COMMENTS & CURIOSITIES:

I tried. I really did. I tried hard to resist the story about the body on ice at the Fairmont Hotel. But in the end, I could not. To say that a story like this comes along once in a lifetime is an understatement. It happens even less than that, which I think is never, but I’m not good with math. We’ve all heard the expression, “You couldn’t make this stuff up,” but seriously…you couldn’t make this stuff up.

Here is what we know so far, none of which could be made up, but you already know that. According to authorities and various news reports, Newport Beach police get a tip about someone who deals in unlicensed pharmaceuticals in both pill and powder form and is living at the Fairmont Hotel of all places, pretty upscale digs for a local dealer. Following their tip, the cops inquire at the front desk about a guest named Stephen Royds, a 46-year old New Zealander, who uses the alias “Mel Profitt,” which we’ll get back to later. The cops then make an unscheduled visit to his room, which is on the 9th floor.

Inside the room, the police find that has Stephen kept his corner not only unclean, but really weird. The place is ankle-deep in all sorts of stuff, including but not limited to, two large sake bottles that have been converted into lamps, a number of still-wrapped Christmas presents and, my personal favorite, a small swing set.

I travel a lot. I’ve checked into and out of hotels all over the world, and I have never ever seen anyone dragging a jungle gym in or out of the elevator. But for whatever reason, Steve has one in his room. Two other things in the room are even more interesting to the cops than the swing set. One is some cocaine, for which Steve gets a complimentary ride in a police car, and the other is a woman’s body, packed in dry ice in a covered Rubbermaid tub, which is even harder to explain than the coke, but frankly neither one of them looks good.

That’s how the story was first reported — with Stephen Royds arrested for possessing and selling cocaine and everyone waiting to see the coroner’s report on how the woman died. I am solidly in the “everyone” group because I love murder mysteries. If I had a dollar for every episode of “Forensic Files” or “The First 48” that I’ve watched, I wouldn’t need any more dollars.

But just one day later, a story that started strange gets even stranger when the preliminary coroner’s report, minus toxicology results, indicates that the woman died of natural causes, most likely a drug overdose given her history. She was Monique Trepp, a 33-year old Huntington Beach woman who was once a pretty, well-liked cheerleader at Norco High School, until drugs started the slow-motion train wreck that was her life. She had been Royd’s companion for some years, and the coroner believes Trepp died some time ago, in fact, as long as a year ago.

At that point, the story sails right through the top of the bizarre-o-meter. Turns out that Royds had been living at the Fairmont for some two years, which is a lot of free USA Todays under that door I’ll tell you. And what about housekeeping, you ask. Apparently, with long-term residents, housekeeping only taps those keys on the door when they’re invited, which in this case was seldom to never.

Let’s review. A coke dealer lives at the Fairmont Hotel for two years, with his girlfriend/partner/administrative assistant, as yet unclear, frozen in a Rubbermaid tub for about a year of that time. Interesting. How does that work, exactly?

Well, if you’re still trying to figure out what the frozen body, the sake lamps, the Christmas gifts and the swing set were all doing in Royd’s room, not to worry — Royds cleared all that up himself in a jailhouse interview with the Orange County Register.

“Everything that happened was for religious reasons,” Royds told the Register. Well OK, then. That explains it. I don’t care if it is in New Zealand, the next time Royds’ church has a service, I am there. Just finding out what they do with the sake lamps and the swing set is well worth the trip.

Exactly who is Stephen Royds? He is, or was, a competition skier who came here from New Zealand to pursue fame on the slopes but somehow got on the wrong run and by the time he got to the bottom, he was a coke dealer living in a nice hotel in Newport Beach with his partner’s frozen body in a plastic tub.

Still not weird enough for you? Relax. We’re not done. Royds’ alter-ego, “Mel Profitt,” was the high-energy, speed-talking drug dealer in the 1980s TV series, “Wiseguy” played by Kevin Spacey.

But the best part of the mystery by far in my opinion? The dry ice. A few clicks on the Internet told me that you would need about 20 pounds of dry ice a day to keep a 120-pound body frozen. Just how do you get 20 pounds of dry ice into the Fairmont Hotel, every single day, for a year, without anyone noticing or asking any questions? Big tips help, but sooner or later, someone is bound to head up to the 9th floor to see what’s going on I would think.

This story will be over soon and I will miss it desperately, and there are very few things I miss desperately. Enjoy it while you can because you won’t see another like it for a good long time. If I could just find out what the swing set was for, maybe I could move on. Maybe not. I gotta go.

PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Sundays. He may be reached at ptrb4@aol.com.