Re-’Deuce’ is a disappointing, obscene trip

VAN NOVACK

In 1999, “Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo” cost around $18 million to make

and grossed nearly five times that amount. It took six years to make

the inevitable sequel, “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo,” which is in

theaters now.

Disney, the distributor of the original “Deuce Bigalow” film, was

not interested this time around, reportedly due to the insistence of

the writers and producers on an R rating. The sequel, produced by

Happy Madison, Adam Sandler’s production company, went to Sony for

distribution.

Given the scathing reviews and what I’m sure will be lukewarm box

office returns, the executives at Disney are looking pretty smart.

Rob Schneider stars again as Deuce Bigalow, the reluctant male

prostitute who so pines for his dead wife that he still carries her

artificial leg with him wherever he goes. Schneider also created most

of the characters and shares writing credit with three others, who

collectively have been responsible for such abominations as “Corky

Romano,” “The Master of Disguise” and “Without a Paddle.”

Accordingly, expecting anything more than a few laughs is

completely unrealistic.

Unfortunately, even these low expectations cannot prepare one for

the nonstop juvenile, vulgar, misogynistic and homophobic attempts at

humor. Even describing some of the setups is embarrassing. One

running gag is a woman with a laryngectomy who expels everything --

including smoke and wine -- through the hole in her neck. Other women

serviced by Deuce are afflicted with such maladies as a hunchback,

giant ears, and an obscene birth defect.

The premise for this film, if it can even be called that, is that

Deuce’s former pimp -- T.J. Hicks -- is now headquartered in

Amsterdam and wants Deuce to work for him there. Business is slow

because a mysterious female serial killer is murdering all the

European gigolos. Deuce agrees to go after a sonic device he invented

to prevent ocean creatures from beaching themselves goes haywire,

thus endangering and possibly killing several visually impaired

senior citizens who were attempting to swim with dolphins.

T.J. is played by the unbelievably irritating Eddie Griffin. T.J.

seems to be hypersensitive to anything smacking of racism, but is

himself a walking encyclopedia of negative African American

stereotyping.

Griffin is probably best known as a stand-up comic with a routine

too vile for network television. “European Gigolo” provides him with

the opportunity to use every euphemism for male and female genitalia

known to man.

I find Schneider to be fairly likable, even in this monstrosity.

Besides the short length of the film (75 minutes), Schneider’s basic

good nature is one of the film’s few saving graces. Newcomer Hanna

Verboom plays Deuce’s love interest, Eva, an artist with the worst

obsessive-compulsive tendencies ever seen. Verboom is a cuter version

of Cameron Diaz and comes across well despite her lame character.

Much is made of the legality of marijuana and hashish in

Amsterdam, where the film was shot on location. I suspect the writers

and actors must have indulged in the use of these substances heavily.

I hate to think those responsible for this truly awful film produced

it with a clear head.

* VAN NOVACK, 50, is the director of institutional research at Cal

State Long Beach and lives in Huntington Beach with his wife,

Elizabeth.

‘Skeleton Key’ unlocks Delta horror

When you think of New Orleans, you think of Dixieland jazz,

Bourbon Street, a perennial losing football team where Archie Manning

wasted his talent, and, of course, voodoo. It’s a perfect setting for

“The Skeleton Key,” a supernatural thriller about a woman who

discovers that there are things more dangerous in the bayou than

hungry alligators.

“The Skeleton Key” is a lot more than just another summer horror

flick. It has beautiful photography and an outstanding cast full of

award-winning actors. The story twists and turns through a part of

American culture that still exists, and still scares the heck out of

most people.

In old mansions, the door of each room had a unique lock. The

home’s owner had a skeleton key that could open any door in the home.

Caroline Ellis (Kate Hudson) is a hospice worker who’s given a

skeleton key after she accepts a job caring for Ben Devereaux (John

Hurt), an old man who recently had a major stroke.

In the mansion’s attic, where Ben had his stroke, Caroline finds a

trove of Hoodoo paraphernalia. Hoodoo is similar to Voodoo, but also

completely different. Voodoo is a religious practice. Hoodoo is just

back alley witchcraft, and has little to do with believing in God.

The only catch is that the victim or beneficiary of a Hoodoo spell

has to believe in the power of the spell.

Caroline wants answers about the bizarre relics in the attic, and

about Ben’s stroke, but Ben’s wife, Violet Devereaux (Gena Rowlands),

doesn’t trust Caroline and isn’t thrilled about having a Yankee woman

taking residence in her home. She needs Caroline to help care for

Ben, but she isn’t going to reveal the secrets of the house to

someone who doesn’t understand Delta culture.

The last piece of the puzzle is Violet’s attorney, Luke (Peter

Sarsgaard). He acts as a go-between to dissuade Violet’s fears and

reassure Caroline that she’s both needed and wanted. Luke tries to

explain to Caroline that old houses like this always have a history,

and that she’s better off just going about her business caring for

Ben, but we all know that Caroline won’t take that advice.

As she tries to unlock the secrets in the attic, Caroline learns

that there are some stones best left unturned and that it’s dangerous

to play with things you don’t understand.

Kate Hudson is perfect for this role. She’s captivating, charming

and sensual. What I really like about her is that she’s beautiful

without looking like a fashion model made of plastic. Hudson makes

Caroline seem noble, wise and innocent. She’s someone we root for and

completely trust.

One of the problems with poorly made horror movies is that that

you can usually guess parts of the story, just because you’ve seen an

actor play the same kind of character in similar movies. Casting

Peter Sarsgaard as Violet’s attorney was a stroke of genius. With

Sarsgaard, he’s just as likely to be a villain as he is a hero. You

never know what his characters are going to do.

Gena Rowlands and John Hurt deliver amazing performances and

completely carry this movie. Both of them can say more to an audience

without speaking a word than most actors can with pages of dialogue.

Hurt’s character, Ben, is completely paralyzed and can’t speak,

but his eyes tell you everything you need to know. It’s incredible

how he can do so much with a role that doesn’t have any lines in the

script.

Rowlands is motherly and sweet, but also unnerving and even

frightening. You empathize with her plight and her desire to protect

her husband Ben, but you also wonder why she behaves the way she does

toward Caroline.

What makes this movie special is how it faithfully captures the

real New Orleans and tells a story that can only happen in that city.

That part of America has a unique culture that makes it different

from anywhere else on earth. New Orleans is one of the few places

where they bury the dead above ground, and where the supernatural is

just an everyday fact of life.

* JIM ERWIN, 40, is a technical writer and a computer trainer.

‘Saint Ralph’ recalls simpler times

Opening alongside top-heavy special effects movies with

superheroes and their death-defying powers is a sentimental film

about a boy in search of a miracle. “Saint Ralph” is a throwback to

the days when kids relied on their imagination to solve problems,

instead of reaching for the hottest electronic gizmo to save the day.

Ralph Walker (Adam Butcher) has a whopper of a problem to fix. In

fact, 14-year-old Ralph needs a miracle if he is to help his mother.

Once Ralph realizes he needs a miracle, he goes in search of one to

perform.

Ralph’s daily disciplinary visit to the headmaster’s office

provides Ralph with the miracle he seeks. Ralph decides to enter, run

and win the Boston Marathon. Now that would be a miracle, given that

Ralph has never run a day in his life.

The odds of Ralph succeeding are stacked against him physically

and socially. Ralph lacks the proper training, and he also lacks the

support and goodwill of his teachers, friends and peers. Everyone

thinks Ralph has gone off the deep end of a shallow pool.

Even though “Saint Ralph” centers the action on running a

marathon, the story emphasizes mental endurance over the physical.

His unwavering will and determination to pursue his miracle faces its

greatest challenge, however, in the form of headmaster Father

Fitzpatrick (Gordon Pinsent), who perceives Ralph’s intent as wrong.

In fact, Ralph meets with opposition from everyone. Ralph,

however, will not stop, even though in the end things do not turn out

quite as anticipated.

“Saint Ralph” is a sentimental independent movie, as old fashioned

as it is idealistic. Set in the early 1950s in Canada, the story is a

throwback to films where the people are basically good, life moves at

a slower pace, and one’s hopes and dreams have room to sprout wings

and take flight.

Although audiences may not be familiar with Adam Butcher, the star

of “Saint Ralph,” some of the supporting characters are better known

or at least recognizable. Jennifer Tilly plays the nurse Ralph has a

crush on, and Campbell Scott plays one of his teachers.

“Saint Ralph’s” tale of a 14-year-old boy works its own miracle on

the audience with its ability to let viewers see the world through

Ralph’s eyes and remember the experience and joy of setting out to do

something wonderful. For those who like sentimental, mushy,

heart-tugging movies, “Saint Ralph” should be to your liking.

* PEGGY J. ROGERS, 40, produces commercial videos and

documentaries.