When coolness trumps kindness

Karen K. Redding

Many people feel fortunate to live in Laguna Beach, not only because

of its charm and beauty, but because of its progressive and tolerant

attitudes toward the gay population, which is a visible part of our

community. So why do we even need to bring up gay issues in our

public schools rather than simply having a no-bullying standard?

Because, according to Chet Wilson, a recent graduate of Laguna

Beach High School, kids who don’t fit traditional gender stereotypes

often get bullied about how they look or about who their friends are.

This recent graduate shared that five of his gay friends have

committed suicide before turning 21.

“When you hear kids say, ‘Smear the queer,’ it’s hurtful even when

you know that kids don’t mean it,” he said.

The purpose of this month’s Coffee Break program for parents was

to give parents strategies for talking about gay issues with their

kindergarten to high-school-aged children in a way that accepts and

embraces the diversity around them.

According to Judith Anderson, a Laguna Beach parent and Chair of

the Coffee Break committee, the notion of ‘emotional intelligence’ is

more of a predictor for success than intellectual intelligence.

Emotional intelligence requires the ability to connect to a wide

array of people. Even though Laguna is considered ‘gay friendly’,

there is prevalence of discriminatory language, particularly in

middle school.

Kids frequently say, “That’s so gay” and use other worse

languagewithout thinking twice about it. Parents squirm with racial

slurs, yet turn a blind eye toward references to being gay.

According to Sharon Seidman, a professor of child and adolescent

studies at Cal State Fullerton, the biggest reason people don’t talk

about the gay issue is because they don’t know how. Parents need to

start with themselves. It’s not about one’s personal opinions or

beliefs, but more about being kind, being considerate, and not

interfering with the rights of others.

So how does this overall message translate into talking to

children in different age groups? You look for teachable moments.

According to the research, kids report hearing gay and lesbian

terms in a negative way from as early as kindergarten. The only way

of preventing it is to address it.

Young children in kindergarten through third or fourth grades

don’t need a lot of details. Messages like: “What a person looks like

does not have to predict their activities.”

Girls can play water polo. Boys can wear pink. We don’t have to be

limited by our choices. Differences are OK.

It’s not cool or OK to say, “That’s so gay.” Start at the child’s

level of understanding. Do they know what the term means? A teachable

moment is one where a young child might be informed that not all

families are the same. There are some families that are different --

with two moms or two dads.

Kids in middle school can start engaging with concepts of

prejudice and stereotyping. Teachable moments include listening for

assumptions that kids are making and delivering the message that

making assumptions about people is a bad approach to living in the

world.

Valerie Wilson, a teacher and panel participant, has two signs on

her classroom wall. One says “That’s so gay” with a circle and line

drawn through it. The other says, “That’s retarded” -- again with the

circle and line drawn through it.

She makes comments like this strictly taboo, suggesting that’s not

OK to say here in school because these kinds of words hurt feelings.

According to her, kids are often reluctant to confront the issue with

peers, feeling that they will be seen as “gay” by defending or

associating with gay issues.

“If everyone talks about it and demystifies the connotation, no

one gets labeled,” she stressed.

Freedom to speak about these issues openly and directly within the

public school setting is supported by the California Safety &

Violence Prevention Act of 2000. This law came about as a result of a

higher proportion of teen suicides among gay and lesbian students as

well as an attempt to prevent hate crimes. One in every three gay

people report overt discrimination that potentially threatens their

feelings of safety.

This law, despite one’s personal views about homosexuality, gives

teachers backup for encouraging fair and kind treatment and enforcing

it in the school environment.

Adolescents in high school can be informed that many things make

up our identity in the world. One’s gender and sexual orientation is

but one aspect of who we are. A teachable moment is when we can make

our adolescent more conscious of the negative and damaging effects of

their words. Instead of saying “that’s so gay,” one can say “that’s

so unfair” and focus on what really lies behind that communication.

We are protected by freedom of speech insofar as it does not

interfere with the rights of others. Name calling is a form of

discrimination. The only way to stop it is to become conscious of it.

Ultimately, we all want respect, friendship, and acceptance. Our

world is a richer place with diversity. Let’s learn and be together

with it, even when it appears different or frightens us.

* KAREN REDDING is a Laguna Beach parent.