COFFEE BREAK: Pushing for perfection has become endemic

The pitfalls of affluence highlighted the PTA Coffee Break session Wednesday.

The Laguna Beach District PTA hosted guest speaker Madeline Levine at this month’s Coffee Break, held in an evening session in a packed ballroom at the Surf and Sand Resort.

Levine is a practicing clinical psychologist, public speaker and author. Originally from New York, she now lives in Marin County.

Levine spoke on her book, “The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids,” which explores the reasons why teenagers from affluent families are experiencing epidemic rates of emotional problems.

Levine said that to date, no research has been performed on kids from truly “rich” homes; her focus was on upper-middle-class children and teens from families whose income averaged around $150,000 per year.

The dangers of perfection

Pressure from parents and the outside world to take AP classes, excel in a sport and do community service on top of hours of homework each night produces kids who are stressed, angry and disconnected from their world, Levine said.

“The kind of pressure that kids are under in upper-middle-class communities is absolutely mind-boggling,” she said. “So far we have absolutely no evidence that all of this leads to a big reward at the end.”

No study has found that students who go to the best universities wind up any happier, wealthier or in better careers than those who went to other schools, she said.

But children hear messages every day, in particular from their parents, that “nothing less than (X college or Y grade) will be OK.”

Parents who have a Machiavellian mantra when raising their kids — getting additional tutors and after-school programs for their A-level students — teach their kids that they need to lie, cheat or steal to get ahead in life, Levine said.

She also has noticed a new phenomenon of the “kid who is good at everything.” Rather than focus on their strengths in language arts or spatial reasoning, a child is expected to excel at every subject.

“The expectation that a child has to be good at everything, I think, is deadening to them,” she said.

It’s not a secret to students that they need to use stimulants like Adderall to get straight-A grades; they learn to look outside of themselves to solve problems, which could lead to future substance abuse.

One of Levine’s patients intentionally strives for some B grades just to keep himself from toeing the straight-A line.

“Perfection is the greatest indicator of depression,” Levine said.

She found that many AP courses only teach a child to regurgitate information. Then, once the “cream of the crop” reach the University of California system, 50% of them have to take remedial math or English.

“Cheating is endemic,” she said; a Stanford study found that 90% of students admit to cheating, from copying homework to test answers, just to get by.

Culture of cutting

“Affluent communities like to look good,” Levine said.

In such communities, kids learn very early on to look better than they feel; cutting, the act of wounding oneself in inconspicuous areas, has become a popular control and stress relief method for them.

The act is less eye-catching than acting out anger or other strong emotions, or becoming dependent on alcohol or drugs, so it is preferred by wealthy teens.

A recent study estimated that 30% of young women in Ivy League schools cut themselves, Levine said.

She was moved by a 15-year-old patient who on the outside was intelligent and socially graceful, yet felt strong pressure from her preoccupied parents.

Her method of releasing her anger and frustration was to cut the word “empty” onto her left forearm.

“These kids look very good on the outside, but they’re bleeding underneath,” Levine said.

She noticed that her patient was wearing a typical cutter “disguise” — a long-sleeved shirt with a hole cut out of the cuff for the patient to put their thumb through, and therefore control whether their sleeve rides up.

The disguise has also become a fashion statement among non-cutters.

Despite the common assumption that poverty imposes more challenges, and involved parenting due to wealth creates healthy adjustment, upper-middle-class youth are the most likely to cut, Levine said.

A study found that upper-middle-class girls are three times more depressed than all other socioeconomic groups in the United States; girls and boys in this group have three times more anxiety.

Substance abuse and psychosomatic issues are also prevalent.

Of the girls, 22% are suffering from full-blown depression, she said.

By CDC standards, that qualifies as an epidemic.

She cautioned parents that she was talking about clinical cases; typical teenage “drama” was not included.

Parental mandate

“Feeling lovable is a key indicator of happiness,” Levine said. “Your task is to get to know the child you have — not to make them fit in your box.”

She also urged parents to take responsibility when they make mistakes, and to apologize to their children.

“When you hear yourself being whacked out (in front of a child), take yourself out (of the situation) and think about if something happened to you that you’re recreating,” Levine said.

“We all make mistakes; we all have histories.”

Levine encouraged parents to participate in activities with their children, particularly in those where the child performs the activity better than the parent.

She discouraged frequently checking a child’s grades online, telling parents to imagine that someone had the ability to log on to a website to read about whether the parent passed their last performance review or got a raise.

“I can’t think of a faster way to kill creativity than to do that,” she said. “Imagine your spouse grilling you when you aren’t perfect.”

Levine urged to talk about things other than school with their children.

Youth lacking in self-reliance

The current culture makes kids “color inside the lines,” Levine said.

After speaking primarily in schools for many years, Levine’s talks are now sought after by corporations, who find that their incoming employees have a sense of disconnectedness and are unable to fend for themselves.

The companies said that such young adults would make excellent middle managers, as they’re used to being told what to do, but can’t break out of that mold.

“Kids whose parents don’t do everything for them learn that they can do it themselves,” Levine said. “They build up self-management skills and resilience.”

An over-involved parent robs them of these essential lessons, Levine said.

The child learns to look for help externally, which can be a precursor to future drug and alcohol abuse.

A parent who spends all their time watching their child perform in sports or other activities shows the child that watching them is the best thing the parent can do.

“It would be like asking your kid to watch you knit or garden for hours,” Levine said.

One of her patients put it best, saying, “It’s amazing that my mother is everywhere and nowhere at the same time.”

Parents should strive to be inviting, listening presences, she said.

Over-involvement causes slowed development in a child, but is not as damaging as intrusiveness, Levine said.

An intrusive parent invades their child’s psychological space by making value judgments, telling the child what kind of person they are.

Examples include saying “You’re just like your father” (if the parents are divorced), or “You never do anything right.”

“At the end of the day, the most important thing a child needs is functional parents,” Levine said. “The very first thing you have to do is make sure you’re OK.”

Action steps

There are several measures parents can take to turn the tide, Levine said.

Her “silver bullets” are adequate sleep and family time.

Studies show that teens need nine hours and 20 minutes of sleep each night; children need ten hours.

Sleep is not only required to recharge the body and to grow, but to synthesize and process information gleaned during the day, Levine said. Parents should also make every effort to have a family dinner together each night during the school week.

Chores are required as part of the family community, and should not be compensated for.

Duties should not be thrown aside if the student has to study for a test, or forgot to do their homework, Levine said.

“A kid has to be good for something other than themselves,” she said.

But the most important thing a parent can do is ensure their child’s well-being, Levine said.

“It doesn’t matter what you do with your child if they’re not safe,” she said.

She recommends enforcing curfews, and taking children to parties and meeting the parents, regardless of how embarrassed or upset the child becomes.

As it’s difficult for parents to swim upstream against a culture that operates very differently, Levine recommended finding like-minded people to associate with. In the end, all parents can control is their children’s home environment.

“You don’t focus on the product,” she said. “You focus on the process.”

For more information on the Coffee Break series, call Judith Anderson at (949) 494-0447 or e-mail drjza@drjudithanderson.com.