Santa’s many faces

Santas here, Santas there, Santa Clauses everywhere.

But then, ‘tis the season, no?

On Thursday, Santa was sighted rumbling past Newport Beach City Hall in a California National Guard Humvee. Not to worry. Santa hasn’t been drafted. He’s way too old and even with his glasses, he can barely see a reindeer’s butt in front of his nose, which it often is.

This particular Santa happened to be our very own Newport Beach Mayor Don Webb, who was waving and smiling and “ho-ho-ho-ing” as part of Operation Christmas for Our Troops -- an annual toy drive for local military families.

Who started the “ho-ho-ho” thing by the way? Have you ever heard anyone other than a pseudo-Santa laugh by saying “ho-ho-ho”? I can see “hah, hah, hah,” even “hee, hee, hee” maybe, but who would say “ho, ho, ho” in real life? I don’t get it.

I double-checked Clement Moore’s 1823 classic, “A Visit from St. Nicholas” -- a.k.a. “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” -- and that’s not it.

There’s not one “ho” to be found, let alone three of them. But we digress.

On Thursday, trees and fire hydrants around city hall were decked out in yellow ribbons to honor local service men and women and their families, and not one but three National Guard Humvees were stuffed with donated toys. It’s a great cause, and if you want to make it greater, get your sled down to Newport Beach City Hall at 3300 Newport Blvd. and drop off a toy by Wednesday. Both Santa and the mayor will appreciate it.

In view of Thursday’s Mayor-slash-Santa, imagine my surprise on Friday morning when I walked into a meeting at the Orange County Transportation Authority and there was Santa seated with my fellow board members, reading over a staff report.

I knew almost immediately it wasn’t really Santa.

It was Art Brown, mayor of Buena Park and vice chairman of the OCTA, who had just flown in from Arrowhead Pond where he had been Santa Clausing for the Stuff-A-Bus program, a joint effort of the OCTA, ABC-7 Eyewitness News and the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim, who are like the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim only with a shorter name and different equipment.

On Friday morning, people converged on the Pond from far and wide to donate new toys and sports equipment, all of which were stuffed into a very large OCTA bus and sent down the road to needy kids.

How many toys does it take to stuff a 40-foot, 15-ton bus? A lot. More than 2,000 last year if you want numbers.

As Santas go, Art Brown was a very stylish one. He wasn’t sporting the typical Santa suit, but a fire-engine red business suit (those are hard to find) with a matching shirt and a fur-trimmed Santa cap. Art also has a huge edge in the Santa game, because in real life he has an impressive full beard that is as white as you-know-what and would put your garden-variety department store Santa to shame. Little kids can tug on that thing as much as they want and all they’re going to get from Art is a loud yelp and nothing on their list.

Go figure. Two mayors playing two Santas in two days. What are the chances of that? I have no idea.

But it did get me thinking, which doesn’t happen often. If you’re going to be a Santa, how do you know what to do, other than say “ho, ho, ho,” which is ridiculous, but we already covered that.

Is there a school for Santas somewhere?

Yes, Virginia, there is, and it’s called the Santa Claus School in Midland, Mich. Do you know where that is? Neither do I.

According to their website, the Santa Claus School is the world’s oldest, established in 1937, and is now run by Thomas and Holly Valent. Tom has the impressive title of Dean of the Santa School, and Holly handles the Mrs. Claus parts of the curriculum -- and if her real name is Holly, I’ll eat my sled.

In addition to leading Santa symposia in Midland and around the world, Tom and Holly conducted the first ever World Santa School in Illulisatt, Greenland, (don’t know where that is either, other than in Greenland) with aspiring Santas, St. Nicks, Kris Kringles, Babbo Natales, Le Pere Noels, etc. from over 12 countries.

So exactly what goes on in Santa School? Is it all fun and games?

Please.

Many are called to Midland, but few are chosen.

The core curriculum includes Capturing the Spirit of Santa Claus; History of St. Nicholas and Santa Claus; Proper Dress and Makeup; Santa Claus, Legends and Facts; Radio and Television Interviews; Santa Sign Language; Live Reindeer Habits; and Santa Flight Lessons.

I am especially interested in the last three courses.

What is the proper Santa sign language for “Blitzen says he can’t hold it until we land”? If anyone knows, I’ll bet it’s Tom and Holly.

It’s too late to enroll this year, but if you’re interested next year, the courses run from Oct. 13 to Nov. 5.

Santa boot camp is probably a little more Claus training than either Don Webb or Art Brown need, but if you plan to be a Santa anywhere where there are small people involved, I would definitely head for Midland.

When a 5-year-old hops onto your lap and asks you why she didn’t get the Hasbro Easy-Bake Oven she asked for last year, you better know the sign language for “Get me out of here, now.” Christmas is not for amateurs.

I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. He may be reached by e-mail at ptrb4@aol.com.

20051218icrhmkkf(LA)