More reflections on burgeoning self-esteem

MAXINE COHEN

My column, “Self-esteem is more than window dressing,” on Aug. 13 was

about the development of self-esteem in our daughters and how that

was being undermined by an advertising slogan I saw at The Gap.

Apparently, this struck a chord in the community because I

received several e-mails from readers. I’d like to print those

comments and talk about how self-esteem is developed, but first I’m

going to recap so everyone is on the same page.

One of the display windows for The Gap at Crystal Cove Promenade

is filled with a huge picture of a woman’s full breasts and her

cleavage in a skimpy, hot pink low-cut bra. No head, no lower body,

just her breasts. Written on the window in big letters is: “Reveal

how you feel.”

This is a double entendre: it has two meanings. One is: Let people

know what your feelings are. The other is: Show him how good you’re

going to feel when he touches you.

I think this is in bad taste and shows exceedingly poor judgment,

and I am offended by it.

The Gap markets mostly to young girls, middle school, high school

and college students.

Mostly, a girl’s body is just starting to develop at 12 years old

and will not be fully mature until she is well into her teens. So,

here is The Gap telling young girls -- at a time when they are just

developing their sense of self and are most impressionable -- to see

themselves as sex objects. It doesn’t matter if you’re smart or

athletic; the way to be socially desirable and cool, especially with

the guys, is to be well-endowed and show it off.

If this is what girls end up valuing about themselves, what they

get is a recipe for low self-esteem, not popularity.

P.D., a reader from Corona del Mar, e-mailed me this: “As a former

teacher of Project Self-Esteem in the Newport area, I loved your

explanation of what it means and that it deals with values and

integrity. I am the mother of three daughters and two sons and the

grandmother of two boys and six girls. My children have complained

that they have to search for age-appropriate clothing for their

children. I am outraged about the inappropriate sexualization of our

children. I think it is covert child abuse. Public statements such as

you made this morning are desperately needed. Some young women need a

compass point. I hope many read this column.”

And M.B. of Newport Beach wrote: “Thank you for your wonderful

article on self-esteem ... There is too much influence toward sex in

the way girls are dressing today. I am forwarding your article to my

daughter who ... is a Girl Scout leader. She is always reminding them

that good self-esteem, morals and your values are what is really

important, over who is most popular. Keep up the good work!”

And M.B.’s daughter L.G. of Seal Beach wrote this: “Wow! That is

powerful stuff, and I really appreciate your words. As the mother of

an 11-year-old entering middle school and the sixth grade and as a

Girl Scout leader to 12 other girls just like her, I will be eagerly

sharing your article with others. Thanks for putting the words out

there for others to see. I place values as the highest priority with

my Girl Scouts, and it is so empowering to see that others share my

view. Gives me hope to keep up the fight!”

Many thanks to all of you.

So, what is self-esteem and how do you develop it?

Self-esteem is about having a sense of self and a sense of your

own worth. It’s about feeling solid in a place deep inside of you

that supports and guides you and lets you know you’re OK. It’s about

knowing what you believe in and what your values are and being able

to stand behind them, which builds a cohesive sense of integrity.

It’s about doing the right thing for the right reasons. It’s about

not betraying your values just to be popular and part of the group.

This is all well and good, but how do you develop a sense of self? I

believe that we all have within us the capacity to do this. We do it

by trial and error. By learning from one experience after another,

because if you pay attention you will develop the ability to hear

your inner voice.

I think most of us have had the experience of having a gut feeling

-- a sense in your belly that something is either right for you or

wrong for you. It’s a visceral sense, a feeling that conveys a sense

of knowing. If you listen, you will hear it. And if you follow it,

you will figure out how you are, what you hold dear, and where your

integrity lies.

The image that conveys this well, I think, is a small boat, out on

the ocean, and a storm comes up. The waters rise and become

turbulent. Big waves crash into the boat and high winds toss it

around. Without self-esteem, your boat is going to capsize. With

self-esteem, it may be a difficult journey through rough waters, but

your boat will remain afloat.

A good way to think about it and a pretty apt metaphor for Newport

Beach.

* MAXINE COHEN is a Corona del Mar resident and marriage and

family therapist practicing in Newport Beach. She can be reached at

maxinecohen@adelphia.net or at (949) 644-6435.