COMMENTS & CURIOSITIES:They’ll adore the latex vulture

“Silver bells, silver bells, it’s Christmas time in the city. Ring-a-ling, hear them ring. Soon it will be Christmas Day.” Do you know who sang that? Correct, about a zillion people. But Marilyn Maxwell — a blond bombshell in the ‘40s and ‘50s — was the first to sing it, in the 1951 Bob Hope comedy “The Lemon Drop Kid,” for which “Silver Bells” was written.

Hope and Maxwell are no longer with us, but Christmas is, and you know what that means.

Yes, you little elf you, it is time. The Official Peter B. 2006 Holiday Gift Guide is off the presses, on the street, in your hands. Are you excited? I knew you would be. Those fancy-schmancy Christmas catalogs? Please. Neiman Marcus? Needless Markups. Sharper Image? Not sharp enough. Hammacher Schlemmer? Hammacher Schlammacher. The Peter B. Gift Guide is the only one you’ll ever need. Read it. Memorize it. Use it. Your relationships could depend on it.

No one really knows who first said, “It’s the thought that counts,” but researchers are almost certain it was someone trying to put a good face on a bad gift. Remember, it isn’t the gift that matters. It’s the price. If it doesn’t take you until mid-March to financially recover from the holidays, you’re doing it wrong.

Speaking of wrong, for the men out there, I know you get tense, then stressed, then panicked as the big day draws near. But just remember that whatever you do, it will be wrong. It’s not your fault. We’re hard wired that way. If she loves you, she’ll smile and tell you it’s perfect, but in your heart, you’ll know you did it wrong.

Let us begin.

This year, as every year, electronic stuff is so cool it’s hot. Looking for an edgy new high-def plasma screen for that special guy in your life? Panasonic’s got what you need. Just in time for Christmas, you can snag Panasonic’s 103-inch super-hi-def plasma TV for just $70,000. No shoving please. There are plenty to go around.

If that’s not a big enough bling thing, try the Yalos Diamond TV from Keymat — with a platinum-plated cabinet featuring 160 diamonds that total 20 carats. I’ll tell you the price, but remember, if you have to ask, you can’t afford it. You can slip a Yalos Diamond under your tree for just $130,000. Why on earth would anyone need a platinum-plated TV with 20 carats of diamonds? I don’t know.

How about something for that girl you just can’t stop thinking about? I would go with Imperial Majesty — a limited edition Clive Christian signature scent. It will set you back — get that jaw ready — $2,150 per ounce, or if you prefer to buy your poof juice in bulk, $215,000 per bottle.

But seriously, try to keep an eye on your Christmas gift budget. A hundred thousand here and a hundred thousand there and pretty soon, you’re talking about real money.

If the diamond TV and the $215,000 perfume are a little pricey, try a pound of pistachios in red cellophane or a holiday mug and a box of herbal tea, or if it’s Dec. 23 or later, some homemade cookies, assuming you can’t find a Mrs. Fields.

If you’re still desperate for the perfect gift for that special someone who is either not all there or beyond weird or both, Seattle’s Archie McPhee is the mother lode. I never go anywhere near Seattle without a quick visit, but you are one lucky elf because you can find their complete catalog at www.mcphee.com.

It is virtually impossible to describe Archie McPhee, but think of it as a department store for every cheap, tasteless novelty item you have ever seen or heard of and a lot you have not, all at very reasonable prices. It’s where I found my first set of plastic, glow-in-the-dark baby aliens, which I still treasure. If there is another store that carries bobbleheads of Edgar Allan Poe ($7.50), “The Simpsons” ($12.95) and Sigmund Freud ($7.50), I am not aware of it.

For the holidays, I would go with the soft latex vulture ($19.95): “This 17” tall soft latex vulture is extremely realistic and looks eager for you to die.”

No? OK, try this: Hindu finger puppets at $4.95 for set of eight. “Turn your fingers into powerful Hindu gods with these Handy Hindu Finger Puppets … each accurately portrayed in firm rubber with all the arms, heads, tongues and wings that make them so special.”

Hear me on this, Cratchit, if you shop for that special someone at Archie McPhee, it will be a Christmas they will remember for a long, long time.

Finally, if all else fails, there is the Tibetan monk approach. Send everyone on your list a handwritten note with something like, “I will not be exchanging gifts this year. I hope you understand. Material things don’t really bring happiness, and the resources that go into them, from the money to buy them to the paper to wrap them, would be much better used to help those who are less fortunate. Instead, I have sent a donation in your name to (whatever) charity.”

Needless to say, you’ll never hear from any of those people again, but you will have an entire year to come to your senses, find some new friends and knock ‘em dead with cool stuff next year.

If you remember nothing else, remember this: If you’re a woman, trust your instincts. You will get the right gift for the right person, and it will be beautifully wrapped. If you’re a man, proceed directly to the customer service counter and buy a gift card. It’s pathetic, but it’s the best we can do.

Lastly, some housekeeping. A number of readers answered last week’s trivia question both accurately and correctly, to wit, in the opening scene of “Citizen Kane,” when zillionaire Charles Foster Kane mutters the word “Rosebud” with his dying breath, to what or whom is he referring? Answer: his childhood snow sled.

Interestingly, the first two correct answers came from spirits of Christmas past at Costa Mesa City Hall — former mayor and now Iditarod dog trainer Sandy Genis, and former planning guru and now general contractor Perry Valentine. Congratulations to both. Your prize is in the mail, sort of, and your grasp of useless information is stunning.

So that’s it then. Don’t stress, shop like you mean it, you’ll find the perfect gift, although I do think you’re missing the boat if you pass on the latex vulture.

I gotta go.