CHASING DOWN THE MUSE:Growing old, staying young

“You may be capable of great things,

But life consists of small things.”

— Deng Ming-Dao

“If I want to feel young, I can always do something for someone older than myself.”

— Joan Bridge Baez

In the midst of a rising heat wave and as tension built toward Tuesday’s election, my mother quietly turned 90 years of age. As is my style, I wanted to create a celebration of this momentous event. It would be an uphill battle, I knew, and so I settled for the small and the simple.

This was how it came to pass that my mother’s 90th birthday was a celebration in the company of women — my sister and I, my youngest daughter, Jenna, and my mother’s female friends from the senior housing apartments where she now lives.

We had a huge carrot cake with cream cheese frosting and apricot filling for just these few of us. How else could the cake hold the 90 candles I insisted upon having atop it?

As we presented her with the cake after our meal, I plopped our birthday cake hat upon her freshly coiffed hair. She did not bat an eye at this as I might have expected, but grinned wide, thoroughly enjoying the attention as the entire room sang a lilting version of “Happy Birthday to You.” Few presents — just presence. That was enough.

In the days since this small party, my mind continues to turn upon the wonders of aging. As we all live to greater and greater ages, there is much to learn, and the stereotypes that were once based on the sick and needy must change to keep pace.

The frail old ladies down the street of my childhood — Hazzie and Addie — seemed to do little but sit on the porch, watching, as they became steadily more weak, finally fading back to their beds in darkened rooms. Memories such as this one and the tales of lingering illness can lead us to a fear of aging, of dying, and we may desperately try to hold on to our youth.

Yet, aging can also be a beautiful, graceful, mentoring time. It can be an opportunity, even an adventure, as old “rules” drop away and are replaced by a growing wisdom. As a part of the cyclic process of life, aging — and reaching old age — can be a rich and rewarding thing. The fears of aging can drop away in the process of living.

My own mother had not struggled much with aging until recently, when she began to do battle with lowered function. In fact, like many of an older generation, her concern was about frailty and poor health, with little fear of dying. The desire in most of the elders I meet seems to be to live as long as health and functioning last.

It has also been said that those who reach a certain age take on their “worst nature.” My mother — always strong and dependable and independent — now shows her dependence. I am fairly certain she thinks of this as her own worst nature.

Yet, while difficult and humbling for her, others find openings for closeness with her not possible in the past. And, as she has slowed, the imposed solitude has given her pause for reflection and a gaining of new insights on herself and the world. These are some of the “gifts” of aging.

Aging is certainly not for the faint of heart. For the process to be a successful, enlightening one, we must be adventurous and open to new experiences, willing to be spontaneous and accepting at once. The caring family of aging relatives must maintain a delicate balance in dealing with them, for the responsibility toward our elders may cause interference with their own sense of freedom.

What I am learning as I walk this path with my mother is just how very delicate this balance is. It reminds me a lot of raising children in trying to know when to do for and when to insist that they do for themselves.

So it goes as we cycle through life. We live and we, hopefully, learn. I look forward to my mother’s 91st birthday and even my own. And as we move forward, I strive to remember the words of those who pass crossroads before me.

Ruth Bernhard, photographer, said “I shall die young, at whatever age the experience occurs.”

Best of all, from Michael Pritchard, are these wonderful words: “You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.”