FAIR GAME:

I went to Dodger stadium this past Tuesday night and I’d like to report that the world is now a safer place.

And it didn’t take Sgt. Joe Friday to get to the bottom of this one.

On a very hot and muggy night I witnessed not only the thugs, but the stealth Dodger security team in action.

The Dodgers proudly announce before each game, in both English and Spanish, that their goal is to insure a “most family-friendly ballpark.”

It’s a nice message and gives you that “feel good about life” attitude.

This night, however, the culprits were A.J. and Cameron, both from Woodland Hills. You know the type. Two 6-year-olds, both less than 4 feet tall, one with long flowing red hair, the other with an apparent buzz cut lost under a Dodger baseball cap apparently too big for his head, held up only by his ears.

But even worse, these two 6-year-olds, accompanied by adult figures fronting as responsible parents, brought with them homemade signs. “Go Dodgers” they read.

One sign was maybe 2 feet by 3 feet, handwritten with colored markers. The other, written on two taped-together 8 ½- inch by 11-inch sheets of typing paper. This one also featured the hand-scribbled first names of some of the Dodger stars: Ricky, Nomar, Kenny and Jeff, to name a few, and with a backward-written S on “Go Dodgers.”

It was early on in the game, maybe the first inning. A Dodger hit led to the boys, sitting just a couple of rows in front of me and across the aisle, to suddenly bounce up and down waving the signs for their team in obvious approval.

What, excitement at a baseball game? Not in this town!

Stadium security, attempting to ensure everyone’s safety, promptly came to the rescue and warned these two combatants that waving a “Go Dodger” hand-written sign was unacceptable in the confines of Dodger stadium.

Who knows, waving a sign that says “Go Dodgers” might actually wake-up a team that as of Thursday had lost 13 of their last 14 games and presently resides in last place in the National League West.

The warning to the kids resulted in boos from many of the nearby fans, who encouraged the kids to proudly pick up and wave their homemade masterpieces.

Shortly thereafter the two kids took the advice.

And yes, another warning.

To protest, I jokingly held up a hastily penciled “GO” scribbled sign composed on a Post-it note straight from my wife’s purse. That’s right, a Post-it note. About 3 inches by 3 inches.

Dodger security failed to see the humor in my little attempt for attention and pounced on me the way they would some drunk who just left his seat and charged over the rail and onto the field.

It was my “first and only warning” they implied.

There was obviously some confusion over this whole incident so I kindly asked to speak to stadium officials.

Shortly thereafter Robert Allen, from stadium security, appeared, accompanied by three uniformed LAPD officers and two stadium security officers.

That’s right, six of them and just me and my Post-it note.

It didn’t seem quite fair.

I knew now what Rodney King felt like just before he got clubbed over the head.

Post-it notes must be a big crime in Los Angeles, and here I thought it might have been gangs or something.

Allen was pleasant and apologized for the apparent misunderstanding and stated that signs under a certain size were fine. No problem.

We were just about to part company and end our little party when Shahrim Ariane, the Dodgers’ director of security and guest relations, popped on the scene. You could tell by the look in his eye that Ariane meant business.

He had a no-nonsense type of personality and wouldn’t have smiled if suddenly a rally monkey had come up and hit him upside the head with a big blue Dodger foamed finger.

He abruptly pointed out that both the kids’ sign and my Post-it note were unacceptable. It was obvious to me that he didn’t understand the guest-services portion of his above mentioned title.

I asked him what harm the young kids were really causing by cheering on their team with their signs?

He grunted and said that it didn’t matter.

I pointed out that there was probably a better way to handle the situation and maybe with even a little softer approach you might just make these kids life-long Dodger fans.

Again, he said it didn’t matter.

After identifying myself I asked him for a copy of the Dodgers’ in-stadium sign policy, because it was obvious there seemed to be some confusion on his staff as to what was and wasn’t acceptable.

By then, two of his own people had now said that the signs were OK.

He said I’d have to check on the Dodger website and glared at me with an apparent attempt at intimidation.

At this point I thought to myself: Do I really want to spend the night in the pokey by arguing this point?

Following my arrest I can just imagine my cellmate asking: “Whaddaya in for?”

“Holding up a Post-it note at Dodger stadium.”

Somehow that’s gotta be near the bottom of the prison food chain, if you know what I mean.

And so I dropped it and returned to my seat.

My wife was so proud.

The next day I took Ariane’s advice and checked with the Dodger website. I clicked on the Fans Code of Conduct. It seemed like the right place to start.

Upon bringing up the corresponding page I read under point No. 8 the following: “Fans may not display any obscene or indecent messages on signs.”

It didn’t say no signs, it clearly stated “obscene or indecent messages on signs.”

Now in fairness to the Dodgers, the next day I checked around further and found another page that stated “no signs.”

So you can see the confusion.

I attempted to call Ariane’s office for clarification but only got a message machine. I can only assume he was out getting a personality adjustment.

Oh well, just another night at baseball’s “most family-friendly ballpark.”

My parting advice to young A.J. and Cameron is simple. Next time try professional soccer. Talk about excitement, they not only score once in a while, they even sometimes win.