Attack of the squishy giant squid

PETER BUFFA

Sorry, the new pic’s not quite ready. Deliberations are ongoing.

Maybe next week. We’ve narrowed it down to one where I look like I’m

being electrocuted, and one where I look like an Italian Marty

Feldman.

Anyway, you’ve probably heard about them by now. They’re big and

squishy and pink and red, with big black eyes and really long

tentacles. No, not telemarketers. Giant squid.

The first of them turned up about 10 days ago on the beach at

Crystal Cove -- some three dozen giant squid, about two feet long and

between 10 and 20 pounds. Within days, they were coming fast and

thick and squishy -- about 1,500 of them, which is a lot, strewn

along the beaches in Laguna and Newport.

The squid story got ink across the country, with a lot of

references to Orange County and “the attack of the giant squid,”

which would have made a great 1950s horror flick now that I think of

it. I would go with Richard Carlson as the police chief and Kevin

McCarthy as the college professor who saves Newport Beach because

he’s the only person in the world who knows that the only thing that

can stop giant squid is radio waves and bleach. And maybe Carolyn

Jones as his girlfriend, whom you think has been eaten by a giant

squid when the scene fades to black, but it turns out she’s just

unconscious in a cave somewhere.

Actually, I’m surprised there isn’t something in the film archives

about a giant squid attack, considering there’s “Attack of the Killer

Tomatoes” (1978); “Attack of the Giant Leeches” (1958); “Attack of

the 50-Foot Woman” (1958) and the excellent 1993 re-make with Darryl

Hannah, which was itself parodied in “Attack of the 50-Foot Chihuahua

from Outer Space” (1998); “Attack of the Crab Monsters” (1957), not

to be confused with “Attack of the Bat Monsters” (2000); “Attack of

the Red Neck Mutants (1986); and “Attack of the Killer Refrigerator

(1990), which I can’t believe I missed -- to name just a few. With

all that, Hollywood couldn’t make time for a one measly little squid

attack film? Ridiculous. I did find “Beany and Cecil Meet Billy the

Squid” (1959), but that doesn’t sound very scary.

Be that as it may, the giant squid washing up on our beaches of

late are properly called “Humboldt squid.” Does that mean they’re

from Northern California? Did they go to Humboldt State? They did

not. According to squid-ologists, these particular squid came from

South America, and boy are their tentacles tired.

Humboldt squid are named for the “Humboldt current,” which I

assume was named for someone named Humboldt, and which runs along the

western coast of South America. At two to three feet, most of the

recent arrivals are your garden variety Humboldt squid, although the

biggest of them can grow to be six feet long and weigh up to 100

pounds.

But even the largest Humboldt squid are shrimps compared to the

species of squid called “mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni,” which I assume

were named for someone called Mesonychoteuthis. Those cruiser class

squid, sometimes called “colossal squid,” are very rarely seen and

can grow upwards of 25 feet and weigh hundreds of pounds. Now that is

a squid. Those bad boys, by the way, were the source of various

claims of “sea monsters” by mariners long ago and far away. When

you’re in a 50-foot boat in the open ocean in 1595 and a 30-foot

squid crosses your bow, it makes a lasting impression.

How terribly interesting, but what were giant Humboldt squid doing

here in the first place? It’s a long way to Tipperary, but South

America is no cakewalk either.

Some experts think the squiggly creatures are roaming farther and

farther from home because a lot of the things that just love eating

them, like sharks and swordfish, are being so heavily fished along

the coasts of South and North America. As far as why they washed up

at our door, one possibility is that a large gaggle of squid was

chasing some bait fish and got too close to shore and caught in a

high tide.

No matter how they got here, cleaning them up is a real mess, as

the city’s lifeguards have found out. Picking up one of these things

is like picking up a 50-pound bag of Jello that’s been sprayed with

PAM. Now try doing that a thousand times.

“I have heard of this happening before, but it’s not a common

occurrence,” said Newport Beach Lifeguard Capt. Eric Bauer, who

advised people not to touch them.

“They probably have bacteria on them at this point,” said Bauer.

That shouldn’t be a problem, Eric. Something tells me there’s not

going to be too much of a rush to run down to the beach and touch the

big, dead squid.

“I would prefer picking up seaweed instead of these squid because

even dead, they squirt you with ink,” Newport Beach maintenance

director Dave Niederhaus said.

I can totally understand that.

Don’t get me wrong. I am a major squid-o-phile -- the small

version, that is -- as in, calamari. Fry it, filet and saute it, or

“Fra Diavolo” over linguine, I just can’t get enough. But I draw the

line when a squid from South America that weighs a quarter of what I

do shows up, flops onto a local beach and says “Hola!”

So there you have it, “The Attack of the Giant Squid,” available

on DVD on February 15. Maybe. And if you see one in the meantime --

don’t touch it.

I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs

Sundays. He may be reached by e-mail at ptrb4@aol.com.