COMMENTS & CURIOSITIES:Election Day voting made easy

I know. You hate it. But you have to do it. “Do what?” you ask. “Vote,” I answer. Voting is your duty. It’s what keeps us free, keeps us strong, keeps the politicians in office and keeps the political consultants employed — two of which are important.

Yes, it’s confusing and frustrating, what with all the commercials and the mail and the endless yammering and bickering on talk shows. But remember this: When you walk through a storm hold your head up high and don’t be afraid of the dark, and it’s time for the “Official Certified Campaign 2006 Peter B. Election Handbook”! Are you excited? I knew you would be. Pay attention. This is important. The future of the republic depends on it (sort of).

Section 1: Picking a Candidate. I will never understand why people fuss and fret so much over picking a candidate. It is so easy. Just read the campaign mail and listen to the commercials. Everything in them is true. It has to be — it’s the law. I find the commercials especially helpful. Never vote for people who are in black and white, have a sour look on their face and move in slow motion with spooky music in the background. Only vote for people who are in color, smile a lot and move at normal speed with uplifting music in the background. Oh, and they should shake hands a lot and hug someone, anyone, doesn’t matter.

Section 1A: Picking a Governor. A no-brainer. If you think the ideal governor of California is from Austria, a former Mr. Universe and Hollywood action hero, has a last name that’s almost impossible to spell and calls the place “golly-fornia,” I’m thinking you should go with Arnold. If you’re looking for a multimillionaire who will take a stand against big money, looks a little like Eddie Munster with glasses, has a last name that’s easier to spell and walks backward, I would go with Phil.

Section 1B: Picking a Candidate, All Others. This one is tougher. Only vote for people whose campaign mail has one or more of the following pictures: a fire engine with firefighters if possible; a police car, ideally with a police officer; some senior citizens and/or kids, preferably their own; and a pretty nature scene. Under no circumstances should you vote for anyone who doesn’t promise to “protect our quality of life.” That is critical. Make sure they say that. Better yet, pick someone who wants to “make our (city/county/state) a better place.” Conversely, avoid anyone who wants to “make our (city/county/state) a worse place.” That’s not good. Don’t vote for them. The environment? Absolutely, positively cannot stress it enough. As you know, the earth is going to disappear in a year or two, five at the outside, and if anyone can figure out what to do about environmental problems, it’s politicians.

Section 2: Slate Mailers. Very informative, those big postcards that recommend a yes or no vote on certain candidates and ballot measures. My personal favorite is the “Save Prop. 13 Voters Guide” with that great picture of Howard Jarvis shaking his fist at us on the cover. I would have thought Howard might have lost interest in politics by now, considering he died in 1986, but apparently not. Do you know how candidates and propositions get endorsed by these important organizations? It’s not that hard; it’s called “writing a check.” There are certain criteria that have to be met, though no one — repeat, no one — gets an endorsement until their check clears.

Section 3: Propositions and Ballot Initiatives. This one hardly merits any discussion. On Tuesday’s ballot, you’ll see 13 statewide propositions and a number of local measures. How do you know what they all mean and whether to vote yes or no? If it protects our quality of life, you vote yes. If it doesn’t, you vote no. Could it be any simpler? I don’t see how. Now a word about some important local measures, although, as you know, I have a strict policy against telling you how to vote. Never have, never will, don’t ask me.

In Newport Beach, the battle is between Measure V, which is an updated version of the city’s General Plan, and Measure X, also called Greenlight II, which would be a much more stringent approach to development which, as you know, is one of the worst things that can happen to a city.

I completely understand why some people might want to try a radically different approach to planning in Newport Beach. Just look at what’s happened to it under the existing General Plan. One of the most desirable cities in the world has been reduced to being one of the most desirable cities in the world. Something has to be done, I tell you. Before you know it, PCH will be jammed with people streaming out of town with their belongings strapped to their SUVs like something out of “The Grapes of Wrath.” Most will head north, to Stanton, where a person can live and breathe free without any threat of development whatsoever.

And that just leaves a measure near and dear to my heart, the extension of Measure M — the half-cent sales tax for transportation that was first passed in 1990 and expires in 2011. OK fine, you say, but if that’s the case, why not wait until 2011 to extend it? Good question. The even better answer is that the original Measure M has been so successful that it has done everything it said it would do and more — ahead of schedule and under budget. Almost every freeway in Orange County has been widened, and every single freeway interchange has been enlarged and improved. Measure M also created the Metrolink commuter rail system, which now has stations in 10 Orange County cities. The new Measure M will do even more, with more freeway improvements and a program to synchronize traffic signals. What will extending Measure M cost you? To borrow a line from Babar, it’s peanuts; on average about 40 bucks per resident, per year. Again, it’s your call — no pressure. I’m not here to influence you, even if extending Measure M is the greatest no-brainer in the history of no-brainers, which is a very long time.

So, there you have it. Everything you need to know about Campaign 2006. If you’ve already voted by absentee ballot, you are a great American. If you haven’t, cut this out and take it with you on Election Day. You’ll thank me. I gotta go.