Wash tiffs away with a Platinum Rule

MAXINE COHEN

Do you miss Steve’s Car Wash? Do you even know that it’s under new

ownership and now called Beach Cities? Actually, I’ll confess. I

didn’t. At least not until a year ago, when I think they’d already

been in business about a year. So much for not being a perfectionist

when it comes to my car. But you know about that already from an

earlier column.

Steve’s was voted best car wash for I don’t know how many years in

a row, and since the Car Spa is always so crowded, I decided to go

all the way across town in the hope that Beach Cities would do a

top-flight job just by virtue of the fact that they occupy the same

physical space. Hopefully, they’d have somewhere for me to sit while

I wait other than those outdoor benches.

Pulled my car in. Still cash only, just like Steve’s. Yup, the

interior of the building, which they’d gutted, was still empty. No

place to sit other than the same hard concrete benches. Okey dokey

(sigh). I headed over there to wait.

And there, already waiting, was my former neighbor, a man I really

like. Delighted to see him, I asked Sam to fill me in on all the news

from the old hood.

The biggest piece of news was that his wife had her knee replaced

four months ago. The operation itself went very well, but the

aftermath was terrible. She developed one complication after another

and was laid up still. This all happened a year after she

rollerbladed into a parking meter and blew her elbow to smithereens.

Not so good.

“Just my luck,” he quipped. “Everyone else has a wife that gets a

cold or the flu. I got a dud!”

I laughed. I know him well enough to know that his irreverent

humor belies the fact that he’s a kind and caring man.

“How are you doing?” I asked, recognizing that this can be almost

as hard on the caregiver as on the patient.

“OK,” he said. “I’m around mostly anyway, and I just told her to

let me know if she needs anything.”

“Are you leaving it up to her to ask you then?”

His eyes were still. They looked blank, as if he didn’t

understand.

Uh-oh. I’ve known Sam and Alice for 12 years, and I’d often heard

her jokingly complain about the fact that she could lie there all day

long when she was sick, and Sam would never even notice. I always

took this to be something of an overstatement, exaggerated for comic

effect. Maybe not.

But since I do know him well, I decided to risk it. I ventured,

“Sam, you gotta ask her repeatedly if you can do anything for her. A

blanket ‘lemme know’ won’t cut it.”

“Hmmm. That’s what she says,” he replied. “Thing is, I’d much

rather be left alone when I’m not feeling well.”

“I believe you,” I said. “But that’s not what she wants.”

“So whatever happened to the good old Golden Rule?” joked Sam.

Good question.

The Golden Rule says, “Do unto others as you want others to do

unto you.” In actual practice, this means that Sam is going to treat

his wife the way that he wants to be treated. In this instance, it

means that since Sam likes to be left alone when he isn’t feeling

well, he’s gonna leave Alice alone, too.

Right? Workable? Apparently not.

At the risk of committing heresy, I don’t think the Golden Rule

quite does it. It’s not that it isn’t a valuable principle to live

by. Certainly it is, but I see it more as a statement of good

intentions than an actual rule that prescribes behavior. We all want

to be treated kindly, lovingly and with consideration. By far, the

majority of us would say that our intention is to treat others this

same way. But if we behave toward others in the way that feels right

to us, that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’ll work for them. Case

in point above.

I think there’s a better way to go. It’s the Platinum Rule: “Do

unto others the way THEY want to be done unto.” This is about

differences and honoring and respecting the other person’s right to

have preferences that do not line up with yours. It’s about behaving

in ways that the other person considers loving and kind.

It’s about your husband sitting in his chair, reading the

newspaper, not bored, not intentionally ignoring you and not wanting

to be disturbed until he’s through, even though you don’t mind being

spoken to when you’re reading. It’s about your wife, cooking dinner

in the kitchen, focusing on the task at hand, not wanting to be

grabbed and kissed passionately right then and there even though

you’d love it if she’d come over and do that to you anytime.

This comes up all the time when I counsel couples and families. It

seems that we want to treat others in the ways that feel good to us,

in spite of the fact that they tell us loudly and repeatedly that

that is not what they want.

This is problematic in so many ways but none more so than when we

are sick. Illness makes us feel more needy and vulnerable than usual,

and we are less able to fend for ourselves. So it is more threatening

and hurtful when we are not responded to in the way that feels best

to us.

And so it is with Sam and Alice. When Alice is sick, she feels

cared about and cared for when Sam caters to her. When Sam is sick,

he feels cared about and cared for when Alice leaves him alone. If he

wants anything, he’ll ask. Very different but very real for each of

them.

If we apply the Golden Rule here, Sam will ignore her and Alice

will feel hurt, neglected and abandoned. And Alice will tend him to

death and Sam will feel suffocated and engulfed.

If we apply the Platinum Rule, Sam will remember to ask Alice how

she feels and if he can do anything to make her more comfortable.

Alice will make a concerted effort to leave Sam alone unless he asks

for help.

After all, platinum is more expensive than gold, and it’ll get you

a whole lot farther in your relationships. So treat others the way

they want, and both of you will get more of what you want.