‘Bidding’ for steady relationships

MAXINE COHEN

First day out, I went to see “Fahrenheit 9/11.” It’s playing at the

Lido Theater, which is not only in my old hood but is one of my

favorite theaters. I just like to give it business in the hope that

it’ll survive. With its big screen, single venue and huge seating

capacity, it’s a throwback to the movie houses of my childhood -- not

the iridescent fish, of course, but that just adds to the beachy

ambience that makes me love it more.

I came prepared. Anticipating a huge line, I gave myself lots of

time. So, I window-shopped in the Via Lido Pharmacy while I waited.

Man, do they have an odd conglomeration of stuff. A whole Sherman

Gardens full of fake flowers, plus candles, body products and china.

Not to mention a great selection of greeting cards, stationery and

paper goods. I kept monitoring the window, so that I could see the

line for the movies form down Via Lido and get in it on time.

So, I’m in line, waiting, talking to the people on either side of

me, and I see a woman ahead of me, frantically looking around. She

must be waiting for someone, I thought to myself. As the minutes went

by, she became more and more agitated, alternately looking at her

watch and then up and down the street.

The line had just started to move, when he appeared.

“Where were you?” she accused. “I thought I was going to have to

go in without you.”

“Am I that late?” he asked.

She rolled her eyes.

“What do you mean, are you that late?” she said. “When are you

ever not late?”

He reached for her, as if trying to give her a hug.

That’s when the “bids” came.

According to John Gottman, who researches why marriages fail, the

basic building block of human relationships is something he calls

“the bid.” A bid is an overture made by one partner to the other for

support, contact, connection and acknowledgment.

Bid No. 1: She moved her shoulder away from his outstretched arm.

“Come on,” he said. “Don’t make a big deal of this. Let’s enjoy

the movie.”

Bid No. 2:

“That’s easy for you to say,” she said.

He got in line beside her. They walked together in silence.

Had I been in line with Gottman, he would have had a lot to say to

these two. Gottman has conducted the most well-respected research in

the field on what makes marriage succeed and what makes it fail. Over

the past 20 years, he has followed close to 500 couples, reassessing

them at various intervals. To do his work, he measured heart, pulse

and perspiration rates and breathing. He categorized facial

expressions, videotaped interactions, cataloged and tallied them. He

has accumulated an impressive body of data on human interaction

patterns, which makes his research the most scientifically rigorous

(no easy task when it comes to human beings) in the field so far.

The man made two bids: the first to hug the woman and the second

to say, “Let it go.” Both were rejected.

Gottman found that there needs to be a 5-1 ratio of positive to

negative emotional interactions for a marriage to prosper. In actual

practice, this means that there have to be five moments of humor,

affection, caring, support and kindness for every one moment of

criticism, anger, defensiveness and complaint.

A bid is a way of initiating a positive interaction. A bid can be

received and reciprocated, rebuked or not even noticed.

As it relates to our couple, it looked to me like the woman

rebuked the man’s bid by moving her body away and not allowing him

to hug her. It’s also possible that she didn’t even see his gesture

as an attempt to initiate a positive moment and automatically

withdrew. Had she allowed him to hug her, in effect accepting his

bid, there would have been a moment of sweetness between them that

would have helped her to let go of her anger.

It is crucial to the well-being of the relationship that bids are

both initiated and received. This is because it creates an atmosphere

where positive sentiment override -- or PSO -- operates.

That means when your partner does something that you find

irritating, offensive or hurtful, you will be more likely to let it

go and not take it personally.

Let me give you an example.

A couple is having friends over for dinner and is getting ready.

She’s in the kitchen, cooking, and he’s setting the table in the

dining room. He can’t find the napkins and calls to his wife to ask

where they are. She answers, “Come on. They’re in the buffet. You

know that. You live here, too.” Now, if positive sentiment override

is operating, he will ignore the critical tone of her remark, account

for her tone of voice by thinking she’s just hurrying to get ready

like he is, and go get the napkins. If it’s not operating, he will

most likely retaliate by either yelling back at her or walking off

the job.

As you can see, PSO goes a long way to promoting good feelings

between partners and keeping the relationship good.

Here’s the tricky part. When the PSO isn’t operating, it’s hard to

work your way out of the relationship hole because 50% of the time,

unhappily married couples either do not notice that bids for

connection are made, or they refuse to receive them.

This is only one facet of Gottman’s extensive research. I think

this is essential information on how to keep your marital

relationship working well. The book I like best is “The Seven

Principles for Making Marriage Work.” It’s not his most recent, but

it is his most clear and user-friendly.

As for “Fahrenheit 9/11,” it was OK. It has a good, strong

message, the core of which I agree with, but Michael Moore was once

again overly fervent, and the movie got bogged down in the middle and

became repetitious and boring.

Moore did a real good job of naming the movie though. It’s

namesake, Ray Bradbury’s book, Fahrenheit 451, published in 1953, is

a work of social criticism that warns that oppressive government,

left unchecked, can do irreparable damage to society by suppressing

thought through censorship, in particular the destruction of the

written word -- paper burns at a temperature of 451 degrees

Fahrenheit.

Yes, the George W. presidency has resulted in the suppression of

dissenting opinions and the loss of some of our basic human rights,

such as the rights of prisoners of war to be treated humanely.

* MAXINE COHEN is a Corona del Mar resident and a marriage and

family therapist practicing in Newport Beach.