Stumped by a galactic puzzler

PETER BUFFA

Do you get it? I don’t get it.

I understand the “long time ago” part, but aren’t all galaxies

except ours “far, far away”?

Yes, you little Earthling you, “Star Wars” mania is upon us once

again. The sixth and final episode of George Lucas’ intergalactic

soap opera was born Thursday morning across the country at the stroke

of midnight.

I will see it, eventually, and I’m sure it will be entertaining.

If you are any good at reading subtext, that tells you everything you

need to know about my standing in the “Star Wars” fan club. I am not

a card-carrying member.

It’s not that I don’t respect those who are. I do, totally.

Fantasy isn’t my cup of espresso, but as long as its devotees are

having fun, I’m all for it. Serious fans of fantasy -- “Star Wars,”

“Star Trek,” “The Lord of the Rings” -- take their fantasy very

seriously.

Aside from dressing up like their favorite character and knowing

every line from every episode, the true believers are caught up in

the philosophy of their particular saga, which is invariably a

classic struggle of good versus evil, with good prevailing sooner or

later.

I just happened to be at Fashion Island on Thursday morning --

much after the midnight release -- and made a point of driving by

Edwards Big Newport to see what I could see. The line was not

stunning but was pretty impressive for 10 a.m. on a weekday.

There were a few cosmically clad fans -- some of whom were

recognizable as “Star Wars” characters, some of whom were not

recognizable as anything I could recognize.

I suspect these were players but not superstars in the Fantasy Fan

League. I’m sure you’ve heard the stories of fans who have camped out

at various theaters for weeks to make sure they would be the first

through the door to see “Star Wars: Episode III -- Revenge of the

Sith.” That’s what this one is called, by the way.

“Star Wars” fans who specialize in lining up droid by droid even

have their own website: https://www.liningup.net.

The bell ringer is a man who set out his lawn chair and sleeping

bag outside a theater in the Midwest on New Year’s Day, and I am not

making that up. Can you imagine? I cannot.

If I have to wait in line for the next showing for anything more

than eight minutes, I grow sullen and bitter and kvetch endlessly

until even I can’t stand my whining. Now imagine spending 150 days in

a lawn chair and 150 nights in a sleeping bag on a sidewalk to be the

first through the door to see a movie. Now that’s a true believer.

But wait. It gets weirder.

Star Warriors started lining up at Grauman’s Chinese Theater in

Hollywood about three weeks ago. The original “Star Wars,” which was

called “Star Wars: Episode IV -- A New Hope,” opened at Grauman’s

Chinese in 1977, and the site is sacred ground for Star Warriors.

Only one problem. This week’s premiere wasn’t scheduled for

Grauman’s Chinese on Hollywood Boulevard -- but for the Cinerama Dome

on Sunset Boulevard about a mile away.

No matter. The “Star Wars” fans refused to move.

“We’ve heard all this before,” said super fan Sarah Sprague to

reporters.

Apparently, in 1999 and 2002, the years of the generally disliked

“Star Wars” sequels -- “The Phantom Menace” and “Attack of the

Clones” -- false rumors were spread that they weren’t going to

premiere at Grauman’s to discourage people from lining up early. But

both films did open at Grauman’s, as unadvertised, and the Star

Warriors never got over it.

Even after the premiere at the Cinerama Dome on Thursday, a few

die-hard fans remained sullenly in place at Grauman’s Chinese.

“This is the epicenter for ‘Star Wars’ fans,” said Sprague, “not

the Cinerama Dome.”

Actually, that’s part of what keeps my jets cool when it comes to

Jedi. For some reason, everything has to be really, really

complicated in the fantasy world. I guess it’s more fun that way.

When the first “Star Wars” broke out in 1977, I thought it was

just, well, “Star Wars.” Imagine my surprise when I found out it was

really “Episode IV -- A New Hope.”

What happened to episodes one, two and three? Don’t ask.

Three years later, in 1980, George of Modesto gave us “Episode V

-- The Empire Strikes Back,” and three years later, in 1983, “Episode

VI -- Return of the Jedi.”

OK. I can follow that.

Things must have really quieted down in that distant galaxy after

that, because 16 years went by before we got to “Episode I -- The

Phantom Menace” in 1999. So now we get “Episode I” -- 22 years after

“Episode IV”?

That brought us to “Episode II -- Attack of the Clones” in 2002,

and Thursday, “Episode III -- Revenge of the Sith.”

The Sith, by the way, are the antithesis of the Jedi knights,

a.k.a. the good guys. The Sith used to be good guys before they

crossed over to the Dark Side, where you can’t see a bloody thing.

Now all they can think about is making life miserable for Jedi

knights.

Speaking of galactic puzzles, if Yoda is the wisest little green

guy in the entire universe, why can’t he put a simple sentence

together?

“Decided later young Skywalker’s fate will be.”

“Much fear in you I sense, young one.”

Anyone who speaks like this have you known ever? Have neither I.

If you can explain what separates good from evil throughout

universe, how hard can it be to remember that it’s subject, then

verb, then object?

So there you have it. However strange you think the universe is,

if you hang with Luke, Yoda and Darth, it’s a lot stranger than that.

I’d like to end with a line from a classic “Star Wars” moment, but

I don’t know any. What a Sith.

I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs

Sundays. He may be reached by e-mail at ptrb4@aol.com.