KAREN K. REDDING:How to have ‘the talk’

PTA COFFEE BREAK

Everyone agrees that parents should talk to their kids about sex, but for many it’s an awkward task. What do you say; how much do you say; and when?

This month’s Coffee Break resonated with an overflowing audience of Laguna Beach parents of children in kindergarten through 12th grade who were interested in guidelines for every age.

Dr. Jennifer Johnson, a nationally recognized pediatrician on adolescent medicine, emphasized that the No. 1 theme is communication.

It’s not about having only one “big talk,” but learning how to become an “askable” parent so that talks can happen across time and development.

Home is the place to learn about sex, and surveys show that young people most often look to their parents for information and advice about sex. Parents need to think through their own feelings and values about sex.

Being comfortable using words, such as “penis,” “vagina,” “testicles,” and “uterus” allows the child to experience these body parts as a natural part of one’s body. This also allows parents the opportunity to talk about these issues first, before anyone else can confuse the child with incorrect information or explanations that lack the sense of values that parents wish to instill.

As kids grow older, there is an increasing generation gap in views about what is sexual.

Dr. Johnson suggested that many teenagers consider themselves abstinent while engaging in behaviors like mutual masturbation, withdrawal, or oral sex.

In talking with the older child, parents need to clarify what they mean by sexual behaviors and to help the teen integrate values with behavior.

Knowledge is just one piece of sex education. Other pieces include the following:

Johnson recommends that parents start early in talking about sexual matters.

“If they’re old enough to ask, they’re old enough to hear the correct answer and to learn the correct words,” she said. “Be sure you understand what your child is asking.”

When kids don’t speak up, parents may get the conversation going by asking what their kids already know. This allows the opportunity to correct any misinformation and create a point of reference from which to introduce new facts.

One of the challenges parents will face in determining what to say to their child is learning what is most appropriate for their age group.

In the elementary school years, a child is taught about the correct names of sexual organs and body parts; reproduction; pregnancy; building healthy relationships; and setting personal boundaries and respecting others’ boundaries.

Kids at this age may experiment with some sexual exploration and recognize social stigmas and taboos surrounding sexuality.

They usually have heard about sexual intercourse, oral or anal sex, HIV and AIDS, masturbation, even though they may not fully understand what these terms mean. They are often shy about asking questions.

That’s where books come in handy. Several books that were specifically recommended include these: “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen so Kids Will Talk,” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish; “Sex and Sensibility: The Thinking Parent’s Guide to Talking Sense About Sex,” by Deborah M. Roffman; and “Ten Talks Parents Must Have with Their Children About Sex and Character,” by Pepper Schwartz and Dominic Cappello.

In the middle-school years, kids learn about puberty; sexual decision-making; emotions and consequences of sexual relationships; sexually transmitted diseases; contraceptives and how to use them.

At this stage of development kids are totally focused on their body because it’s different everyday. Kids tend to be very private with their bodies and often find it difficult to talk about sex.

When they do open up and ask a question, see where it goes. Sometimes a question is more about a need to talk and listen. Try to create an open environment with teachable moments. Communicate your values and listen to your child.

Try to be honest and use everyday opportunities to talk. Consider courses and outside resources that can aid and facilitate your child’s sexual awareness and knowledge (for example the Birds and Bees Connection at www.birdsnbeesconnection.com; the SHAPE program at www.campfireusaoc.org).

In the high school years, kids are continuing to learn about dating and relationships and sorting out sexual decision- making. Try to remember how you felt at this age.

Parents practice respect when they ask kids about their opinions and range of agreement-disagreement across different sexual topics. Despite a decrease in teen pregnancy, the United States still has the highest percentage of teen pregnancy.

Research shows that approximately 4 million teens will contract a sexually transmitted disease each year. More than half of all high schoolers have had sexual intercourse.

Make sure your child has a clear understanding about sexually transmitted diseases; pregnancy, HIV and AIDS, contraception, and how to use condoms.

Most important, it was emphasized that you communicate your family values and directly express your expectations as to what kinds of sexual behavior you think is appropriate for your child’s age and level of maturity.

Again, sex education starts at birth with our curiosity and bodily explorations. It continues throughout life, and boils down to how comfortable we as parents are in talking about it.

To find sexual health advice for young people as well as learn more about this speaker and her practice, visit www.drjohnsoninfo.medem.com.