Narcissistic customer sours sweetest goods

MAXINE COHEN

Most Saturday mornings, I walk my dog, Maggie, to the Farmer’s Market

on the corner of Marguerite and Coast Highway. Actually, to be

accurate, she takes me. I can’t figure out how she knows it’s market

day (how can the aromas waft all those blocks to my house?), but on

Saturdays, she bolts right out the gate and off we go, with her

pulling on the leash to get there faster.

Now, this is a good Farmer’s Market. Produce is fresh and tastes

great, but it is not a bargain. An upscale market in this town, which

shall remain nameless, is selling heirloom tomatoes at 50 cents less

per pound. So, I decided to do a taste test to see if this was really

worth it. I bought some corn and tomatoes at the Farmer’s Market and

some at another upscale market that shall remain nameless. I enlisted

the help of my daughter. I closed my eyes and she fed me, first one

and then the other. It was clear as a bell. The Farmer’s produce was

far and above more flavorful. OK, I’m sold!

My first stop is the Old Town Baking Co. I like their sourdough

bread and nuts. My next stop is the produce stand on the left, where

this old man, all by himself, works like a fiend to handle all the

customers. There is usually a line.

This particular day, I had picked out what I wanted and was

waiting in line to pay. A pretty young woman two people ahead of me

wanted a yellow watermelon, but the man had only red ones wrapped and

sitting out, ready to go. He hurried into his truck to get one. He

sliced it open, gave her a little sliver to taste and approve, which

she did, and he began to wrap it up.

“Oh no,” she said sweetly, “would you cut the fruit off the rind

please?”

He took his knife and, with one long stroke, neatly separated the

two.

He began to wrap it up.

“Oh no,” she giggled, “I don’t want the rind. I just want the

fruit.”

The line was quite long by now, and I was feeling annoyed and

impatient. Let it go, Max, I said to myself. So what if it’s taking

forever. What’s the big rush anyway? But I couldn’t let it go.

“Do you gift-wrap, too?” I quipped, trying to contain my

irritation. She laughed.

The woman behind me chimed right in: “Yeah, this isn’t Bristol

Farms.”

Right on, sister!

The young woman laughed again and shrugged. Oh well, she seemed to

say, this is what I want and this is how I want it. I’ll be done in a

few minutes. All of you can wait.

She finally got her watermelon just the way she wanted it, paid

for it, and was about to leave when, oops, she remembered she’d

forgotten the mushrooms. She took her time looking among the

pre-packaged ones. I held my breath, but she picked one out, paid for

it and finally left.

I could feel us all breathe a collective sigh of relief.

So what’s with this little lady and this behavior? She didn’t seem

to understand that she was taking a lot of time to have wants met

that were inappropriate for the setting, and that people were

waiting. She didn’t apologize, try to hurry or seem the least bit

concerned.

Now, I don’t know this lady, so I’m just guessing -- an educated

guess for sure -- but I’d say she exhibits a particular personality

type called narcissistic. Remember the Greek God Narcissus, who fell

in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water? Well, that’s

pretty much it in a nutshell.

But to flesh it out, our watermelon shopper appears to have a

strong sense of entitlement. She deserves to have what she wants in

the way she wants it, and others should defer to her because she is

so important. She doesn’t understand at some basic level that the

wants and feelings of others that don’t match up with hers are

nonetheless real for them, and so she lacks empathy and may even

exploit others without knowing it. So, it’s not a matter of “me

first, and then I’ll be able to tend to you.” Oh no. It’s a matter of

“me and me and me some more!”

This young lady is grandiose. She expects others to see her as

special and cater to her because she doesn’t understand that others

could see her differently than she sees herself, or that there could

be any validity to their view if they do.

And if they do, she is likely to fall apart inside. Her sense of

self-esteem is fragile and maintained by her excessive need for

admiration. Unless she is constantly attended to and reflected by

others in the way she sees herself, she is unable to maintain the

image of herself that sustains her.

We all know people like this. You just have to hope that you’re

not in an important relationship with one of them. It would be way

too hard, because if you hang in and try to impress on her that your

wants and feelings are real and she needs to attend to them, she will

most likely feel injured. How dare you treat her so badly! She will

defend herself with rage and keep at you, hammering her viewpoint

home, until you acquiesce because you just can’t stand it anymore.

Not a pleasant prospect.

So, I tell ya, I sure do like that Farmer’s Market, but I think

I’ll take the watermelon with the red meat, thank you, and I’ll cut

it off the rind myself when I get home.

* MAXINE COHEN is a Corona del Mar resident and marriage and

family therapist practicing in Newport Beach. She can be reached at

maxinecohen@adelphia.net or at (949) 644-6435.