Power of the pen a mighty one with children

SUE CLARK

In his column Saturday, “Already ready for back-to-school,” Steve

Smith gave parents of school-aged kids some advice on how to handle

those first few weeks of school. I’d like to add another powerful

parenting technique -- interactive journaling. I learned this

technique from my daughter’s second-grade teacher at Newport Heights

Elementary school 15 years ago, and it still works well with kids.

Like all good parenting techniques, this one takes time and

effort. You and your child write back and forth to each other in a

journal left in a confidential place. It works for school-compliant

kids, as well as the rebels.

I remember one young man with a terrible background and an

uncertain past, who began to journal with me after I’d gained his

trust.

Mike had come to us from Santa Ana, dressed in current “thug”

fashion, with a shaved head, large white T-shirt and big, saggy pants

with white socks. We were talking about his future rap career, while

waiting for his mom to pick him up. Like many continuation school

kids, he didn’t have a car, but wanted one desperately.

“I’m pretty deep,” he said. “I write songs, and that’s how I’m

gonna get respect and the big bucks. Cause I gotta be me. And I gots

to be free.” His gaze wandered from me to the parking lot, checking

for his mom’s car.

I wondered if he knew me well enough to open up.

“Sing me some of your lyrics,” I said.

Surprisingly he did, and he was able to rhyme quickly, while

making the usual points would-be gangsters make, involving violence,

dying young, getting his “props” (i.e., respect). Although repelled

by the content, I was entertained by how well he could rap.

Like the nerd I’m proud to be, I launched into my own rap,

something like: “I must be blind, you are one of a kind.”

He looked pained, as my daughter does when I try to be cool and

fail. I started laughing and trying to rap more with him, but each

time, he easily one-upped me.

“Chill, chill, chill, Miss Sue,” he said, trying to stop my

“music.” I’m pretty sure he wanted me to keep my day job.

After assuring him I’d give him some extra-credit points in

English for the writing, he agreed to try journaling with me.

We’ve become fellow writers. In fact, I was registering kids at

school last week, and he brought me two journals he’d written over

the summer.

“You’ve made an impact on his life,” his mom said.

I told her I just opened the door to his writing.

It’s not the journaling itself that is so especially powerful,

although it’s good for the students to write at any time. It’s the

interaction with an adult, who writes back. It’s almost effortlessly

influential. With the wanna-be gangbangers, I can encourage them to

take the right path. Mike wrote about his little brother. He wrote

that he could see this younger boy turning into him, clothing and

all. We wrote about what kind of dad he wanted to be if he had his

own kids. We discussed his respect for his hardworking young mother.

He shared a Mother’s Day poem he’d written -- a clumsy attempt to

show his love. “You are beautiful as a puppy without rabies. I thank

you for having us babies,” he wrote, trapped by rhyme. I can usually

spot the students who already keep diaries. Often it’s the

hipster-type kids dressed in serious black, with pale complexions and

lots of body piercing. But the kids who’ve been moved by anxious

parents out of the gang life in other cities often have very

sensitive hearts and like to write poetry.

Whoever they are, I try to establish a journaling relationship,

build up their confidence and give them the respect of really reading

what they say. I don’t correct spelling, grammar or style. They

simply get to experience the power of the pen.

I was on the elliptical trainer at 24 Hour Fitness this morning,

and the mother of a boy who’d gone to Newport Heights Elementary with

my daughter stopped by.

She said her son kept the journals I’d written with him.

I remembered then that the journaling idea had come to me from the

staff at Newport Heights. We parents each were given two or three

kids a year to journal with. It was tiring sometimes, but we’d made

the commitment, and so we made the time to write back every week to

our young journal buddies.

The mother paused thoughtfully. “You don’t have any idea how much

you helped him in those journals. He was going through a lot, and he

needed you. He has those journals on a shelf where he keeps his most

precious mementos.”

I had tears in my eyes. This young man is now 21, and we’d written

these journals when he was around 8.

I’d suggest journaling for parents who want to have a special

communication with your children. Leave a big notebook lying around,

and write to your child. Tell him or her to write back whenever he or

she feels like it. It’s a lot safer to discuss sensitive issues in a

journal sometimes, than face to face.

But please -- don’t depend on e-mails. The art of being a journal

buddy demands a real live pen. Like many good things, it takes time,

but the results are powerful.

* SUE CLARK is a Costa Mesa resident and a high school guidance

counselor at Creekside High School in Irvine.