In an episode of “The Simpsons,” a...

In an episode of “The Simpsons,” a Canadian Coast Guard officer gets

into a shouting match with his American counterparts. The hilariously

innocuous insults fly, culminating with the Canadian calling

Americans a bunch of “Shatner-stealing Mexico touchers.”

And with this, I have once again I found a way to parlay TV and

laziness into a dazzlingly insightful and indispensable column.

The Canadian character’s jab opens up a can of the very slimy and

slippery worms that are hyphenation. But that evil, infuriating,

impossible subject as a whole is more than I’m in the mood to take on

today. I could write books on the question of why a water-skier

water-skis on water skis -- and perhaps I will. The rules for

hyphenation are unclear, self-contradictory, arbitrary and cruel. But

within these rules lies a concept that helps not only with navigating

hyphenation but also with knowing when to choose between “every day”

and “everyday” and similar sets.

That concept is that of modifiers. As “The Simpsons” have yet to

air an episode that includes a definition of modifiers, I was forced

to get off the couch and look it up myself.

In the glossary of my “Oxford English Grammar” M section: nothin’.

I tried the index in my “Chicago Manual of Style.” Bupkis.

I scoured the Ms in the Associated Press Stylebook and “Garner’s

Modern American Usage.” Nada.

Modifiers, it appears, aren’t worth defining -- even though half

of these books contain listings for “compound modifiers.”

My dictionary’s idea of coming to the rescue is to tell me that a

modifier is “a person or thing that modifies.” Thanks a lot, Noah.

(Note to you: If you ever kick yourself for not knowing more about

grammar and style, if you assume that the failing is yours and not

the whole silly system’s, you can stop beating yourself up. The rule

makers and the “helpful” resources are more likely to blame.)

So, after all that, I’m afraid we’ll have to have to rely on my

own definition of “modifier,” which is based on a shady recollection

of some editor’s explanation years ago.

A modifier is basically an adjective or an adverb. And it’s the

key to knowing whether to use “everyday” versus “every day” and also

to understanding how to hyphenate “Shatner-stealing Mexico touchers.”

Whenever two words are working together to form an adjective, or less

commonly an adverb, this is a compound modifier. And compound

modifiers usually take hyphens. What’s more, compounds that have been

around for a long time sometimes evolve from two words into one.

“Everyday” is the quintessential example. “Backyard” is another. But

in both cases, the choice between one word or two is centered on

whether you’re using it as a modifier.

People think that because the word “everyday” appears in the

dictionary, it’s necessarily the correct choice over “every day.” Not

so. Repeat: Not so.

All the billboards and signs and print advertisements touting

“great values everyday” are wrong. These establishments may have

great everyday values, but they have them every day. Likewise, you

may have a backyard swimming pool, but it’s located in your back yard

(unless you’re following Los Angeles Times style; then it’s in your

backyard).

Back to hyphenation. In our Canadian’s example, “Shatner” and

“stealing” are working together to form an adjective, so the rule is

to hyphenate them. “Mexico” and “touchers” are working together to

form a noun, so no hyphen.

Two exceptions to take note of: Don’t hyphenate adverbs that end

in “ly.” In “a happily married couple,” the “ly” adverb makes it

clear that “happily” applies to “married” and not to “couple.” The

other exception: Hyphenation “rules” always take a back seat to

common sense. If it seems silly to hyphenate something, don’t.

And remember, if a “Simpsons”-watching grammar coward can get

these everyday concepts, you too can get them right every day.

* JUNE CASAGRANDE is a freelance writer. She can be reached at

o7JuneTCN@aol.comf7.