A citizen’s guide to the ballot box

PETER BUFFA

What to do, what to do. I just don’t know. I’m in a quandary, which

is like a tizzy but not quite.

Normally, the “Official Peter B. Election Handbook” is released to

the public (that’s you) on the Sunday before Election Day -- i.e.,

next Sunday. But, as luck would have it, next Sunday is also

Halloween, which is my favorite holiday, although that could be

Groundhog Day, but we’ll sort that out later.

I say we go with the Election Handbook today and save Halloween

for next week, unless something stunning happens in the campaign,

like someone says something interesting, which isn’t likely. Ready?

Grab a pencil and your ballot, and it will all become clear. It’s

called the Peter B. Election Handbook, and it’s everything you’ve

ever wanted to know about politics but we’re too disgusted to ask.

Study it, refer to it, never enter the voting booth without it.

Some bedtime reading

First, set aside a few quiet moments between now and Election Day

to look over the mountain of campaign mail we all love to get.

Campaign mail is very important. It is a treasure trove of

information. Every conceivable thing you need to know about who is

running and what’s being proposed can be found somewhere in that

morass of glossy brochures.

It’s all true, every word of it. It has to be. People can’t just

lie. The law wouldn’t allow it. The candidates? Please. It’s a

no-brainer. Just make sure you vote for the person who wants to

“protect the environment” and our “quality of life” and is an

“outsider” who can’t stand “politics” and “politicians.”

Funny, no? Politics is the only job for which a complete and total

lack of experience is a big plus.

Beyond that, it is just a matter of party affiliation. If you’re a

Republican, make sure you only vote for Republicans who are “tax

fighters,” “against big government” and “tough on crime.” Oh, they

also have to want to “keep America strong.”

If you’re a Democrat, only vote for Democrats who will fight “for

the people,” stand up against “big business and the wealthy,” will

“protect the environment, oh, and promise to “keep America strong.”

Big business is especially dangerous. Think how much better off

we’d be if there were no car companies or airlines or computer

manufacturers or retailers. We need someone who will put a stop to

all that.

Oh, and wealthy people. They’re bad too. Check your Handbook. And

try to only vote for Democrats who will “solve the health care

crisis” and provide “universal health care.” That is really

important. It means every man, woman and child in the country gets

lifetime health care. But here’s the amazing part ... they get it for

free! Nobody pays for it. Nobody. How cool is that?

Racetracks and casinos, oh my!

Ballot initiatives used to be really confusing. Now they’re really

simple, like Proposition 60A, “Surplus Property Legislative

Constitutional Amendment,” which says: “Sale proceeds of most surplus

state property pay off specified bonds. Fiscal Impact: Net savings

over the longer term, potentially low tens of millions of dollars,

from accelerated repayment of existing bonds.” I know that’s an

overly simple example, but on that one I would say just vote what

your heart tells you.

On the rest of them, vote against anything that “bureaucrats,”

“politicians” or “special interests” want. School issues? Another

no-brainer. Just vote for the ones that “help our kids” ... and

against the ones that “hurt our kids.” Could this be any simpler? I

don’t see how. There are not one but two propositions on Indian

casinos on the ballot this year -- Proposition 68 and Proposition 70.

Talk about important stuff! Proposition 70, backed by the Indian

casinos, would grant a 99-year license -- yes, that’s 99 years as in

“one year shy of a century” -- to tribal casinos, and remove all

limits on the number of slots and types of games they can run. In

return, they’ll pay a percentage of their revenue that equals the

prevailing state corporate tax rate, about 9% these days.

Proposition 68, which is backed by everyone in the gambling

business except Indian casinos, says that the casinos should pay 25%

of their revenues to the state. If they refuse, slot machines and

gambling operations would be allowed in California other than just on

Indian reservations. In other words, that endless barrage of

commercials for propositions 68 and 70 is really a catfight between

racetrack operators and casino operators.

Let me ask you, how often do you go to an Indian casino? Better

yet, have you ever stepped inside an Indian casino? In fact, other

than passing one on a freeway, would you know Indian casinos even

exist? See? That’s why people love politics the way they do. With

everything going on at home and around the world today, millions of

California voters now have to decide whether tribes should contribute

a percentage of their net gaming income in exchange for expanded

tribal casino gaming.

Remember some great words

OK, let’s get to the big one -- the one that comes with a white

house, an oval office and a very cool rug with an eagle on it.

In some elections, picking a president is a tough decision. But

this year, it’s a piece of cake. Never has it been easier to choose

between two people who want to become the leader of the most powerful

nation on the face of the earth. It’s so obvious. Some of you have

been too focused on issues. You’re being silly. Presidential

campaigns are not about minutiae like war, peace and the economy.

There is one issue and one issue only that matters -- prescription

drugs.

Never mind that the president has about as much influence over the

price of prescription drugs as I do. That’s not the point. If you

study the career of any great president -- Jefferson, Lincoln, FDR,

Reagan -- the one theme that comes up again and again is prescription

drugs.

In fact, I think it was FDR who said, “We have nothing to fear but

the price of Plavix itself.”

Check your Handbook. It’s all there. Vote early and vote often.

I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs

Sundays. He may be reached by e-mail at ptrb4@aol.com.