Sleeping with the fishes

Do you ever think about it? I do. Your own funeral, that is. OK, it’s a little morbid, but we’ll all need one sooner or later. Let’s face it. Nobody gets out of here alive.

Now and then I think about where mine will be, what music I want, what’ll be said about me, etc.

By the way, some of you are invited and some of you are not. We’ll sort out who’s who some other time.

I got to thinking about it again this week when I read the story about Capt. Bob Harrison, who has built a business around providing memorials at sea on his 82-foot schooner, Curlew.

“People are often drawn to it because there’s just this sense of serenity that people have around the sea,” Harrison told a Pilot reporter.

When that great gettin’ up morning arrives, you can shove off with Capt. Bob from either Newport Beach or Dana Point. I would go with Newport Beach. I’ll be darned if I’m going to spend my last moments on earth on the 405.

The typical farewell cruise aboard Curlew lasts about two hours, with family and friends on board in some cases, while others leave everything up to Capt. Bob and his crew. About three miles out to sea, the ashes of the absent guest of honor are lowered over the side and released amid flowers that have been tossed onto the water.

I’ve never considered a burial at sea, but it sounds like a nice way to button things up, no?

According to Curlew’s first mate, Roger Hudson, “I think it’s a great way to say goodbye to a family member.... It’s a very beautiful way to celebrate them, especially anyone with any connection to the sea.”

The best things in life may be free, but having your ashes scattered at sea in death is not. The memorial cruises start at about $1,000, which is still pretty reasonable compared with traditional funerals and burials.

In case you’re wondering how big the marine burial biz is, it’s bigger than you might think. A quick search on the Internet turned up a boatload of burial-at-sea websites, with a range of services and prices, all of them steeped in poetry, most of it bad.

Ironically, a Massachusetts company, with the highly unimaginative name of Burial at Sea, went way over the top on the poetry meter.

“Since the beginning of time, man has marveled at the world’s great oceans. Likewise, the ocean’s peace and tranquillity have brought enlightenment and comfort to mankind for centuries. Eternally changing, forever enduring, the world’s oceans are a final resting place to countless generations.”

Wow. I am, like, totally moved, but can we get to the rates? Becoming one with the sea is a lot cheaper in New England than in Newport Beach. Burial at Sea offers a one-hour memorial cruise out of Narragansett “for as little as $195.”

But wait. Don’t say yes yet.

“The area that we travel to is offshore from three different accessible lighthouses where you are free to visit year ‘round.”

Cruise, scattering and three lighthouses for $195 -- can you beat that? I don’t see how. Now all you have to do is figure out how to get yourself to Narragansett.

Do you know who else popped up under “burials at sea?” The United States Navy, which just happens to be the greatest navy in the world, that’s who.

You could have knocked me over with a feather.

Apparently, the Navy will conduct a burial at sea for active duty and retired military personnel and their dependents, and civilians who worked for the Military Sealift Command. The one hitch is that family members and friends cannot attend since it all happens on active U.S. Navy vessels.

God bless the military, though. If you think burials at sea are a little too romantic, leave it to the military to put an end to that, effective immediately.

The “grieving loved one” or “surviving partner” on other websites becomes the “Person Authorized to Direct Disposition” on the Navy’s site and is assigned an acronym of course: PADD.

“The PADD should print out and complete the linked Burial at Sea Request Form. Supporting documents which must accompany this request are: (1) a photocopy of the death certificate; (2) the burial transit permit or the cremation certificate; and (3) a copy of the DD Form 214, discharge certificate, or retirement order.”

That is so touching, really. Anything else we should know?

“A Burial Flag is required for all committal services performed aboard United States Naval vessels, except for family members, who are not authorized a burial flag. Following the services at sea, the flag that accompanied the cremains/remains will be returned to the PADD. If the PADD does not wish to send a burial flag for the service, a flag will be provided by the Navy for the committal service, but will not be sent to the PADD.”

Oh. OK. I feel better now. And so do the other PADDs if I may add.

So there you have it, three good options for being buried at sea. If dignity and beauty are what you crave, try Newport Beach or Narragansett. But if you’re looking for fast, crisp and no-frills, have your PADD complete the Burial at Sea Request Form.

Anchors aweigh, mates.

I gotta go.20060115icrhmkkf(LA)