You, too, can own a pirate ship

Want one? You can get one, for $75,000, at least, and maybe a lot more. You’ll also need a really long slip or a really big driveway, and a crew. Yes, Cap’n, Newport Beach’s very own tall ship, Argus, is on the block, well, on eBay anyway.

For 35 years, Argus has been a familiar sight in Newport Beach and the pride and joy of the Newport Sea Base, teaching and training thousands of Boy Scouts about sailing, seamanship and seasickness. Ships, like people, get old, and when they get old enough, things start to go wobbly and parts begin to fall off, which I totally understand. Earlier this year, a Coast Guard inspection turned up $1.5 million in repairs that needed to be done before Argus could transport any more passengers, Scouts or otherwise, over the bounding main.

And so, next stop eBay.

Is there anything more romantic than a tall ship in open water? There is not. “Mutiny on the Bounty,” “Master and Commander,” “Finding Nemo,” there’s nothing like it. Towering sails, billowing in the wind, people shouting commands no one understands, men who haven’t showered in months wearing silly hats and saying “Arrrr!” ? what’s not to like?

Being one of the most ignorant people alive about boats, ships, the difference between the two, and whose idea it was to pronounce “boatswain” as “bosun” ? I wanted to find out more about Argus before some collector in Colorado Springs snapped it up.

Where did the name come from? No definitive answer, but there are two possibilities. In “The Odyssey,” Odysseus’ dog is named Argus, and in the tale of Jason and the Argonauts, Argus is the shipwright who bangs out a ship for Jason and the boys. Their ship, Argo, is named for him. Even though “The Odyssey” is a better match, for the sake of romance, I’m going with Jason and the Argonauts. Who wants a ship named after Odysseus’ dog?

Argus was built in 1905, which was long ago, in Denmark, which is far away and the home of herring, aquavit and Hamlet, who was so depressing no one could stand to be around him. The description of Argus on eBay turned out to be as good a source of Argus info as any, but it took my mouse and I a while to find it.

First I tried “tall ships.” I got 321 hits, including a ship in a bottle for $13.00, a Maryland Lions Club 2005 Tall Ship Commemorative Pin for $2.20 ? not much of a bargain since it costs $1.55 to ship ? an antique folding card table with a tall ship design for $59.99, and in one of those wonderful eBay quirks, a pair of “Tall Baby” Ugg boots for $79.95, shipping included.

With 317 items to go, I decided to try “Argus tall ship.” Much better.

There it was, first on the list ? “1905 Historical Baltic Ketch Argus, Starting Bid US$75,000.00.”

The description starts with “Own your own pirate ship.” Get it? It’s like a joke. It says Argus was built in Marstal, Denmark, in 1905 to haul lumber and cement, had no auxiliary power when she was built, and was handled by a crew of three. Notice that one always refers to a ship as “she” unless it’s a male. It says Argus “hauled grain and other goods to Greenland, saltfish to Spain and she plied the spice trade as well.”

Have no idea what that means, but it sounds exotic, no? “Plied the spice trade.” I like it. Arrrr.

It says Argus “has taught countless youth the ways of tall ships and the excitement of the seas, including everything from marlinespike seamanship to going aloft in the rigging.” I don’t know what marlinespike seamanship is, but I’ll bet it’s hard.

It says the ship was “Replanked/Refastened 1996 thru 2006, Resparred 1998 all yards, gaffs and booms, main topmast” ? all of which sounds like a good thing.

It says the “bowsprit main mast and mizzen are original” and the “standing and running rigging were replaced in 1998,” which also sounds impressive. I suppose you could buy a ship with a bowsprit, main mast and mizzen that aren’t original, but I wouldn’t recommend it.

What impressed me the most though is that the description is scrupulously honest about the condition of the ship. “Vessel is sailable for pleasure or personal use however she cannot be used as a commercial vessel for hire without considerable refitting ? a significant percentage of the original framing and topside planking require replacement.”

I think the Newport Sea Base deserves extra credit for that. When is the last time you saw a used car ad that said, “This thing runs, but you’re going to need a ton of body work?” Apparently, there is still honor on the seas, if not on the roads.

Speaking of honor, I think they should have included one of the finest chapters in Argus’ history. On a Scout cruise in August 2004, Zack Mayberry, 15 years old at the time, was on lookout and thought he saw a spot of bright yellow in the distance, some debris or a plastic trash bag maybe. Zack called out commands to guide the ship toward his sighting. As they drew closer, they yellow spot turned out to be a stranded scuba diver, frantically waving a yellow-green flotation tube. In an eerie, real-life version of the film “Open Water” ? in which a young couple scuba diving on their honeymoon are accidentally left behind in the open ocean by their tour group ? scuba diver Dan Carlock had been bobbing around for hours, left behind by his dive group who had mistakenly thought everyone was on board and was now miles away. Without a doubt, Sea Scout Zack Mayberry and Argus saved Dan Carlock’s life.

So if you should catch a glimpse of Argus before she shoves off for good, show a little respect. She may be 101, but she’s still got it ? especially that bowsprit, main mast and mizzen. Arrrr!

I gotta go.