COMMENTS & CURIOSITIES:And the Oscars go to ...

“Hooray for Hollywood.” Come on, everybody, “Hooray for Hollywood, that screwy bally-hooey Hollywood, where any office boy or young mechanic can be a panic …” Wait, wait, stop. That’s painful. We try that every year and it still sounds awful.

Be that as it may, whenever you hear that song, you know what time it is — time for the annual Peter B. Holy-Cow-How-Does-He-Know-That? Oscar Picks. The rest of the world has to wait until tonight. But you, you little superstar you, are just minutes away from knowing who goes home tonight with a Small Gold Guy, who doesn’t, and why. Makes you all tingly, doesn’t it? We begin.

The nominees for best supporting actress are Adriana Barraza, “Babel”; Cate Blanchett, “Notes on a Scandal”; Abigail Breslin, “Little Miss Sunshine”; Jennifer Hudson, “Dreamgirls”; Rinko Kikuchi, “Babel.”

Is there anything left to say about Cate Blanchett? Not that I can think of. Like they say in Bangor, she is wicked good. By the way, how is it that Cate Blanchett is up for best supporting, but her co-star in “Notes on a Scandal,” Judy Dench, is up for best actress? Do you get it? I don’t get it.

Jennifer Hudson blew the doors off the theater, the building next door and a delivery truck down the block in “Dreamgirls.”

But the sentimental favorite is Abigail Breslin, all of 10 years old, who plays the wonderfully off-center daughter in “Little Miss Sunshine.” If you haven’t seen “Little Miss Sunshine,” do so immediately. It is an impossible film to explain other than the fact that you will laugh until you are in danger of passing out.

It will break my heart when Abigail Breslin gets passed over, but the winner is Jennifer Hudson, “Dreamgirls.”

The nominees for best supporting actor are Alan Arkin, “Little Miss Sunshine”; Jackie Earle Haley, “Little Children”; Djimon Hounsou, “Blood Diamond”; Eddie Murphy, “Dreamgirls”; Mark Wahlberg, “The Departed.” Strong contenders for best supporting dude this year, very strong.

Mark Wahlberg sizzles as one of the few honest, though deeply obnoxious, cops in the entire state of Massachusetts.

Alan Arkin in “Little Miss Sunshine” is the funniest, dirtiest dirty old man in the history of dirty old men.

There is a low-level buzz about Jackie Earle Haley, who gives a stunning performance as a predator in “Little Children.” Ironically, about the only other memorable role on Haley’s resume was 31 years ago, as Kelly Leak, the chain-smoking, foul-mouthed tough kid in “Bad News Bears.”

Djimon Hounsou, who scorches the screen in “Blood Diamond,” has had a meteoric career rise in just 10 years, best remembered as Russell Crowe’s African co-warrior, Juba, in “Gladiator.”

But Eddie Murphy, who is a singing, dancing dervish in “Dreamgirls,” is ahead by four lengths coming down the stretch. For reasons that are totally beyond me, some critics are calling “Dreamgirls” Eddie Murphy’s “comeback.” Yeah, comeback, that’s it. Murphy cranks out two films a year, usually somewhere between successful and on fire, the last of which was “Shrek 2.” The only place Eddie Murphy is coming back from is the bank.

And the winner is Eddie Murphy, “Dreamgirls.”

The nominees for best actor are Leonardo DiCaprio, “Blood Diamond”; Ryan Gosling, “Half Nelson”; Peter O’Toole, “Venus”; Will Smith, “The Pursuit of Happyness”; Forest Whitaker, “The Last King of Scotland.”

This one is a two-person race between Leo DiCaprio and Forest Whitaker. Peter O’Toole is a sentimental favorite and sparkles in “Venus,” but sentiment is not going to get you past Forest Whitaker, whose Idi Amin in “The Last King of Scotland” has left critics without a single superlative in their toolbox.

And the winner is Forest Whitaker, “The Last King of Scotland.”

The nominees for best actress are Penelope Cruz, “Volver”; Judi Dench, “Notes on a Scandal”; Helen Mirren, “The Queen”; Meryl Streep, “The Devil Wears Prada”; Kate Winslet, “Little Children.”

With apologies to the rest of the field, especially Ms. Cruz, this one is all Helen, all the time. It’s over, done, finito, next envelope please. By way of full disclosure, it should be noted that I am the president-for-life of the Helen Mirren fan club and believe that all acting awards, anywhere, of any kind, should just be shipped to her house to save everyone else time and trouble. I was dumbstruck when I first saw her as Detective Chief Inspector Jane Tennyson in Masterpiece Theater’s “Prime Suspect.” How about as Queen Elizabeth with Jeremy Irons in HBO’s “Elizabeth I”? A force of nature, I tell you.

And the winner is Helen Mirren, “The Queen.”

The nominees for best director are Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, “Babel”; Martin Scorsese, “The Departed”; Clint Eastwood, “Letters From Iwo Jima”; Stephen Frears, “The Queen”; Paul Greengrass, “United 93.”

If Martin Scorsese doesn’t leave the theater with hardware tonight, I will never watch a movie, go to a movie, rent, rewind, write about or star in a movie again. OK, I don’t do the last one, but I do all the others. We’re talking about a guy who directed “Mean Streets,” “Taxi Driver,” “Raging Bull,” “The Age of Innocence,” “Goodfellas,” “Gangs of New York” and “The Aviator” and has never won an Oscar, not ever, which means never. Is “The Departed” his best work? It is not. But enough is enough. Give this man an Oscar for heaven’s sake. If he doesn’t get one, he’ll be stressed and even more wired, if that’s possible, and he’ll talk even faster, and no one wants to see that.

And the winner is, finally, Martin Scorsese, “The Departed.”

The nominees for best picture are “Babel,” “The Departed,” “Letters From Iwo Jima,” “Little Miss Sunshine” and “The Queen.”

One of the odd things about this category is what’s missing. “Dreamgirls” snaps up eight nominations but gets stiffed for best picture. Ouch.

Oddly enough, picking the big-enchilada-all-the-marbles pic this year is not that hard. “The Departed” gets Marty his Oscar but doesn’t snag the brass ring. “Little Miss Sunshine” is brilliant and painfully funny but too little to win big. “Letters From Iwo Jima” is a knockout but Clint already has two Oscars for directing, and the third is a bear to get. “United 93” was excellent, but not enough people saw it, and “The Queen” was all about Helen Mirren, not the picture.

So unless my math fails me, the best picture of 2006 has to be “Babel.”

There you have it. I have no more to give you. I am spent. Am I always right about the Oscars? Of course not. Only 94.7% of the time. Is that really true? Waddayounutz?

You’re the best. Don’t ever change. Let’s do lunch. Have your people call my people. And remember, never work with kids or animals. And that’s showbiz. Kid.

I gotta go.