Listen up, pool neighbors

Iwould like to issue a warning to anyone who lives within earshot of the proposed Santa Ana Heights community pool. If that pool can be used for water polo, fight it with all you have. If you lose, which I think you will if Newport Beach City Council members get their way, get some earplugs.

We have lived in Eastbluff since 1984, long before the fabulous Marion Bergeson pool was built. That pool arrived without any warning to the surrounding homeowners, even though the city cut a nice shared-use deal with the school district. It’s a beautiful facility, no doubt. My brother-in-law, who lives in Laguna Niguel and who was totally opposed to the threat of noise from the proposed El Toro airport, tells me that we should be happy to have such a wonderful pool within walking distance.

I would agree, if only someone would put a sock or some other noise-dampening device in the whistles of the water polo refs. Here is what we hear:

Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, ahem, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, go Sea Kings, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, cough, tweet, tweet, tweet, beat harbor, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet and tweet.

Now, that little exercise can be read in a couple of seconds. Sit in your backyard and listen it for eight hours straight and see if you think a local pool is such a great addition to your “community.” It will be tremendous for the rest of the city and my brother-in-law from Laguna Niguel, but not for you. You will especially enjoy the whistles when, for example, Boston College is playing the Naval Academy or the Croatian national team is in town. But hey, it’s for the kids, wherever they live.

I did the protest thing to the city about the whistle noise at the Bergeson pool. There was a sound study, plenty of hand-wringing and lots of finger-pointing at the school district. Some minor schedule changes were made, but we were essentially told to shut up.

At the dutifully called hearing, I was painted as someone who is against the “kids,” with whom we are all supposed to be so concerned. Well, I have three of those kids, and I will match them with any kids of the so-called city leaders who decided that I was the problem that needed to be squashed.

But, of course, the kids are not the issue. They are just the fig leaf that the city will hide behind. Nor is water polo the issue. Water polo is a truly great sport, and we had championship teams long before this City Council was dabbling in pool politics.

The actual point for the surrounding homeowners is that the water polo whistles never stop.

Faced with the opposition, I gave up, bought double-paned windows and left my backyard to the squirrels and crows. They seem to be having a good time out there, but they are a little light on their share of the property tax payments. One of my neighbors was smarter than me and moved to Harbor View Hills. I thought the city would help us. My neighbor laughed at me. And he was right.

So for all homeowners within earshot of the proposed Santa Ana Heights community pool, be warned. Members of the council will tell you sonorously that you live under the noisy airport (for which, of course, the city bears no responsibility but feels your pain), near the noisy Corona del Mar Freeway (for which, of course, the city bears no responsibility but feels your pain), Bristol Street, Irvine Boulevard and the bullfrogs in the Back Bay, all of which are much bigger noise producers than such a wonderful community asset. So just forget any complaint based on noise.

Council members have a study by a “reputable” firm that will show something like the ambient noise level under your living room couch before the pool is built will be just about the same as it will be after the pool is built, taking into consideration the appropriate “qualifiers.” Just wait. And get ready to crawl under that same couch when the water polo tournaments begin.

The only hope for Santa Ana Heights is to try to show that the proposed community pool will cause irreparable harm to the environment in some shape or fashion. Snail darters are always popular in that regard. Or the fringe-toed lizard if you can somehow find one wandering around the heights. Look in Pilot columnist Joseph Bell’s backyard for that one, he seems to always have something interesting going on.

I would personally suggest that you make a claim that the pool will do irreparable damage to a species indigenous to Newport Beach, the not-so-rare “Blowhard City Council Member.” Just for the record, John Heffernan, Denny O’Neil and Dick Nichols are specifically excluded from that particular species. And I think Don Webb is also excluded, but more DNA testing is needed. He will be excluded if he will just tell his colleagues to stop interminably extemporizing on every issue that the council faces.

Good luck to Santa Ana Heights. Based on our experience, you will need it.

DON SLAUGHTER

Eastbluff