A father who might know best

MICHELE MARR

This Father’s Day, of an estimated 66.3-million fathers in the United

States, approximately 25.8 million will be raising children of their

own, younger than age 18, in married-couple households. Of every 10,

two fathers will be raising three or more of their own children 18

years or younger.

Pat Cottrell is one of them. Cottrell is the father of 11

children. Of them, four girls and four boys, each younger than 18,

are still living at home. So when he offers advice about fathering,

you can expect it to be practical.

As pastor of Calvary Baptist Church, he has a passion for

encouraging other fathers to become the best fathers they can be.

From experience, he knows that’s far from easy. So when you talk to

Cottrell you soon realize he doesn’t preach as much as share his

successes and the hard-won lessons of his failures.

He’s soft-spoken and unhurried in answering questions posed to

him. He’s assured, solid, comfortable enough to bear long pauses as

he considers his replies.

His tenor conveys both confidence and compassion. He doesn’t tear

through what he has to say as though it’s a well-rehearsed monologue.

One of his most heartfelt messages to fathers is this: Never lose

heart; never give up.

Cottrell knows every father inevitably has moments, even seasons,

of failure. He has a passion for encouraging them. Failure, he

believes, can be a father’s greatest teacher, gifting him with a

turning point.

“Our natural tendency when we fail is to beat ourselves up, to

shut down, to feel like, ‘if I can’t do it right, why do it at all?’”

Cottrell tells other fathers. What he wants them to learn is how,

when they fail, they can learn from it, grow through it, to become a

better father.

He mines the Bible for its mother lode of stories about fathers

who illustrate what he means. One of the more prominent of those

fathers is the Old Testament’s King David.

Although David was fingered by God to be king of Israel and even

described by God as “a man after my own heart,” he was in significant

ways, according to Cottrell, ineffectual as a father.

“He was very much an absent father, abdicating his

responsibilities as a father,” says Cottrell. “It wreaked horrible

consequences in his family.”

They were consequences that included the incestuous rape of one of

his daughters by one of his sons and the nearly unbearable death of

another.

In parenting, unlike other roles in his life, David rarely seemed

to derive wisdom from his mistakes. Instead, he raged and despaired

over the sins of his children, adding further tragedy to each

heartbreak.

Cottrell is fervent about presenting fathers an alternative,

something, he says, author John C. Maxwell calls “failing forward,”

in a book by the same name.

The subtitle of Maxwell’s book is “Turning Mistakes Into

Stepping-Stones for Success,” and that is what Cottrell hopes to

coach other fathers to do. He points to God’s grace and forgiveness

and says, “That is exactly his message to us: just move forward.”

For church leaders, Cottrell advocates verses four and five of one

Timothy, chapter three, which call for elders to be both good heads

of their households and good fathers.

The passage stipulates, “[An elder] must be one who manages his

own household well, keeping his children under control with all

dignity. But if a man does not know how to manage his own household,

how will he take care of the church of God?”

Cottrell clarifies that he is not talking about perfection, about

never making a mistake.

“I’m talking about people who are humble, who when they blow it,

they own up to it and say, ‘I’m going to get better at this’ instead

of ignoring or denying their mistakes,’ or saying, ‘I failed [so]

what’s the sense of trying?’”

He sees the shortcomings of parents as part of God’s plan, to make

sure, by design, that as children grow up, they come to understand

that no one, not even their father or mother, is perfect. No one is

perfect, he says, but God.

“If I could be a perfect father, my children wouldn’t need God,”

Cottrell said. “Ultimately, [children] need to put their trust and

faith in God, not in any one of us.”

Calvary Baptist Church is at 8281 Garfield Ave. For more

information, call 714-962-6860.

* MICHELE MARR is a freelance writer from Huntington Beach. She

can be reached at michele@soulfoodfiles.com.