Marauding sea lions in 2006

Are you there? I’m not. I’m in Arizona. It’s the large, dry state to your right.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but I will be back shortly.

Be that as it may, it is time for the annual “P. BuffaOh-My-GodHow-DoesHe-KnowThat? Predictions for 2006.”

Not to worry. Thanks to the magic of cyberspace, once again, you and only you will know every last important event that will happen in the coming year. I will not let you down. I take my responsibilities seriously, especially when it comes to my prodigious powers of prognostication and predilection for prediction. I have no idea what it means either, but I like all the P sounds. Pay attention. This will go fast.

The biggest Newport Beach story of ’06 will of course be the sea lions. By late February, bored with taking over boats, they will start moving into homes. They will take over almost anything around the harbor, but prefer single-story detached, with Jacuzzi. With their hands tied by environmental regulations, state and federal agencies will begin relocating SLDP’s (Sea Lion-Displaced Persons) to area hotels. Sea lion fans will descend on Newport Harbor from around the world, with souvenir vendors hawking T-shirts -- “Pinnipeds Make Me Blubber” -- and bumper stickers: “Honk If You Love Honking.”

In March, housing prices will finally begin to cool, dropping below the 2005 median by nearly .004 percent. Newport Beach will not only pull the plug on a new city hall but also close the existing one, becoming the first full-on cyber city in the country. All city meetings will be teleconferenced and all city business will be conducted by e-mail, unless you’re a sea lion. Having moved back to Newport Beach last November, Dennis Rodman will re-open Josh Slocum’s as The Church of the Boogie Down and become the most successful televangelist in the country.

In April, an anonymous donor will put up $630 million to buy Crystal Cove State Park and El Morro Village on the condition that there never, ever be another news story about either of them again. In May, the missing West Newport sand dunes will be found behind Home Depot in Costa Mesa. “We have no idea where they came from,” the store manager will say. “It’s strange. I was just leaving to grab a bite when I noticed all the sand.”

In July, CostCo will buy the Orange County Fairgrounds and convert it to the largest store in the world, membership or otherwise. In addition to every item known to man in the largest possible size shrink-wrapped in packs of four, it will have nine restaurants, a disco, five car dealers, a 12,000 square-foot pharmacy, an optometrist, a birthing center, a fully accredited trauma hospital, an assisted living facility and a nondenominational chapel.

In August, Greg Haidl’s attorney will file a motion asking that his client be released immediately and his record expunged based on the fact that he has written a children’s book, with illustrations.

In the fall, a slate of new television series will be spun off from “The OC,” including “The SD” (teenage angst in San Diego), “The UC” (college angst in Santa Barbara) and “The PC” (online angst).

In November, Arnold Schwarzenegger will be defeated in his bid for reelection by Orange County’s own Gwen Stefani, on a campaign slogan of “I’m Just a Girl, Who Wants to Restore Fiscal Responsibility Without Neglecting Socially Relevant Programs.”

Sea lions won’t be the only marine life making waves in 2006. In June, a steelhead trout will be found by a county worker at the seafood counter at the Pavilion’s on Bayside and all roads from there to San Clemente will be closed for 60 days.

On August 6, a pod of whales will beach themselves in Corona del Mar. As volunteer rescuers from across the county arrive to help them, the whales will leap up without warning and return to the sea, squealing and laughing. “It’s rare, but it happens,” Orange Coast College marine biologist Dennis Kelly will explain. “Cetaceans have a highly developed sense of humor.”

There you have it. I am done. Completely and utterly spent. I can see and hear nothing more. Wait, is that ... forget it. I thought I heard something.

May all your years be new and may all your dreams come true. Oh, and skip the resolutions. They never work. I gotta go. 20060101icrhmkkf(LA)