Hooray for the Oscars

PETER BUFFA

“Hooray for Hollywood ... Come on, everybody ... Hooray for

Hollywood, that screwy bally-hooey Hollywood, where any office boy or

young mechanic can be a panic ... “

Whenever you hear that song, you know it is time once again for

the Annual “P. Buffa-Oh-My-God-How-Does- He-Know-That” Oscar Picks.

Tonight is Hollywood’s night of nights, and about 1.5 billion

people around the world will be watching. About 1.496 billion of them

will have to wait until then to get the news, the scoop, the skinny,

the score. But you, you lucky sailors you, are just minutes away from

knowing who goes home with a Little Nude Gold Guy tonight, who

doesn’t and why.

I hate to whimper and whine right off the bat, but this is a tough

year. Academy voters like blockbuster films that make big money.

These days, $100 million is the brass ring that a film needs to grab

to be called a blockbuster. The only Best Pic contender close to the

magic number is “The Aviator,” which is crawling to the finish line

on all fours at just under $90 million.

And with no monster hits in the running, there are strange things

done ‘neath the Sunset Boulevard sun. The envelopes, please.

The nominees for Best Actress in a Supporting Role are: Cate

Blanchett, “The Aviator;” Laura Linney, “Kinsey;” Virginia Madsen,

“Sideways;” Sophie Okonedo, “Hotel Rwanda;” Natalie Portman,

“Closer.”

This category is scary-strong this year. Any of these girls can

hit the ball about 323 yards right down the center, every time they

tee it up. Cate as Kate in “The Aviator” was stunning. In fact, I

thought she stole the show. And is there anything left to say about

Laura Linney? Not that I know of. She is what is known in Maine as

“wicked good,” which is a lot like “awesome.”

And the winner is: Laura Linney, “Kinsey.”

The nominees for Best Actor in a Supporting Role are: Alan Alda,

“The Aviator;” Thomas Haden Church, “Sideways;” Jamie Foxx,

“Collateral;” Morgan Freeman, “Million Dollar Baby;” Clive Owen,

“Closer.”

Jamie Foxx was outstanding in “Collateral,” but Oscar has other

plans in mind for him tonight. And do you know what makes an actor so

frustrated he just wants to scream? Finally being nominated for an

Oscar -- then having to compete with Morgan Freeman. It just isn’t

fair, I tell you. It also doesn’t hurt that Morgan has one of the

great stand-up-and-cheer-moments in film history in “Baby.”

And the winner is: Morgan Freeman, “Million Dollar Baby.” By the

way, I’ll have an interesting story for you about Morgan Freeman and

my wife next week. I even have pictures.

The nominees for Best Actress are: Annette Bening, “Being Julia;”

Catalina Sandino Moreno, “Maria Full of Grace;” Imelda Staunton,

“Vera Drake;” Hilary Swank, “Million Dollar Baby;” Kate Winslet,

“Eternal Sunshine Spotless Mind.”

Yikes. This is another category where beginners need not apply.

You’ve heard all about the “rematch” between Annette Bening and the

million-dollar baby herself, Hillary Swank. Bening turns in a tour de

force in “Being Julia,” but 11 people saw it. If you haven’t seen

“Baby” yet, Hillary Swank’s performance will work you and your heart

over like a speed bag. Stunning is not the word.

There is a slight chance that if the voters are hopelessly

deadlocked between Bening and Swank, Imelda Staunton as “Vera Drake”

will slip between them and take it all. But in politics and the

Oscars, momentum is worth its weight in gold, and right now, it’s all

Hillary, all the time.

And the winner is: Hillary Swank, “Million Dollar Baby.”

The nominees for Best Actor are: Don Cheadle, “Hotel Rwanda;”

Johnny Depp, “Finding Neverland;” Leonardo DiCaprio, “The Aviator;”

Clint Eastwood, “Million Dollar Baby;” Jamie Foxx, “Ray.”

This one is too easy. Momentum? I’ll give you momentum. Jamie Foxx

isn’t a favorite. He is a juggernaut. He is a glacier on the move, a

supertanker at 40 knots, Mount St. Helens about to pop. And he

deserves it. “Ray” is a knockout in every sense of the word and Jamie

Foxx will leave you speechless. Being a rabid Ray Charles fan, I

would have loved it for the music alone and frankly didn’t expect

much from the film. But good golly, Miss Molly -- wait, that was

Little Richard -- was I ever wrong.

My wife, of course, believes that Johnny Depp should win. But then

again, her idea for “Best Picture” is three hours of pictures of

Johnny Depp set to soft music.

And the winner is: forget it. You know who the winner is. Like,

hit the road, Jack.

The nominees for Best Director are: Martin Scorsese, “The

Aviator;” Clint Eastwood, “Million Dollar Baby;” Taylor Hackford,

“Ray;” Alexander Payne, “Sideways;” Mike Leigh, “Vera Drake.”

Poor Martin Scorsese. He may be the greatest living director with

four Best Director nominations, including “Raging Bull,” but he still

can’t buy an Oscar. Marty is just not a Hollywood guy. He is the

consummate New Yorker and would rather eat a bug than play Hollywood

politics. Clint, on the other hand, is a creature of Hollywood

through and through. Clint loves Hollywood, they love Clint, and he

loves them for loving him.

That’s a lot of love, babe, and that’s also why the winner is:

Clint Eastwood, “Million Dollar Baby.”

The nominees for Best Picture are: “The Aviator;” “Finding

Neverland;” “Million Dollar Baby;” “Ray;” “Sideways.”

Wow. Again, this is tricky, with no one film that audiences are

tripping over each other to see. In any other year, you’d have to say

“The Aviator” -- a big, brash epic about an American legend -- would

walk away with it. But, ironically, there was another American legend

in the news recently, named Ray Charles, who said, “Bye bye love, bye

bye happiness, hello loneliness ... I feel like I could die,” and

then he did. Never underestimate the power of the sympathy vote.

So here’s my take. “Million Dollar Baby” and “The Aviator” cancel

each other out. “Finding Neverland” was wonderful, but 18 people saw

it, and “Sideways” was fun but way too small a picture to be the

Best. So unless my math fails me, that means, the winner is: “Ray.”

So, there you have it. Am I always right about Oscar? Of course

not. Only 93.6% of the time. Is that really true? Of course not. But

who in their right mind would save anything I write? It’s perfect.

You’re the best, don’t ever change, let’s do lunch, have your

people call my people, and remember, never ever work with kids or

animals. I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs

Sundays. He may be reached by e-mail at ptrb4@aol.com.