COMMENTS & CURIOSITIES:Get the skinny on which states are the fattest

Are you fat? I am.

I started out OK, but I bulked up at about 6 months of age. It’s been downhill ever since, even though I was recognized by a number of national organizations as the cutest baby in the history of babies.

Being what specialists call morbidly obese, I may have to head south.

A study by the Trust for America’s Health of which are the fat states and which are the skinny states claims Mississippi is the chubbiest state of all, y’all, in a near photo-finish with West Virginia and Alabama. The not-sought-after title almost always goes to a state in the Deep South, and if you’ve spent any time there, it’s not hard to figure out why.

I don’t understand why there is anyone left at any weight from Virginia on down. It all has to do with something called fried food. In the South, they adore it, it’s all they can think about during the day, they dream about it all night. If it can fit in a deep fryer, they will fry it. If it doesn’t fit, they’ll cut it in thirds then fry it.

“We love fried chicken and fried anything and all the grease and fatback we can get in Mississippi,” state Rep. Steve Holland told the Associated Press.

I had to look up fatback. It’s the thick layer of fat along a pig’s back that’s used to make lard and cracklin’s. I didn’t know what cracklin’s are either, but I got tired of looking things up.

And sweets? I’ll give you sweets. Ever had a Moonpie? Moonpies are a basic food group in the South. It’s a glop of marshmallow crème sandwiched between two graham crackers then dipped in chocolate. Apparently, you have to have it with an RC Cola or it doesn’t count. Having just one Moonpie is dieting.

But let’s get to the important stuff. How did we do here in the most golden state of all? Not bad, I would say, not bad.

Californians are the 36th chubbiest Americans, or conversely the 14th skinniest — nosing out Nevada in 37th place and just behind Wyoming in 35th place.

Which are the skinniest states of all? Vermont in 49th place, Massachusetts in 50th and the state that is so skinny you wouldn’t see it if it turned sideways, drum roll please, Colorado, in 51st place. Hold those e-mails: There were 51 rankings with Washington, D.C., which is where the government lives, which finished in 40th place.

What does all this tell us? I have no idea. Maybe the colder it gets, the less you eat — Vermont skinny, Massachusetts skinnier, Colorado skinniest. I don’t think that’s it though. The colder it gets the hungrier I get. Then again, the hotter it gets the hungrier I get.

Our respectable performance — 36th chubbiest, 14th skinniest — must have something to do with our health-conscious ’tude, dude. Excess fat, carbs and lying around like a sloth are all frowned upon on the Left Coast.

In the general health file, once again, we rank better than most and not as good as some — 19th place to be exact according to the annual Health Care State Rankings from Morgan Quitno Press.

The states that are so healthy you just want to slap them and make them eat a Moonpie — New Hampshire, fifth healthiest, Maine fourth, Massachusetts third, Minnesota second and the healthiest of them all, numero uno in buffness, the Green Mountain state, Vermont. See? It’s the cold thing. There is something there, I tell you.

But let’s zoom out for a bigger look. Where do we stand, or sit, compared to the rest of the world. Not good, I’m afraid. In fact

bad.

Out of 194 countries ranked in order of chubbiness by the World Health Organization, we are the ninth porkiest. Wait, it gets worse. Of the 10 most chubby countries, all but the United States and Kuwait are small island-nations in the South Pacific like Tonga, Samoa and Palau. Comparatively, Ireland is ranked 103rd and Italy, pasta and all, 111th. Faith and begorra and Madonna mia, and here all this time I thought it was my clothes that were shrinking.

So there you have it. We do OK in the chubby department at home, but overseas, not so much. Don’t let it get you down. There are worse things that could happen I guess. I say have a Moonpie and an RC Cola. Or, just move to Tonga. It’s up to you.

I gotta go.