A modest proposal for saving our schools

Tom McClintock

The multi-million dollar campaign paid by starving teachers’ unions

has finally placed our sadly neglected schools at the center of the

budget debate.

Across California, children are bringing home notes warning of

dire consequences if Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s scorched-earth

budget is approved -- a budget that slashes Proposition 98 public

school spending from $42.2 billion this year all the way down to

$44.7 billion next year. That should be proof enough that our math

programs are suffering.

As a public school parent, I have given this crisis a great deal

of thought and have a modest suggestion to help weather these dark

days.

Maybe -- as a temporary measure only -- we should spend our school

dollars on our schools. I realize that this is a radical departure

from current practice, but desperate times require desperate

measures.

The governor proposed spending $10,084 per student from all

sources. Devoting all of this money to the classroom would require

turning tens of thousands of school bureaucrats, consultants,

advisors and specialists onto the streets with no means of support or

marketable job skills, something that no enlightened social democracy

should allow.

So, I will begin by excluding from this discussion the entire

budget of the State Department of Education, as well as the pension

system, debt service, special education, child care, nutrition

programs and adult education. I also propose setting aside $3 billion

to pay an additional 30,000 school bureaucrats $100,000 per year (roughly the population of Monterey) with the proviso that they stay

away from the classroom and pay their own hotel bills at conferences.

This leaves a mere $6,937 per student, which, for the duration of

the funding crisis, I propose devoting to the classroom.

To illustrate how we might scrape by at this subsistence level,

let’s use a hypothetical school of 180 students with only $1.2

million to get through the year.

We have all seen the pictures of filthy bathrooms, leaky roofs,

peeling paint and crumbling plaster to which our children have been

condemned. I propose that we rescue them from this squalor by leasing

out luxury commercial office space. Our school will need 4,800 square

feet for five classrooms (the sixth class is gym). At $33 per foot,

an annual lease will cost $158,400.

This will provide executive washrooms, around-the-clock janitorial

service, wall-to-wall carpeting, utilities and music in the

elevators. We’ll also need new desks to preserve the professional

ambience.

Next, we’ll need to hire five teachers -- but not just any

teachers. I propose hiring only associate professors from the

California State University at their level of pay. Since university

professors generally assign more reading, we’ll need 12 of the latest edition, hardcover books for each student at an average $75 per book,

plus an extra $5 to have the student’s name engraved in gold leaf on

the cover.

Since our conventional gym classes haven’t stemmed the childhood

obesity epidemic, I propose replacing them with an annual membership

at a private health club for $39.95 per month. This would provide our

children with a trained and courteous staff of nutrition and fitness

counselors, aerobics classes and the latest in cardiovascular

training technology.

Finally, we’ll hire an $80,000 administrator with a $40,000

secretary because -- well, I don’t know exactly why, but we always

have.

Our bare-bones budget comes to this:

5 classrooms -- $158,400

150 desks at $130 -- $19,500

180 annual health club memberships at $480 -- $86,400

2,160 textbooks at $80 -- $172,800

5 Cal State associate professors at $67,093 -- $335,465

1 Administrator -- $80,000

1 Secretary -- $40,000

24% faculty and staff benefits -- $109,312

Offices, expenses and insurance $30,000

Total -- $1,031,877

This budget leaves a razor-thin reserve of just $216,703 or $1,204 per pupil, which can pay for necessities like paper, pencils,

personal computers and extra-curricular travel. After all, what’s the

point of taking four years of French if you can’t see Paris in the

spring?

The school I have just described is the school we’re paying for.

Maybe it’s time to ask why it’s not the school we’re getting.

Other, wiser, governors have made the prudent decision not to ask

such embarrassing questions of the education-industrial complex

because it makes them very angry. Apparently the unions believe that

with enough of a beating, Schwarzenegger will see things the same

way.

Perhaps. But there’s an old saying that you can’t fill a broken

bucket by pouring more water into it. Maybe it’s time to fix the

bucket.

* TOM MCCLINTOCK is a California state senator who announced his

plans last month to run for lieutenant governor at a meeting of the

Newport-based Principles over Politics.