Costa Mesa: Dreamy or dead?

You think Costa Mesa’s problem is illegal immigration? Please. Having the mob show up in Costa Mesa ? now that’s a problem. When big guys in big cars with big cigars who come from places like Paramus and Bensonhurst and Arthur Avenue, and who pronounce oil “earl” and Earl “Oil” start showing up, that’s something to worry about, and that’s exactly what’s happening in Costa Mesa.

Well, in Tony Soprano’s mind anyway.

I have been many places in this world and have seen many things, but I have seen very little as strange as last Sunday’s episode of “The Sopranos” on HBO, wherein mob boss Tony Soprano and the land of Newport-Mesa collide head on. It’s a long way from Hoboken to here, but somehow, the mob has found the City of the Arts.

Last Sunday, in episode two of “The Sopranos” final season, Tony Soprano (James Gandolfini) is lying in a coma after being shot by his totally loopy uncle, Junior Soprano (Dominic Chianese.) Hanging on to life by a thread and hooked up to enough hardware to stock a Home Depot, Tony is dreaming, and as dreams go, this one’s a lulu.

In his dream, he is no longer a mob boss, but a traveling precision-optics salesman at a trade show in ? ready for this? ? Costa Mesa. He is still Tony Soprano ? albeit a traveling optics salesman Tony Soprano ? but his Jersey accent (see file under “oil/Earl”) is gone.

The rest of the episode alternates between the comatose Tony in the intensive care unit, and the dream Tony who is in Costa Mesa for the aforementioned trade show and staying ? not kidding ? at the Westin South Coast Plaza, although not by that name. If you think I’m making this up (I couldn’t), there it is in the “special thanks” credits at the end of the show: Westin South Coast Plaza Hotel.

As can only happen in dreams, Tony can’t get home because he has somehow gotten his briefcase and wallet mixed up with those of a solar heating salesman from Arizona named Kevin Finnerty, who happens to be his double. At that point, things get weird.

Trapped in dream-purgatory, Tony wanders aimlessly between his room, which has a nice view of the 405 and Bristol Street, and the hotel bar.

At one point, Soprano asks the bartender, “So what goes on in Costa Mesa?”

“Around here, it’s dead,” the bartender says.

For some inexplicable reason, like that matters, the television above the bar shows news footage of a forest fire with the caption: “Costa Mesa.”

Hmm. I try and I try, but I just cannot remember seeing that forest.

Tony calls home and explains to his wife why he’s stuck in Costa Mesa ? no wallet, no ID, other than Kevin Finnerty from Arizona, etc. The voice we hear on the other end of the line is not only uninterested, but it doesn’t belong to his real wife, Carmela (Edie Falco), who is actually standing by his side in the ICU, sobbing quietly. And if you know Carmela, things must be very serious because she doesn’t do anything quietly.

Back at the dreamland hotel on Bristol, things are getting even more bizarre, if that’s possible. For reasons that are almost impossible to explain, Tony is attacked by two Buddhist monks in the hotel lobby. If you think the streets of Jersey are mean, just wait until you’re accosted by two Buddhist monks in the lobby of the Westin South Coast Plaza.

At one point, Tony tires of waiting for an elevator and takes the stairs down to the lobby. Mob bosses are not graceful, especially large ones, and he takes a header down the stairs, is rushed to a hospital and is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. This is a little dream-joke, because that’s why his loopy uncle Junior shot him in the first place, which is what’s driving this surreal dream. Thus ends Tony Soprano’s hallucinogenic visit to Costa Mesa, but not without a tantalizing hint that our little corner of the universe will figure prominently into the life and times of the Sopranos when the season ends.

By the way, is Tony Soprano’s weird dream Costa Mesa’s only brush with cinematic fame? It is not, although the “Complete and Certified Cinematic History of Costa Mesa” is a brief one.

If you’re in Blockbuster some Saturday afternoon and you can’t find one movie you’re looking for in either DVD or VHS, you might end up with the 1987 film version of “Dragnet” with Dan Aykroyd. If you watch the title sequence very carefully and don’t blink, buried amid the quick cuts of Southern California landmarks you’ll see a flash of the Ali Baba hotel on Newport Boulevard, big dome and all. That’s it. I told you it was brief.

Oh, wait. There is something else. There is the long-standing rumor, which I have never been able to confirm, that the real-life inspiration for the home of the Cleavers in “Leave It to Beaver” was a house on Victoria Street, which belonged to a relative of one of the show’s writers. OK, that’s it.

Meanwhile, back in the ICU, Tony Soprano is still mid-dream and muses to no one in particular: “I’m 46 years old. I mean, who am I? Where am I going?”

Relax, you big baccala. You’re going to Costa Mesa. You’ll like it. It’s very nice ? the weather is great, just don’t expect to find a good bagel or a decent slice.

I gotta go.