Self-esteem is more than window dressing

MAXINE COHEN

I decided recently to go over to Trader Joe’s and get a few things I

needed.

As I headed that way, I came face to face with a full-length

display window for The Gap. There was a huge picture of a woman’s

full breasts and her cleavage in a skimpy, hot pink, low-cut bra. No

head, no lower body, nothing. Just her breasts. Written on the window

in big letters was, “Reveal how you feel.”

I did a double-take. I could not believe my eyes. It’s a double

entendre. One meaning is, let people know what your feelings are, and

the other is, show him how good you’re going to feel when he touches

you.

Now, my sensibilities are not that delicate; that may be the good

news or the bad news, but I’ve got to tell you, I am wholly offended

by this. This is wholly inappropriate.

As far as I know, The Gap markets to young girls. I asked my

daughters, just to be sure. They agreed, the clothing store markets

to high school and college kids, and to a lesser extent, middle

school kids. They knew about The Gap’s advertising slogan.

Does anyone remember the Calvin Klein underwear ads that the

company took so much heat for? They were highly sexual, but the model

was a young Kate Moss. It smacked of artful kiddie porn and was

labeled “heroin chic.”

This is not that, but it’s not all that much better.

The bodies of 12-year-old girls are just starting to develop. It’s

not unusual that a girl’s body will not be fully mature until she is

well into her teens. So here’s The Gap, selling sex to kids who may

not have the equipment and who are just beginning to learn about

themselves as individuals and in relation to the opposite sex. The

images seem to be telling young, impressionable girls to see

themselves as sexual objects and that it doesn’t matter if you’re

smart or athletic -- you just have to have round breasts with lots of

cleavage, and you will be a hit with the guys. Talk about a recipe

for low self-esteem.

What is shoveled into young girls’ heads is most important because

they are influenced and shaped by how society tells them they should

be. How they dress and make a statement about themselves is crucial

at this stage of development, because in the absence of knowing, they

will at least try to look like they do know.

So how do we develop a sense of self and a sense of worth? I think

it’s by trial and error. Knowing is not conferred; it is earned

through experience after experience. And you must know what doesn’t

fit for you as well as what does. The way you know, at any age, is

when your instinct says, “Nope, not for me,” or “Yup, feels right.”

It’s crucial to figuring out how you are, what your values are, where

your integrity lies.

I want your daughters and mine to have good self-esteem. I want

them to learn that they are valued and valuable because of who they

are, not because of what their bodies look like. I want them to prize

their intellectual capabilities, the strength and healthy prowess of

their bodies, their opinions and values and what they hold dear,

their ability to be kind and compassionate to others and themselves,

their willingness to care for those they love and to do the right

thing for the right reasons. I could go on and on.

This is self-esteem. To know who you are, to honor that, and to

act in accordance with it. To be able to disappoint others and be

disappointed and still feel solid and lovable. To not always be

looking for other people’s approval and adjusting your behavior

accordingly.

But after all, we do live in Southern California. This is home

base for the body beautiful, for hot-pink bras that showcase large,

enhanced breasts and display cleavage for all to see under low-cut

T-shirts. And you know what? If you’re not a kid anymore, and you

know who you are, and that’s what fits for you, then so be it. But if

it doesn’t, then so be that too.

* MAXINE COHEN is a Corona del Mar resident and marriage and

family therapist practicing in Newport Beach. She can be reached at

maxinecohen@adelphia.net or at (949) 644-6435.