COMMENTS & CURIOSITIES:Triathlon all Greek to me

Have you ever done it? I haven’t. A triathlon, that is.

Last Sunday was the ninth annual Pacific Coast Triathlon at Crystal Cove State Park. An impressive number of triathletes huffed and puffed and swam and pedaled just as fast as they could, and a good time was had by all — keeping in mind that a triathlete’s definition of a good time is a lot different from yours and mine.

Triathlon, which comes from a Greek word meaning “not all there,” consists of three races, three really long races — an ocean swim, a foot race and a bicycle race — back to back, no stopping, no resting, no dying, but if you do, you are immediately disqualified. Total elapsed time is all that matters, and even the time it takes you to pull off this kind of shoes and pull on that kind of shoes counts.

But it’s the distances involved that convince most of us that if God had intended people to do these things, he never would have given us recliners. If you want to give next year’s Pacific Coast Triathlon a try, it’s a half-a-mile swim, then a 12-mile bike race on Pacific Coast Highway, then a 3-mile run through Crystal Cove State Park.

First place in the men’s division went to Kyle Hughes of Lake Forest with a time of 1 hour, 48 seconds. First place in the women’s division went to Sian Welch of Encinitas with a time of 1 hour, 8 minutes, 5 seconds.

Let’s review. That’s a half-a-mile swim, a 12-mile bike race and a 3-mile run — in a little over an hour.

But the clear race favorite was John Bruder of Newport Beach, who has to be one of the only 6-year-old triathletes in the triathlon business. John’s race was a family affair, with his mom, Ingrid, handling the bicycle leg and his father, Al, doing the ocean part. And don’t let John’s size fool you into thinking he is some rookie pushover — the speedy 6-year-old has a number of 5K races under his belt.

“I didn’t stop the whole time,” John said, analyzing his race.

Believe it or not, the Pacific Coast Triathlon is at the kindler, gentler end of the triathlon spectrum. The annual Hawaiian Iron Man, which takes place in Hawaii, is a 2.4-mile ocean swim, a 112-mile bike race and then and only then a 26-mile marathon run.

Do you get it? I don’t get it. That’s probably because I have the athletic ability of a zucchini, almost, but still and all, that is very impressive.

I know a number of triathletes, and most of them are not compulsive gym rats who spend their lives thinking about fast-twitch muscle fibers and whether they took their glutamine supplements this morning. They are thoroughly normal, everyday working women and men, like Dave Kiff, Newport Beach’s assistant city manager and a world famous triathlete, sort of, and some good friends who are a husband-wife triathlon team, Bob and Sally Crawford. They are all very nice people, pretty much, who happen to find the grueling competition of a triathlon a great motivator to get in shape and stay in shape but don’t let it rule their lives.

The hard-core extreme athletes are a different story, however. Looking for something a little more manic than the Hawaiian Iron Man, with its 2.4-mile swim, a 112-mile bike race and 26-mile marathon? Kiehl’s Badwater Ultramarathon is just what the doctor ordered, and there are plenty of doctors on call during the race by the way. That might be because it’s a 135-mile run through Death Valley and up Mt. Whitney in July with temperatures averaging 124 degrees Fahrenheit.

A little too toasty for you? Try the North Pole Marathon, which gives itself the wonderful billing “the world’s coolest marathon.” Just because you’re insane doesn’t mean you can’t have a sense of humor. It’s a 26.2-mile marathon run at the North Pole, on the frozen Arctic Ocean, wearing special running shoes and/or racing snow shoes. The North Pole Marathon is proud of the fact that it is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the northernmost marathon on Earth, which is very cool, but let me ask you this: How many other entries were there?

Finally, for those select few who believe that the best things in life are painful, there is the RAID Gauloises Series, an international adventure and endurance team competition that lives up to its odd name and then some. RAID stands for “Rare Adventure, Intense Discoveries,” which is an understatement, and yes, the event was originally and ironically sponsored by Gauloises, the remarkably toxic French cigarettes in the bright blue pack.

The competition is held every few years in locations around the world for teams of extreme athletes who differ in language and culture but all share the common bond of needing help, badly. It is a weeks-long competition that includes but is not limited to long-distance running, trekking, mountain biking, canoeing, rock and ice climbing, caving, sea kayaking and swimming — all in extremely remote locations in the far corners of the world. Could there be a more perfect trip? I don’t see how. In fact, I have decided to blow right past the Pacific Coast Triathlon next year and go for the RAID Gauloises.

As soon as I get in shape. As soon as that happens, that’s when I’ll do it. Yeah, that’s it.

I gotta go.