Straight talk does the trick

MAXINE COHEN

Now that the days are longer and the weather is warmer, I’ve been

walking my dog, Maggie, all over Corona del Mar. What a hodgepodge

this gorgeous little village is! If you blur out and just sort of

scan it, it’s ever so charming. Up close, with more focused vision,

it’s a mix of older cottages next to newer two- or three-story homes

and everything in between. Well-maintained buildings and landscaping

abut run-down, unkempt messes.

I suppose that’s the blessing of “CC & Rs” but still and all,

there’s a certain charm to the diversity, unless you’re unlucky

enough to live next door to an unsightly mess and you want to pull

your hair out.

A few weeks ago, Maggie and I went for a walk on one of our usual

routes. On the other side of the street were two neighbors talking

across the low wall that divides their properties. One man’s home was

new, modern, and exceedingly well manicured; the other’s was a

cottage surrounded by a huge pile of tall weeds. I did a double-take.

I walk past that house all the time and I’d always assumed that the

person living there was old and too feeble to do yardwork. But here

was an able-bodied man in his late 40s. Why would he let his property

look like that?

I walked on by, down to Coast Highway, over to Marguerite, and

back up the other side of the street. The two men were still out

there talking. As I got midway between their two homes, Maggie

stopped to sniff and pee. I stood there waiting for her.

The man on the patio of the new house said loudly, “Whattaya

think?”

I looked up. He seemed to be looking straight at me although he

was talking to his neighbor who was sitting amid the tall weeds

covering his yard.

“Pardon me? Are you talking to me?” I asked.

“Yes. You look like you’re thinking about something,” he said.

I gulped. “Well, actually, I am. I was thinking how awful those

weeds look.”

“Thank you for volunteering,” said his neighbor, dripping sarcasm.

“Actually, I didn’t volunteer. I was asked,” I managed as I

quickly pulled Maggie along and walked on up the street.

That was really odd. Not to mention awkward. I know I’ve been

accused of not having a poker face but I couldn’t have orchestrated

this any more perfectly had I tried.

It brought to mind, several months ago, CNN was canvassing the man

on the street to see what she/he thought about some event that was

breaking news. The thing was, they asked Manhattanites who responded

with blunt straight-forwardness. Rudi Bakhtiar remarked, “If you want

to know what people really think, ask people who live in Manhattan.”

Well, I’m not from New York. I grew up 30 miles south of the city,

in New Jersey. Not sure it makes much difference though because since

moving west of the Mississippi, I’ve consistently experienced myself

as more direct and outspoken than most other people. A very mixed

blessing, indeed.

So, I was ruminating on what happened, not feeling good about

having shot my mouth off and thinking that maybe I should have made

up something else to say, although I’m not sure I could have thought

up something right on the spot. I was also feeling grateful that I

don’t live next to a schleppy property and that this is not my

problem because this man will never clean up his yard now, not after

this.

And then three days ago, walking Maggie past this house again,

there was a young man with a weed-whacker busily cutting down the

weeds. I could now see that there is a genuine flagstone patio, a

healthy fruit tree, and a trellis with vines all over it supported by

two stone pillars on the property. Really attractive.

I was surprised, to say the least.

One of the cardinal rules of relationships is that if you want

someone to change, telling them so straight out is the worst possible

way to go about it. It is inherent in human nature that we will

resist when told what to do. We will find a way of criticizing the

other person (how offensive they are, how dare they speak to me that

way, the nerve) and thereby invalidating the message or we will find

a way to rationalize our own point of view. We will not comply. We

will not give in.

Certainly, had I been invested in this man cleaning up his yard,

my outspokenness would have greatly reduced the possibility that he

would ever do so.

And yet, three weeks later, that is exactly what he did. He must

have mulled it over and over and finally come to the conclusion that

what I said was valid, and he was able to do what he thought was

right, apparently without losing face.

The thing is, this must be a man who is good at being in

relationship. Because he did exactly what it takes to make a

relationship work, i.e. he looked at himself and took responsibility

for his part instead of making it about the other person. He was able

to incorporate another person’s view of his behavior and to recognize

that he was not behaving in a way that he felt good about. He was

able to see, possibly for the first time, how his neighbors saw his

yard and to understand what that would feel like from their point of

view. And so he did something about it.

Now granted this is about weeds this time but it really isn’t

about weeds. Because the process is the same regardless of the

content, and if you can see your part around weeds, hopefully you can

see your part around other more important issues. If you are open to

understanding how your behavior impacts others and what that must

feel like to them, then you will most likely be able to look at

yourself and see what fits with your own integrity and behave

accordingly. It’s not about losing face. It’s not about losing at

all. Because when we are in good faith with ourselves, we win, by

definition, because we feel good about ourselves regardless of

anything or anyone else.

So, hey man, next time I walk Maggie by and you’re outside,

introduce yourself, will you? I’d like to know you!

* MAXINE COHEN is a Corona del Mar resident and a marriage and

family therapist practicing in Newport Beach.