CHASING DOWN THE MUSE:Letting go and holding it close

As is my custom each year, the beginning of 2006 found me choosing certain aspects of life to focus on embracing. For this year, I chose to welcome and hold close the elements of enjoyment and exploration. Something also drove me to extend my yearly practice to letting go of some things as well, and so I chose to let go of irritation and narrow boundaries.

Blam!

Of course. I smash right into irritation and thus my own narrow boundaries at every turn. So as the holiday season starts to wrap us all in its busy, busy arms, I seek to continue embracing exploration and hopefully enjoyment.

I begin my look back at the lessons of the year and weigh the results; I begin pondering the possibilities ahead. And best of all, I find myself open to gratitude and thankfulness just at Thanksgiving time.

Now, irritation is a funny thing. It seems only to beget more and more irritation. What I have found happening, though, is that as it grows, as I become more and more irritable, it becomes so ridiculous as to be downright humorous.

Often, I found myself wrapped up in the focused irritation of sweltering, humid heat or landslide construction noise or traffic or parents or children or noisy neighborhood dogs or puking cats or — well, you name it and it irritated me at one point or another in the course of the year.

It was so unlike me not to calmly slough things off that I have just had to laugh at my own ridiculous self. But still, irritated.

As I continued to swear off irritation, to vow to rid myself of this horrid curse I had placed on myself, I found I would get snappish, defensive, sarcastic, at times even lashing out as I flailed about, wrestling with irritation, trying to let it go.

Short-tempered: I would blurt words I could not take back, and this simply added more irritation to the pack I was carrying.

My mother irritated me, my in-laws irritated me, and my immediate family drove me to distraction. I was irritated with myself for being irritated, and this made me crabby. My friends did the same old things, but now I found them intolerable.

Strangers misbehaved — to my annoyance — constantly. Where would this cursed irritation lead? And would I ever be able to let go of it or get it to release its newfound hold on me?

“The neutral stillness of the mind renews the tired soul, and this is regeneration … and you maintain a gratitude for both the good and the bad in your life.”

Because of irritation, there were so many days I found myself needing to find this place of stillness, to simply sit quietly and empty myself. I did and do feel renewed and more serene when I do this. Gratitude and compassion replace irritation. Not for all time, I acknowledge, but at least in the moment.

What I am finding over time is actually that I am not letting go of the irritation so much as embracing it and acknowledging its place in the whole scheme of things.

So what have I learned? One thing shows up that is a simple reiteration — that I cannot ever predict the manner in which my wishes might be manifest.

Exploration and enjoyment have appeared in forms I would never have been able to conjure in my wildest imaginings. And the lesson for which I am grateful in so many ways — to be very cautious in what I choose for letting go, for in the end I will only have to hug it in close embrace.

I wish all of you freedom from irritation this Thanksgiving holiday. May you know the comforts and satiation of this day and be grateful for all that you have. May you embrace life. Happy Thanksgiving.