs to ask him what he means when he

says she “pulls strings,” and he needs to ask her what she means when

she says he’s “good at not talking.”

Each person has to be open to non-defensively listening to what

the other person has to say. Too often people get scared so instead

of staying open, they go away in their head and criticize the other

person or rehearse what they’re going to say next so they don’t hear,

or take in, what’s being said to them.

The thing is, the way each of them thinks and feels is valid;

that’s a given. Neither person’s perspective is more valid than the

other’s. It is an “and” rather than an “or” that is imperative to

keep in mind if the dichotomy of right versus wrong, win versus lose

is to be avoided. The relationship needs to and can hold both

perspectives at the same time. This is the only way the relationship

can “win,” which means that neither of them does.

So in terms of the conversation I overheard, this woman’s response

to Mark should have been, “Gosh honey, I’m concerned that I thought

we’d agreed and you didn’t. And I’m upset that you think I’m still

pulling strings because I don’t want to do that to you anymore. I

know that harms us. Tell me what you saw me doing so that I can

better understand.”

Win, win.

* MAXINE COHEN is a Corona del Mar resident and a marriage and

family therapist practicing in Newport Beach.

She can be reached at maxinecohen@ adelphia.net.