Making a mountain out of a couch

MAXINE COHEN

When is a couch not a couch?

No, this is not a koan (or a Cohen -- ha ha), nor have I turned

into Houdini.

There is an answer, so let me back up.

Over the holidays, my daughter, Carolyn, asked if her friend,

Deirdre, could come home with her as she had no family to celebrate

with. Despite my misgivings, I said yes. The thought of anyone being

alone was just too sad for any other answer. But I knew I’d get to

spend less time with Carolyn, whom I don’t get to see very often, and

I don’t have enough beds to accommodate everyone. I figured it’d just

have to work itself out.

So they came. And like a good hostess, Carolyn took care to show

Deirdre a good time. Instead of us cooking together, they were out

biking. Instead of us hanging out, they were at the beach. Instead of

... you get the picture. Just as I’d predicted, I saw way less of

Carolyn, and I felt sad.

As nighttime came, we were one bed short. Carolyn decided that

Deirdre could sleep on the living room couch, but being my child, she

knew she’d better check that one out with me.

True to form, I was not thrilled. I don’t like people sleeping all

over the place.

“I’m gonna have to think about it,” I said, “I’m not dead set

against it, but it’s not really OK with me either. See what else you

can think up.”

So they devised a fallback plan. They’d sleep at her sister

Barbara’s apartment. Fine with me.

It was settled. Or so I thought.

The next thing I knew, Barbara had gone home, and Carolyn was

pulling the cushions off the couch to make it into a bed.

Not so fast!

“What are you doing? I didn’t agree to this.”

Well, seems Barbara kind of took off before they’d, like, made a

plan to go with her. Duh?

I was upset. It wasn’t so much about the couch as it was about me

and my wishes not being a priority and my boundaries not being

respected. Carolyn was putting her friend’s needs before mine, yet

again. It felt like I was being marched right over, and rarely do I

take that well.

Carolyn was upset, too. After all, it is just a couch, and I would

survive the mess. She thought I should understand her desire to take

care of her friend and that I needed to be way more flexible.

So this is when a couch is not just a couch -- when it means

different things to different people.

Perception determines reality. If you stay in the right and wrong

of whether it’s OK to sleep on a couch, you’ll stay stuck there

forever. You have to get below the surface and out of the content --

the couch, garbage, children, in-laws, money, sex -- to the needs,

wants and feelings that aren’t being acknowledged. If you can then

see it from the other person’s perspective, too, then you create the

possibility for understanding and resolution.

From growing up in my house and living under my rules, Carolyn

understood only too well how I want to be treated and what my

boundaries are. And I understood how rigid I can be at times and what

it meant to Carolyn to be able to take good care of her friend.

Yes, she was upset with me. And yes, I was upset with her. But we

were able to let it go, barely discussed it, because we both knew and

were OK with what it meant to the other person.

Now that’s a real milestone for our relationship, which may mean

that the couch has yet another meaning: Carolyn and Mom can at times

understand each other well enough to let go without making a federal

case of it.

Now that’s a couch I like!

* MAXINE COHEN is a Corona del Mar resident and marriage and

family therapist practicing in Newport Beach. She can be reached at

maxinecohen@

adelphia.net or at (949) 644-6435.