COMMENTS & CURIOSITIES:Where there are goats, no fire

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Got any goats? Newport Beach might need them. The city has wrestled for years with the question of what to do with the overgrown brush in Buck Gully and Morning Canyon — lush and green in the spring, dry and dangerous when the summer heat sets in.

Keeping the brush at a manageable level is not easy in the two canyons, which are about 18 acres, which is a lot. The rough terrain means it has to be cleared by hand, with a lot of hackers hacking and clearing, then hacking and clearing, followed by more hacking and more clearing, all of which is expensive.

Newport Beach Fire Marshal Steve Bunting has an idea, though. Let goats do it. Goats are no good at hacking, but they are excellent at clearing, as in munching and swallowing, and that goes for anything and everything in their path. If they can munch it and swallow it, it is gonzo.

Using goats to tidy up the place is not new. It’s been around since goats were invented, which was 1140 BC, in August, I think.

It’s not even a new idea around here. Laguna Beach, which has some major canyons and fields to deal with and knows how to spell “brushfire” really well, has let goats do the munching and clearing for 20 years. It works, it’s fairly cheap, the city’s happy, and the goats are happy. Nobody bothers them, Laguna is nice, and there’s a lot to do at night, although sometimes they just walk on the beach and gaze at the sailboats.

How cheap is cheap? According to Fire Marshall Bunting, very cheap. It would cost about $10,000 for a goat crew to munch its way through Buck Gully and Morning Canyon, versus about $500,000 for biped hackers and clearers. It will take a lot more study by the city before a goat turns up near you, though, especially in these very green times. Both canyons are in a nature reserve, along with Upper Newport Bay and Crystal Cove State Park, which means the reserve’s board of directors would have to greenlight the goat patrol before any munching begins.

One of the major issues is that goats have a funny habit. When they eat something, it turns up a few hours later in a different form. According to Fire Marshall Bunting, “Where we’re going to hit the hurdle is the goat waste. I think that’s going to be a problem. I have no idea how you deal with that.”

Neither do I, Steve. And I have no intention of doing so, let me add.

But all this talk about goats raises a question that has to be answered: If the city decides to go with the goats, where do they come from, other than from other goats?

As it turns out, when you need a goat, you have two options, not unlike most equipment — you can either rent or buy. If it’s your first goat, you should probably rent, and you can do that at ELM Goats, which is based in San Diego but says it serves all of Southern California. ELM stands for Environmental Land Management, although it used to be called Rocky Spot Ranch, which was a lot cooler, I think.

You can learn a lot about goats from the ELM website. Worried about over-grazing? Not a problem: “Because these goats are tightly managed by highly trained handlers, they are kept from overgrazing.” The aforementioned poop problem? No worries: “Goats will naturally fertilize the ground and keep it well packed.” Pretty clever spin, although I suspect making the ground more fertile in this case is not a good thing, and ELM obviously doesn’t spend a lot of time dealing with regulatory agencies.

The site’s “About Goats” link turned up some interesting facts, depending on how you define interesting: “Goats are versatile. Think of them as tools. They work well in inclement weather and difficult environments.” That’s good, I guess. There was also a little bit of poetry: “Goats are pleasing to observe. They are enjoyable to the public eye and soothing to the ear.” I like it. Zen and the art of weed abatement.

But then there’s this: “Goats create jobs in a new and diverse way.” They do? Could we get any details on that? You mean if the unemployment rate goes over 5%, we drive down to Laguna Beach, talk to the goats and they give us ideas? I don’t get it.

That takes care of renting, but what about buying? It’s like skis and golf clubs: Rentals are fine, but there comes a time when there’s nothing like having your own goat. When that moment arrives — and you will know when it does — I would recommend Boer Goats Inc. in San Angelo, Texas. The people at Boer Goats are plain-talking, straight-shooting goat ranchers from Texas, and their website sounds like it: “When you buy from us you’re skipping the middleman. We don’t believe in gimmicks and such to sell goats.”

I think that’s good, and I can understand why you’re proud, but exactly what are the gimmicks other people use to sell goats? I’ve never actually bought a goat, but I would think it’s a pretty simple transaction, no? “That one looks good. Credit card OK? See you next time.”

But here are my two favorite lines, neither of which I am making up: “Our goats speak for themselves.” There is no way I could decide which punch line to follow that with. And my absolute all-time favorite, which I had to read three times: “We will even buy back your kids!” Now hold on there, Tex, you may be on to something here that’ll make you a lot more money than weed abatement. Two questions though — do you pick up, and do you pay more for teenagers, or less?

So that’s it on the goats. We’ll see what Fire Marshall Bunting and the city decide. I think it’s worth a try.

But don’t take my word for it. Go down to Laguna and ask their goats. They can speak for themselves.

I gotta go.